It's one of those "very depressing with no good reason" days. I thought I had a good sleep in the morning...but then it was time to move. Move what? Move my mom's stuffs to Ingrid's new place, and also move Ingrid's stuff to Ingrid's new place...I was grumpy (probably the rain had something to do with it), and was in a bad mood. I talked with that angry tone to my mom. I couldn't stand her voice. She keeps complaining about the new place. The moving was tiring. There was a big lunch at Crystal Palace, which is a place where I really shouldn't go anymore... Came home, slept for about an hour before rushing to fellowship. The fellowship was just sad...or maybe it's just me. But really, the Bible study was not good...which is a shame. There was this spiritual revival meeting afterwards, but I didn't go. Came home, mom cooked a nice meal, and I desperately tried to pray due to an extraordinary high level of fear. This ends the day.

Random notes...

• I can't handle women's voices, that's what I have concluded. Or maybe I'm making too much of a generality out of special cases? Really, today, whenever I heard my mom speaking, or Ingrid speaking, or Laura pointing and speaking in that school headmaster kind of way (or otherwise), my head just felt like exploding. I just couldn't take it. Maybe it's the perkyness? I don't know...
• Happy birthday, Peter!
• With all that thinking about God is Love, I have two conclusions... (a) I have trouble realizing and experiencing God's deep love for me in my heart...sure I know that God loves me so much, but that may be still at a knowledge level, not something I know at heart. (b) As a result, I find myself to have a lack of love for a lot of people around me. There was once upon a time (high school?) when I naively thought that I loved everyone...but that is certainly no longer the case, which I am quite ashamed of. Perhaps I have lost that child-like faith that God wants me to have?
• Mom wants me to move the tv to Ingrid's place. Can I cut off internet at home? That's too tough...
• I'm burdened by too many things. But as much as I pray to put these burdens in God's hands, and let Him be my rock and strength, and asking for peace and joy, there's still the lingering doubt... Am I really releasing these burdens to Him? Am I permitting Him to be my rock and strength? Am I too stubburn and fixated on depression that I have no capacity to receive peace and joy?

I'm grateful to God for...

• giving me enough strength in the moving, and not injuring myself;
• the good time that was spent with Ed during the move-and-dine;
• keeping me up during the fellowship even as I was dead tired...;
• a chance to make more of a connection with Chen Jie and Steven in the fellowship; and
• once again, drawing me to prayers in this time of distress.

I was supposed to pick up assignments at around 10am, but I didn't get to it until about 11...but that's ok, I guess. Processed the assignments, talked to officemate Jeff in the middle of it after he surprisingly came to the office, and then sent off the assignments. I was supposed to start research work after that, but I didn't do it...I didn't even try...and that's so sad, because now I'm stuck once again with the very likely possibility that I'll have to do two weeks worth of research Monday morning...sigh... Afternoon mccf was ok, I guess, and then dinner and Lifesong, which had its share of technical difficulties, but the message portion was quite powerful. In other news, Kai was more courageous and outgoing than I thought, which is nice. And that ends this day.

Random notes...

• Why do I have a sinking feeling that going to the puzzle championship is the wrong decision?
• Wow...2 degrees...no wonder it felt so cold outside...
• Various parts of my body suffered minor casulties as a direct result of yesterday's slow run...parts that include my left knee and groin muscle...oops.

I'm grateful to God for...

• Samuel's email;
• the message of His love at Lifesong;
• enjoyable fellowship with the mccf crowd;
• helping me share my perspectives on the Bible in response to Peter's questions; and
• meeting up briefly with JY today...

I woke up extra early today, and for some odd reason went for a run, which I haven't done in a long long time. My legs are sore now, but at least I got some exercise, finally. Went to sleep after breakfast, though, because I was just too tired...woke up at around 11, and somehow managed to slack around until 4 when I went to the office to do work. Well, that didn't really work well, as I gave up almost immediately after I looked at the research work that I needed to do...it's not a good sign, really. Came back after about a couple of hours, did nothing, and that's it for the day.

Random notes...

• It's one of those days where I really wanted to just start up conversations on msn, but backed away because I was afraid...afraid of what? Afraid that the recipient was busy? Afraid that I have nothing to talk about? Afraid that I would offend them? I don't know...in any case, I felt pretty lonely, I guess...
• Some of the instructions for the puzzles to be played in the WPC are online now... I looked at them and said to myself, what have I gotten myself into? Those are impossible!
• Getting colder these days, eh? Only got up to 11 degrees this morning...of course a couple of months later, I would look at this post and laugh at the warm temperature...
• Historically, I have a tendency to have very weird dreams. This morning, there was one that involved David Lee's birthday party, being ignored by everyone, and getting a mysterious yellowish jellyish thing dumped on me...
• I changed my phone settings so that my own answering machine will start after just 2 rings...so...yeah, I guess I'll need to move quicker to pick up the phone these days...

I'm grateful to God for...

• providing enough energy to complete the run this morning;
• helping me understand better that for Him to be my strength, I need to realize that I'm weak...;
• constantly moving me to prayers;
• a mostly calm day today; and
• the excitement in seeing puzzle instructions...

I actually woke up pretty early today, at around 6...wanted to sleep more, but couldn't, so got off the bed at 7. It gave me time to cook rice, and while waiting for the rice, I took the time for prayer, and it was good. And I find the rest of the day to be not too bad, actually...the power of prayer? But I did end up getting too tired anyway and went back to sleep at 10, hoping to wake up at 11, but ended up waking up at 12. Got to school, completed the solutions leftover from yesterday, had nobody in my office hour, and then Aaron visited me. We were supposed to go to the gym, but I hadn't eaten lunch at that time and I mentioned that I haven't been to his place yet, so we went to his place to eat...heh. It wasn't too bad. A little later on, Sibo came to visit, which is quite a surprise, as I haven't seen him in ages. He's still the tall thin long-haired guy, with perhaps more of a definition on his face, certainly looks older, especially with the suit that he was wearing. Anyway, it was nice to see him again, and then I came home. I was tired, but there was still the brothers prayer meeting to go to, so I could only drag myself there... We had four people this time around, and I thought we had a good time of sharing personal issues and other stuffs...and I wasn't sleepy when we started, so that was nice. I think brothers prayer meeting is a pretty good idea, and I pray that God will continue to bless us through these meetings. Came home in the middle of huge rain and thunderstorm, and that's about it for the day.

Random notes...

• I think what I really want to do is to wake up early each day and try not to fall asleep immediately afterwards. Even if I have to sleep later in the morning, that's ok...at least wake up early to have more of a chance at a time of devotion. Of course now that I realized this, it's going to be harder and harder to wake up...
• I watched the second eppy of The Amazing Race late last night, and boy, it was just such a good eppy... And they went to Mongolia! I wanted the race to go there for such a long time, and they did it right with the very interesting tasks. It must have been very frustrating for the racers, though, as they faced lots of vehicles or animal troubles (and other troubles) along the way, and the standings shuffled all throughout the eppy. That's what I like to see...
• One thing that I'm trying to incorporate into my life is "practice the presence of God." Still a bit of an on and off thing, but I do find that it gives me new perspectives on who God is and how He works in my life.
• We're also thinking of starting a brothers exercise group...(heh, abbreviated as BEG...) It seems that a lot of us brothers are complaining about carrying extra pounds in our bodies, so maybe this could work. But with winter coming, we must find indoor sports, eh? Clarence suggested freestyle fighting...which is not a bad idea...
• With only slightly more than a week until I leave for Bulgaria, I suddenly felt a lot of pressure...like there's so much to be done between now and then... Things like, prepare for supervisor meeting, weekend Bible study, mom's birthday, visit Jackson and Rebecca before their wedding, more TA stuffs... Aaaaahhhhh...blows my mind.

I'm grateful to God for...

• this day filled with peace in my heart;
• a good time of fellowship in Him among the brothers during the prayer meeting;
• the interesting experience of walking in the midst of an awesome thunderstorm while trying to protect my Bible and prayer book from the rain;
• reconnecting with Aaron and Sibo...; and
• keeping me up through the evening schedule so far...

This morning, success turned into tragedy in the face of temptations...sigh... It's happening so frequent now that it just seems hopeless for me again. I feel like I know all the things that I need to know about temptations, yet I simply couldn't follow through in reality...I think what I lack is really a heart of Christ... In any case, that made for a terrible morning and afternoon at home. Still went to the mccf prestudy anyway, and it was ok, I guess...my mind was having trouble concentrating. After the prestudy, I went to my office and started making solutions for assignment 2. It's a bit troublesome since it includes putting pictures into the LaTeX file...so I didn't complete it and came home for dinner, and that's about it for the day.

Random notes...

• The next Bible study topic is God is Love...I'm not supposed to be one of the group leaders, but as Bible study coordinator, I feel the need to contribute ideas and stuff. But, the more I think about this topic, the more I'm confused...I don't understand what it means, I don't know the extent of God's love, I don't feel that God's love has made a great impact in my life. God is so great, He wants a personal relationship with me in love, yet I find myself more confused than ever...
• Speaking of love, what about brotherly love? I'm wondering if it's still worth trying to reach out to Francis. He won't even answer a very simple email question that I asked him... Sure, Jesus taught us to love brothers and sisters in Christ, but how can I love someone who doesn't really want to be loved? Am I allowed to simply give up on Francis, as I have done many times already?
• There's been a change in the home phone for my residence here in St. Paul, and so far it's been nothing but disasterous. For one, even though I have a dedicated phone number, it's in reality an "extension," with all its strange rules such as enter "9" before I can even dial a number. For two, it has a built in voice mail system which is so confusing to use...and I don't know how to turn it off! I have my own answering machine which flashes joyfully at me whenever there's a new message, so I don't want to give that up for a voice mail system at a distance which requires me to call and check in and listen to the same mundane machine voice if I want to see if there are new messages... Anyway, we'll have to see how it goes. I am supposed to sign the renewal contract by Oct 1...perhaps this will finally drive me out of here?
• It's funny how my new officemate Tony is filling out that gigantic cross sum puzzle that I have posted in the office!
• Yes, I know that youtube is destroying my life and have been the agent that dragged me into temptations time and time again...so why do I keep returning to it, thinking that this time it will be ok?

I'm grateful to God for...

• His great love for me, even though I still have trouble understanding it;
• His indwelling Spirit that is still with me, whom I have grieved over and over again;
• the great blessing that He has given to me through my friendship with Samuel;
• meeting David Betty Jeff Wilfred at the prestudy today; and
• bringing me back to life amidst all the depressing events.

I remember during the family trip that I wrote down something like, "so many things can be accomplished in just one day..." And yet, I did so little today... Woke up late, did laundry, sleep, invite Chen Jie over for games and dinner, evening Bible study, and that's about it... Meanwhile, a ton of work is left to do... No, doing puzzles shouldn't be considered work...

Random notes...

• I'm starting to wonder about the merits of having a spiritually-related event to go to every single evening of the week. On one hand, I get tired very quickly. On the other hand, it keeps my mind off the useless or sinful stuffs...sort of...
• There was a mysterious phone call from Mutao this morning...and really, I have no idea what to say.
• I'm rethinking the lessons that God taught me just this year...things about denying myself, be thankful in everything, trust, faith, living sacrifice, and much more...and I'm feeling really empty right now, having put almost none of these into practice these days. Sigh..."But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was." Yup, that sounds just like me...
• Yes, I do play the same 20 worship songs in the car and in the mPod at home over and over again, always in shuffle mode, of course. Somehow, I haven't gotten tired of them yet...and I have no desire to listen to other things, which is kind of strange.
• I'm also thinking about the subject of joy. I studied the origin of the phrase "the joy of the Lord is your strength" before. But now, I'm thinking about Paul's command to "rejoice always," which seems to be in an apparent contradiction with the Biblical teaching to mourn for our sins, and "rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." I'm confused. I'm definitely a person with very little joy in my life, though...

I'm grateful to God for...

• helping me answer Graeme's email questions;
• the time spent with Chen Jie to alleviate the emptyness of the day;
• the Bible study this evening which challenges me to rethink about a life of devotion to God;
• Harry, who apparently decided to commit his life to Christ on Saturday; and
• giving me some time to think over these spiritual questions...

Yesterday: I guess whenever I skip posting for a day, that's probably because I gave in to temptation and sinned against God greatly, and I was too depressed to write anything. And that was the case yesterday. What's a bit shocking to me is how easy it was...there was not even a fight. In any case, it was a terrible day of unwilling shopping with traffic jams (which I got used to, quite frankly), and then it was the love feast and evangelical meeting. I was stuck in the techno booth again, and it wasn't that bad with Chen Jie around, I guess. The message was good, but didn't make an impact in my life, unfortunately. Today: Early morning start to get to cfc at 8:45 (late) and kwcac at 10 (late). I was too tired, and still some leftover disappointment from yesterday. It got a lot better in the afternoon, though, after having a lunch and beverage with Samuel and Jackson. They were visibly more tired than I was, actually, being at a bachelor party until 4am this day... It was probably the best time I had in a while (even with the minute of awkward silence). Evening banquet for the 30th anniversary of kwcac...my mom and I really didn't want to go, but after finding no one else willing to take our tickets, we went anyway (while still in sleep, apparently). The dinner was not too bad, I guess, and I was too full. We skipped the rest of the program, and I rushed to the mccf prayer meeting...with only Wilfred and I again...that's, kind of sad, really. Anyway, we were along the meeting, but Wilfred started packing before we shared personal prayer requests, so I could only followed, and that was that... After a "mom's talk" and sending her home, the day is done.

Random notes...

• Ah...Jackson got a Camry hybrid...nice.
• Boy, there were more emails exchanged just this week regarding the first assignment for my TA course than possibly what I've ever done in an entire semester...it's kind of fun, though, in a weird way.
• I find that a lot of things I just do without thinking why I do it, which is sometimes good, I guess. But after some shallow soul searching, I do find that I like to go out of my way just to spend some time with friends, things such as taking Kai and Sophie to church (or Ikea), or getting Li Zhen out for lunch. Of course often there's a glorified reason that I'm serving God that way, but really, I probably do it just because I like thse people and I want to spend more time with them. I wonder if God is pleased when I do that... Or maybe I'm just lonely...I don't know.

I'm grateful to God for...

• connecting with Chen Jie yesterday;
• the wonderful time spent with Samuel and Jackson today;
• His presence in the prayer meeting, even if there were just the two of us;
• helping me face my fears through many prayers today; and
• Hir promise, love, faithfulness, and mercy that converge together to forgive my sins, as I embarrassingly confess them to Him again.

Basically most of this day was spent doing TA work, collecting assignments and distributing them. Along the way, there were a lot of emails exchanged with the instructors, a lot of sorting through assignments by sections because of misleading labels on the drop boxes, a lot of counting, and finally just completed the work by sending out some instructions on how to mark the assignments. This is no easy work, I have to say, but I do find that throughout it all, I had no complaints whatsoever, which is a different attitude from before when I encounter stressful situations. So that's a bit of an improvement...of course it could just be that I'm not marking the assignments that's making things easier, but anyway... Afternoon mccf was kind of disappointing, actually. I just happened to be in a group where (a) I don't know most of the people, and (b) the leader was Grace. And I didn't see David Lee, either, which is also disappointing. The dinner at Taiwan Small Eat was ok, though, where there's a closer interaction with a smaller number of people...funny how even the owner was asking where is David...heh. Then came home, and that's about it for the day.

Random notes...

• About jealousy...I do find myself to be jealous quick easily. Even the very minor things could make me jealous. And so far, I noticed that being jealous has brought nothing but trouble for me, including being unnecessarily hurt, depressed, angry at God, and of course, sin. There are very easy remedies to jealousy, yet it is so much easier to stay jealoused rather than getting rid of it...sigh...
• Trying something new...going to post scriptures that I would like to memorize in a new blog. Just started, so very little is in there.
• The next Bible study topic has been decided (and boy, do they really have to be so passive about it that the only thing that they can do is wait for me to finally assert a topic and then they can chime in their agreement? and why am I complaining about this trivial thing anyway?). God is Love. That's hard in a sense that we can go off in so many directions with this one, yet which ones to choose? God is Love.
• My new roommate still hasn't come yet...and his mail keeps coming...this is strange. But I am ok with being alone in this big suite...sometimes.
• I found out when do (some) men apologize the most...it is when playing recreational sports.

I'm grateful to God for...

• carrying me through all the work in the TA job today, giving me calm throughout this mess;
• meeting with James Kai Sophie today;
• bringing up yet another ugly part of my heart to deal with;
• holding me back from sending inappropriate emails to the myf coworkers list; and
• His unchanging and unfailing love for me, even as I try to hide from Him or rebel against Him...

Late start to the morning. Rushed to school for the annual C&O social to meet new students. I think I kind of talked to two new students, and that might have been a record for me...heh. However, it was a bit disturbing when the grad chair Bill doesn't know my name... Wasted the afternoon even though I was in the office. Came back tired as always, woken up by Ed's phone call asking me if I want to go out for dinner, and sure, why not. Went to dinner with Ed and Peter, and then played some games at Ed's place. A deal (or not) later, that's about it for the day.

Random notes...

• I got my first ever "fist bump," and it was with Pritchard at the social today. I still have no idea why that was done, but it was sort of cool, I guess.
• I see Ed and Peter having so much fun playing table tennis and darts, and I...just don't get it. I like the company, but I just don't get how such activities can be enjoyable...
• I used the prayer meeting as an opportunity to read the book Prayer by O. Hallesby. I kept reading on my own a little bit, and it's requiring such a different approach to prayer from me...I hope to learn it quickly.
• No kidding...after 4 days, nobody else is willing to make a suggestion for the topic of the second myf Bible study. It's a simple fill-in-the-blank topic, God is _____. Maybe we think too much...or too little...or maybe we just don't care. Then again, I should stop worrying about it...I do feel a lot of responsibility riding in me, that's why I was so concerned... Also, we are talking about attributes of the Almighty God Himself...cannot take this thing lightly.
• I weighed myself this morning, which is something that I haven't done in a while. Turns out that I'm holding steady at 79kg or 174lbs. That was quite surprising to me since I haven't done any serious exercise in a long long time now...

I'm grateful to God for...

• the good evening spent with Ed and Peter;
• the interesting conversations at the C&O social today;
• forgiving my sins and helping me gradually leave the guilt behind;
• moving me to unexpected prayers; and
• the struggle in continuing to shape my heart towards one that is right in serving Him.

Yesterday: I only wanted to make up the solutions for my TA course, but I didn't do that. I ended up spending most of the morning and afternoon doing things that are in rebellion against God, making many attempts to flee from temptations, only to fail miserably and got very depressed. I attended the mccf pre-study late afternoon anyway, but I was only able to joke around and trying to hide my emotions. Today: The events of yesterday continued to plague my mind in the morning. Finally went to the office in the afternoon to do the solutions. Half way through it, I got office hours, and two people came, and it was ok, except I really don't understand linear algebra... One person even stayed in the office (though only working at a desk) long after the office hours ended. Once I'm done the solutions, came back home for a brief rest, then headed out for the first myf brothers prayer meeting. Five people in total, and I thought that was ok, the relaxing atmosphere and the semi-open sharing, and of course, prayers. Some even wanted to have weekly meetings instead of the biweekly ones that I thought would suffice. So that's sort of good, I guess...though now there's more commitment...

Random notes...

• I was just flipping through some of the blog comments from the past (granted, I get very few comments, so I do treasure them when I get them). One comment that have sort of slipped my mind is from this post. I didn't think much of it at that time, and certainly I didn't know who wrote it...but now, after some digging through logs and stuff, something hit me, and I think this is the same author as the comment from this post. Is that right? I'm not sure...
• Another guy came into the office when he saw the other guy who was working at the desk after my office hours. He mentioned something that is possibly one of the funniest things I've ever heard about...it's a wind-up cell phone battery charger. Apparently you can wind it up for 30 seconds, and that gives you a 2-minute phone call! It's just...bizarre...and funny...
• I ended up downloading the first eppy of The Amazing Race (thanks to kcs). Boy, the double elimination was just too brutal...but I guess one good thing is that they finally went in the westward direction and landed in China for the first leg. Nice move.
• So yeah, I do realize that I'm receiving a lot more spiritual attacks and doubts ever since I came back to serve. That's kind of expected. I try not to let it bother me to a point where I would retreat from serving, at the same time expecting that God would turn these attacks around to get me growing, just like the last time. Now if only I can remember this in the future...
• I always feel like I'm sort of a fake mathematician, mostly because I have a very poor linear algebra background (cauesd by a poor prof back in sfu), and I just don't get a lot of the fundamental things...

I'm grateful to God for...

• His presence in the brothers prayer meeting;
• helping me get through today's office hour and in making the solutions;
• the chance to have interaction and fellowship with brothers and sisters for a bit of calm and joy amidst this troubling time;
• a refresher on the subject of temptations in reading The Purpose Drive Life; and
• not giving up on me.

So I was nervous all morning long because of the pending supervisor meeting. And I was still nervous even though I prayed about it. But then I went to the office, sat down at my table, and things started to make a little bit of sense, and I actually wrote some things down. It's like, why wasn't I able to think of this before? Of course I got stuck pretty soon, but that was more than enough to get through the supervisor meeting, which lasted for about 1.5 hours, mostly trying to think of ways to get out of the stuckage. All I can think is this: how come God continues to rescue me out of my own lazyness time after time after time? I'm quite ashamed of myself, actually, but very thankful at the same time. Came back home after the meeting, and bought the ticket to Bulgaria. It had a strange twist where I found out that the flights that I was planning to go for have increased in price by about $100. I tried several other combinations (even one that requires 3 flights each way), but eventually convinced myself that two flights each way is enough and I can pay the extra $100, only to find out that the price has dropped to the original level and I bought it at this lower price. There are a lot of mysteries involving airplane ticket prices, I have to say... So I leave in the afternoon of October 6, connecting through Frankfurt, arriving at Sofia in the afternoon next day, returning on October 12, connecting through Frankfurt again, arriving back in Toronto at night. Finally, for tonight, 4 straight hours of television...and I wonder if I had gone crazy already. An hour of usual millionaire and Jeopardy, two hours of deal where a guy actually picked the $3m case but ended up with a nice $650K anyway, then an hour of Studio 60 at the command of kcs where I still don't get it. And that's the day.

Random notes...

• About the first random note from yesterday...I guess I wasn't clear on one thing, and that is I was more upset with Laura's blunt embarrassing email to all coworkers and her decision to move Forrest to another group than with Forrest saying the Bible study was boring. I was bothered by the latter, too, but not so much, and got over it fairly quickly. It took more time to get over Laura's actions. I think it was my pride acting up a bit...and I kind of like this Forrest kid anyway. In any case, I'm ok now, so that's good, and I'm thankful that God resolved it so quickly (it took about a couple of hours).
• The next supervisor meeting is in 2 weeks, and the one after that is 2 weeks after as well...I really don't want to be lazy and leave everything until the last day again, but history is definitely against me...
• I'm starting to wonder...maybe my sabbatical wasn't long enough...

I'm grateful to God for...

• rescuing me out of trouble with research again;
• the successful booking of the plane tickets;
• keeping me away from temptations today;
• the time of relaxation tonight; and
• being this incredibly merciful and loving God, a God whom I still have trouble understanding, even with the basics.

I drove two couples to two different morning services. Nap in the afternoon. Helped David move his stuffs. Drove mom back. Evening prayer meeting. I'm so tired... Meanwhile, still no progress on research, and the dreaded supervisor meeting is tomorrow...

Random notes...

• I was just writing about the lesson about getting God's approval in serving Him, and I was tested on it a bit harshly today... The basic story is, Laura said that someone in my group thought the Bible study was boring, and she moved him to another group. Initially I felt quite offended and angry, then depressed, and prayed hard about it. Soon afterwards, I was calmed down and realize that I shouldn't be bothered by this kind of stuff because I served God to please God, not to please men (something I remember learning so long ago...). Of course there's a balancing act in there in the sense that I cannot totally ignore what people say, or I would be ineffective...but I shouldn't judge myself based on other people's reactions. Anyway, I now feel ok with the situation, and pray that God will continue to help me in serving Him.
• Another note about yesterday's Bible study...I'm just thankful that God put me in a group of all Christians. Hearing about how the non-Christians in another group raised questions, I realize that I have no ability to handle this kind of situations. They were being put in the right group, a group that had people who are much more passionate and knowledgable and intelligent than me.
• About the prayer meeting...on one hand, it's good to have this time of fellowship with Wilfred; on the other hand, only two people?! I had a choice between watching The Amazing Race and going to the prayer meeting, and it was an easy decision to go to the meeting. But two people?! Alright, so Christ said that if two or three people gather in His name, He will be there. But this lack of interest for the meeting is still quite disheartening...
• I have to say that I'm quite spiritually frustrated... I think I wasn't even remotely close to worshipping God in the two services. I sing the song, but I don't think my heart meant it. I listen to sermons, but they don't sink in. I tried to pray, but didn't know how, even during the prayer meeting. I think part of it was that I was burdened with a lot of earthly things...
• Of the five things that I listed about things to do this weekend two posts ago, I've done two. That's...pretty depressing.

I'm grateful to God for...

• leading me out of the depressing situation;
• time of interaction and fellowship with Wilfred in the prayer meeting;
• the patience He gave me in waiting for David and Betty;
• bringing David Betty Kai Sophie to church today; and
• having mom here to clean and cook.

Pretty much the day was spent surrounding this Bible study. (By the way, I put the notes online...) First I tried to print out 25 copies of the notes, but discovered that after the 8th or 9th copy, the printer toner seems to run out and the printed stuffs start getting lighter and lighter until it really prints almost nothing. So much wasted paper, I thought. But, recognizing that this is just another attack to derail the Bible study, I could only trust in God and not panic about it. Not long afterwards, I took the toner out, shake it a bit and put it back. Long and behold, it printed well again! Wow...so I just printed the notes one by one using the back of the supposedly wasted paper, and finished printing all 25 copies. I don't know why I wanted to print 25 copies, actually, especially since recent fellowship attendance has been around 10 to 15. When I got to church, there were around 7 or 8 people, and it was kind of depressing. But I didn't panic or anything. Long and behold, cars started to arrive, and by the time we were all on the stage sharing, there were exactly 25 people in the fellowship. No kidding. Three more people showed up in the middle of the Bible study, though, but still it was a miracle to me. As for the Bible study itself, I felt really awkward and nervous in the beginning, maybe because there were a few new people in the group, or because the questions are hard to discuss. But once we got to studying passages from the word of God itself, things went pretty well, I think. We had good discussions, and even if we sidetracked, it was all sort of related and always not for too long. I even find myself sharing things that I haven't thought of before... In any case, I think everyone learned something, and that's the important thing. But I was completely drained afterwards... I sent one of the group members May home, and she talked about how she have trouble understanding the Bible the way we did in the Bible study. I can only tell her my point of view and my experience, and hopefully that was helpful... Now I'm back home, alone, hoping not to get depressed.

Random notes...

• No, I will not let something so small yet so offensive that Francis did to depress me. No, I don't need to dwell on it at all. No.
• After fellowship, mom went to the three-moms meeting, some people went to Ben Thanh, and I went home. Seriously, I've had enough of Viet-Thai food for now... I skipped the mccf dinner yesterday as well because they went for Pho...
• One thing about the Bible study is that I think I depend too much on the reactions of the group members. If they were engaged and responding, I think it's going well; but if they start sighing or put their heads on the lap, I think it's going badly. Surely there's some element of truth in it, but in reality, I was reading too much into it, I think. And I shouldn't use these as a gauge for success...need to look to God and ask, "do You approve of this?" As an aside, there is this sense that I simply cannot convey the encompassing beauty and regularity and complexity of God's creation, so there's always something more to be desired...
• There's now an event for every evening of the week, apparently...though some of these only happen biweekly, and some I don't necessarily have to go...

  Monday: myf in-depth Bible study.
  Tuesday: mccf pre-study.
  Wednesday: myf brothers prayer meeting.
  Thursday: myf pre-study.
  Friday: mccf fellowship meeting.
  Saturday: myf fellowship meeting.
  Sunday: mccf prayer meeting.

  Am I overloading myself?
• Thinking about my academic career... I think I mentioned before that I'm at a point where I'm simply not interested in researching math anymore. After some more thoughts, I think it's mainly because of the things that I'm researching about right now, not particularly about math in general. I'm sure there are other areas of graph theory that I would be very interested in doing researching in, just not the things I'm doing right now. That's probably why I've been so reluctant about doing research... So is there a future for me in the academic career? I'm guessing no, at least not in what I'm doing right now. A teaching career would be nice, too, but I have too little experience for that.

I'm grateful to God for...

• having me as His workmanship, taking care of every detail of my being, and being proud of making me;
• leading me through the emotional and spiritual ups and downs of this Bible study, completing this major task in the first time since I returned to serve Him;
• bringing so many people to the fellowship today, spreading His message all around;
• keeping me back from falling deeply into temptations today; and
• bringing peace when I'm a nervous wreck.

I pretty much wasted the morning and afternoon because I was simply too tired. Well, I did prepare the notes for the Bible study, and I tried hard to re-design the template for it, but with my limited artistic skills, it ended up looking pretty dreadful...but anyway, it's the words that matter, not the looks, eh? Went to mccf late afternoon, and we played silly games. Something definitely felt different from before, though...like, there were a lot of people there that I don't know, and there's a sense of losing some of the intimacy that I felt before. Also, the overall environment felt younger and more...feminine? I don't know. Anyway. Came home, and had a 4 hours, 3 cities, 212.8 kilometres trip to Mississauga. Went to the new T&T in Mississauga, and that was good. Picked up David at the airport and returned while David and Betty were already whispering to each other's ears...heh. I was pretty tired by the time I got to the airport, though, so the return trip was kind of risky...and it was made worse when I unknowingly speed up to almost 140km/h... Anyway, that's the day, and I'm still way behind on research.

Random notes...

• Wow...76.2 gas...in Mississauga... Haven't seen the price begin with the number 7 for years.
• The car hits 54K on the way back from the airport near James Snow Parkway... I haven't done this in a while, so congratulations, car, for another minor milestone.
• I found out that now I TA for both David Lee and James...wooooooo...
• I now have a sense that I'm trying to keep in touch with too many friends...on one hand, it's wonderful that God gave me so many friends (which is something unusual); on the other hand, I can't keep a deep friendship with them... I guess I'm longing for the days in the past where there's a friend or two that I can hang out with regularly and talk freely without boundaries, but those almost always end up hurting me greatly... O the mysteries of friendships...
• Maybe I should make a list of things that I need to do during this weekend so that I don't get overwhelmed (or so that I can be overwhelmed legitimately): lead Bible study, research work, make solutions for 350, book plane tickets, prayer meeting. That's...not too bad, except that research thingie might be too much of a burden.

I'm grateful to God for...

• bringing David back and protect us in our evening trip;
• meeting and interacting with the people at mccf;
• helping me make the notes for the Bible study, even when I find it so tedious;
• giving me so many friends to be in company with and to care for; and
• calming me down a bit when I start to have great fears for things today.

I'm getting late starts to the day all this week, apparently. Woke up at close to 9 (not counting waking up at 2 first...). The good thing is I had devotion time for three days in a row now, hope to keep that going (although from past experiences, this is going to take some effort). Went to school and was greeted with an over-enthusiastic Berkant. When asked show he's going, he answered with a hearty "I'm wonderful!" And we all laughed at the ridiculous level of happiness that he's exhibiting...heh. It's kind of infectious, eh? Anyway, I tried to do research, but was unable to do so, and wasted a few hours there. Met Carlos and Graeme for the first time in a long time. Came home, had a brief nap, then off to pre-study for Saturday's Bible study. I was still agitated and nervous before pre-study, not knowing how it's going to be like, or how many people will show up. But to my surprise, all of them showed up, and the pre-study was not too bad. Much better than it would have been had I been the only one to prepare for it, and that's really the purpose of the reform that I was suggesting. Came home for Timmies dinner, and that's about it for the day.

Random notes...

• I was reading Your God is Too Safe early this morning (like 2am). The chapter is titled "The wounds we share." I was struck by it deeply. Mainly it's talking about the wounds that friends inflict on us or vice versa, and it hit me too close to home...especially when the author quoted from Psalm 55, which really expressed what I felt back in the days of the Francis conflict...

  If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it;
  if a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him.
  
  But it is you, a man like myself,
  my companion, my close friend,
  
  with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
  as we walked with the throng at the house of God.

  So...the lesson is, the wounds may not heal (they may always be there), but these wounds may heal us, and bring us closer to Christ's wounds, for which I'm partially responsible for wounding. It's a hard lesson, as it is really easy to be hateful rather than turn to God. I just pray hard that I will really learn this lesson...
• I left the prestudy with a sense of lost...I don't quite understand why. It's like, there's so much we can talk about in the topic of God is Creator, we can only talk a tiny little fraction of it, feels quite unsatisfying. Or perhaps it's the feeling that leading the Bible study is overwhleming. I don't know.
• So I'm going forth with the puzzle option. I regret not being able to take the wedding option, but I really can't do both, unfortunately. As Eugene suggested, if I do win the championship (which is impossible), I can shout out "This is for Jackson and Rebecca!" (..........)
• The leaves on the trees just outside my window are changing colours, and falling pretty quickly... But then maybe these are special leaves, because when I look further toward the campus, most of the trees are still as green as...well...trees. The tricky thing is the timing for going north to visit Algonquin again...
• When I met Carlos and Graeme, they asked me how I was doing in the recent past. I said there was a family trip, which occurred for the last week of August. And then there was last week...but I don't remember how I spent last week...it's all a blur to me. It was that bad, eh?
• I wanted to apply this protective plastic film to my mPod, but I really suck at this kind of thing, so eventually I gave up on it. I couldn't put back the original film that was on it, so now my mPod is, well, unclothed... I've heard that its surface is easy to scratch, so I guess I'll have to care for it a little. Then again, isn't this supposed to be a music player only and not a decoration? So yeah...anyway.
• Even with all the serving that's been done, I still have lingering doubts...mostly about myself. Is my heart right? Do I really love Christ? How come I have trouble listening to God? Am I back to being a theoretical Christian? Have I really been released from the bondage of sin?

I'm grateful to God for...

• leading us through the pre-study this evening;
• making my stomach feel a bit better now;
• His presence in the time of devotion this morning;
• the lesson about the wounds; and
• finally settling the wedding puzzle question.

Late start this morning. Managed to finally go to the office at around 1pm, which I haven't been to in a long time. Started by doing the usual beginning-of-semester desk clean up (although from the looks of it, I didn't do this last term...). Met my new officemate Tony originally from UOttawa. Slightly awkward first meeting, but I guess it was ok. I tried to (gasp!) do a bit of research, but having not touched this material for three weeks, I have trouble figuring out what's going on, and what exactly was my supervisor talking about when I took those strange notes...so that's not going so well. I'll try again tomorrow. Came home and immediately got inspired to head out to get some groceries. It is mesister's birthday, and mom urged me to call her, and I did, susprisingly enough, for 10 minutes... Cooked some spinach for dinner, and that was good. And that's about it.

Random notes...

• With so many others things going on, I almost forgot that I'm still a student, and there are some things that I need to do in that regard...
• Are the wheels of my new chair damaging the vinyl floor? Hmm...
• Is there something really wrong with my stomach? Still got some pain when I eat or when I'm hungry... Usually I get this pain when I have a lack of fruits and veggies in my diet...praying that this will go away soon.
• I'm close to making a decision on the wedding puzzle...and it looks like puzzle is winning so far, but I'm still a bit reluctant to make it a final.
• I was flipping through the Bible and a couple of other books this morning. Accidentally stumbled upon Colossians 1:15-17, which just happens to fit well into the coming Bible study... Then flipping through The Purpose Driven Life, stumbled upon the following and thought, no wonder Francis and I can hardly be restored...

  Peacemaking is not avoiding conflict. Running from a problem, pretending it doesn't exist, or being afraid to talk about it is actually cowardice.

I'm grateful to God for...

• bringing me back to work as a student;
• continuing to provide for the coming Bible study;
• the clean desk at home, which increased my willingness to have devotional time;
• lifting the burden in me so that I don't worry (as much) about the Bible study; and
• the courage to call mesister and find out what's happening in her life.

I was quite dismayed at how quickly I fell into temptation again...this is getting to a point where I felt like I've returned to my old self, throwing away all the lessons learned in the past few months. Is there any hope for me to recover? Sure there is, but I need help... So that was in the morning. In the afternoon, there was this TA meeting, and I've inadvertantly gotten the "Head TA" position... "My condolances," said Furino...heh. It seems like it's not too bad to be a head TA, though...for now. Interesting conversation with Samuel in the afternoon where he was (according to server logs) on the internet via wireless connection in UWO (heh...). That's probably it for the day.

Random notes...

• Early this morning, I looked closely at the image of my face in the mirror, which I rarely do. All I can say is, I look a lot older now... Childish heart with an old man's look...that's not good.
• I quite enjoy the new chair, actually. But now it looks more like an electric chair rather than a rocket chair...hmm... Anyway.
• I guess I have to mention the wedding puzzle again. I think I'll need to make a firm decision fairly soon, but I'm still very much overwhelmed by the choice... I'm not necessarily sad about it, since both are great events to attend. Right now, of all the people I asked, all but one suggests the puzzle option. I prayed about it quite a bit...with no answer so far...or maybe the answer is right in front of my eyes...

I'm grateful to God for...

• giving me a few ideas and directions to go in the coming Bible study;
• the interesting msn chats with Samuel and Eugene;
• stopping me whenever I start to panic again;
• this opportunity to be the head TA in a course; and
• the incredible yet intriguing truth that Jesus is "upholding all things by the word of His power"...

The only plan on the agenda for today was to stay at home and wait for the delivery of the new chair. The chair didn't come until about 3pm...but first, started the morning with breakfast and (surprisingly) a time of prayer. I definitely needed it. Struggled quite a bit with the coming Bible study, with the topic God is Creator... Slept a bit, woken up by a phone call telling me the chair was here, and that was great. Tried to assemble the chair, which was a partial success initially, but got stuck in the final stages when I couldn't connect the back piece with the sitting area piece...took a rest, and eventually figured out that I should be putting a metal plate under another metal plate instead of over it...(heh, that was too hard to describe). In any case, I did assemble this thingie and now I have a spiffy new rocket-esque chair! Nice... After that, helped Kai move some stuffs to his place, had dinner, and that was about it for the day. I have to say, there was mysterious joy throughout this day...and I still haven't made a decision on the wedding puzzle!

Random notes...

• Another thing that I found similar between my mom and Leonard...they both call me by the wrong name. Mom often calls me by mesister's name, or my uncle's name, and Leonard calls me David...
• As I'm thinking about how hard it is to follow God's call for me to give up my obsession with violence, I often heard questions that are quite similar to this famous one from the Bible..."Has God indeed said, 'You shall not eat of every tree of the garden'?" I often couldn't identify this as the start of a temptation, hence I still fail... But God is faithful, and He still forgives me and loves me when I confess my sins.
• I was watching Willingdon's service online, and the call-to-worship-type verse for the day was Colossians 3:16-17, and I loved this passage...
  

  Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.

• Boy, I haven't exercised for the longest time...
• I'm usually very curious as to who would read the stuffs I wrote here, even though I do write this as kind of a journal recording for myself, things to look back on in the future...but I don't mind people reading it, at the same time I don't advertise for it, either... Anyway, a little bit of rusted detective work done today yielded a result that has shocked me a bit...if the result is correct, that is. I'm writing this paragraph in vague form for no particular reason...
• New TV season starts today...with lots of news coverage of the fifth anniversary of the terrorist attacks...which I have trouble watching. In the game show world...Millionaire was ok. Jeopardy went HD and I don't like it. I had a hard time figuring out who rang in, and the text for the clue had irregular spacing, and there were more inbalances and stuff...then again, I'm kind of picky on these tiny these... I was looking forward to Family Feud, but the nbc channel cancelled it, and I could only watch it briefly on the extremely noisy and snowy omni. The new set looks great, but the host was a little slow in the timing... Anyway, I really shouldn't be watching TV...
• So about the Bible study this Saturday...this would be the first time that I try to prepare one in a while (about half a year, I think). I was actually quite unsettled about the topic of God is Creator...I just don't know what to include or which direction to go, and other than the simple stuffs, I don't understand the deeper things. I was quite worried. But then God reminded me to trust Him, seek Him, and rely on Him, instead of trying to do things on my own. That lifted the burden quite a bit, even though I'm still not entirely ready to let go. This would be a lesson of faith that I will need to learn quickly as I attempt this comeback to serve God in this area.

I'm grateful to God for...

• giving me the patience in waiting for the new chair, and then assembling it successfully;
• reminding me about the lesson of faith in preparing the Bible study;
• bringing me to prayers;
• the opportunity to help out Kai and Sophie again; and
• guiding me in all the thoughts that's been going on in my mind, and directing them towards Him.

Boy, what a strange and exciting day. I woke up pretty early, around 6:40, despite having a hard day yesterday. Started with yet another disappointment in falling into temptation, and getting angry with myself for being so nonresistant. Two services in the morning proved to be dizzying (physically and spiritually). Glad to see Jackson and Rebecca after the service, and I talked at length with them. Rushed to send mom home, then Kai and Sophie to New City (and got lost in between), then to Ben Thanh (again), this time for a very full lunch before heading to church for myf coworkers meeting. Yup, I went to one of those again...it's not that bad, I guess, but I was simply tired. Got home, received a surprising voice mail from Samuel telling me that he's here, and I was tired no more. Well, actually, it's a mix of tiredness of the day and adrenaline in wanting to see Samuel. Then rushed to get mom and arrived at Jeff's place where the 5 of us (including Cindy) just chatted for a while. Dinner at a seafood Chinese restaurant in Kitchener, more chatter, and then just like that, I had to say goodbye to Samuel already...sigh... Oh well, there must be a next time, eh?

Random notes...

• After the dinner, I was driving home, and suddenly I felt this strange urge in my throat, as if there's something that I want to say that just couldn't come out. It may be a strange juxtaposition of emotions that I was going through. I've just said another goodbye to Samuel, longing to see him and talk to him again...I'm facing a Bible study to prepare, first one in a long time...I'm still undecided on the wedding puzzle...I have a lot of research left to do...and I felt so far away from God. It's as if there's something God wants to tell me, and I just don't know how to listen to Him.
• Yes, I'm jumping back into serving God without fully resolving a lot of things. I just felt like I need to do something for God, and time seems to be running out. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not...but most importantly, I'm not sure if my heart is right or not in the sight of the Lord. One notable thing, though, is that temptations seem to come on particularly strong during days that I have these important fellowship meetings to attend...and that's just...well, I guess kind of expected. Cheap, but expected.
• I get cynical sometimes...like today, I was wondering, was I really worshipping God, or was I merely singing? How about those people on stage? I don't know.
• Wayne's email about his new card ranks high up there as one of the funniest emails ever.
• I really like this new table, actually...

I'm grateful to God for...

• the surprise meeting with Samuel, Jackson and Rebecca today;
• the reprieve of getting another week to prepare for supervisor meeting;
• directing a lot of my thoughts towards Him;
• giving me enough energy to last through this draining yet exciting day; and
• the opportunity to serve Him in the area of Bible study again.

I was struggling a lot this morning, thinking over questions about God, my heart, my sins, and almost everything. I couldn't make sense out of anything. And then my mom came. I was kind of depressed. I briefly mentioned to my mom that I might be able to use a desk in the niche that I have in my room. Forgetting about mom's character, I was mildly shocked when she wanted to go to Ikea in the afternoon. Oops. First went to Staples, looked around for desks, but instead found a chair that we really liked. Then off to Ikea, where after some looking around, decided on a desk that include shelves, costing around $200 including taxes. Surprisingly, it fits in my car, so that was good. We came back to Waterloo, and at a whim of thought went back to Staples again 5 minutes before it closes for the day (which we didn't know). Bought the chair, but they didn't have stock, so it's going to be shipped here on Monday. Cost of the chair: $340. Yikes. But it is a good chair... Came back home, ate, went out to borrow a toolbox from Li Zhen, came back to assemble this thingie, which was surprisingly easy, actually. It looks nice. Painfully moved stuffs from my original desk to the new desk, and cleaned up things, and now I have a very nice room. In between, there was laundry, and I'm simply exhausted...but it was a good day.

Random notes...

• It just seems that everyone I asked told me to choose puzzle over wedding, but I'm really torned. I understand that ultimately it's my decision, but I somehow feel that I want to go against the crowd... I guess I just have to wonder which one would be more painful to miss...
• By adding this new desk to the room, I'm eliminating any more possibility of adding anything else to my room. There are advantages and disadvantages to that, of course... Most notably, the heavybag is never coming back. Also, now I have a space to study and read, for both academic and spiritual purposes, and I'm happy about it.
• Yes, there are definitely advanatages in shopping with mom. Most notably, she buys things that I will never imagine myself buying.
• Where is Samuel?
• Finally completed the family trip photo upload. The compressed photos are still in the gallery, but the uncompressed undeleted photos can be downloaded in the shared section. A warning, though, that the total size of all the files is close to 2GB.

I'm grateful to God for...

• another safe trip to Ikea and back;
• this clean room and additional space for studying;
• Kai and Sophie being willing to come to Sunday service;
• showing me this still-rebellious heart that I have; and
• giving me enough energy to last through the day.

The morning started with a surprise fire alarm, which of course must have been a false alarm. I don't remember much of what I did in the morning, but I certainly remember what happened in the afternoon. I spent the entire afternoon and evening with Kai and Sophie! First time I saw them in months, so that was nice. They wanted to buy tables and chairs...first we tried Staples, but that didn't work. The idea of Ikea (heh...it rhymes) came up, and we went back to Kai's place to search for its location on the internet, which was not working...after that was fixed, we headed off to Burlington. They took a long long LONG time to decide on their choice of tables and chairs...heh. It's just so funny to see their discussions. Ikea really is an interesting place...even I wanted to buy some table and chair from there, only that I'm not so willing to shell out that much money. Kai and Sophie went for the lower-end version, but still cost a lot... Came back to Waterloo, spent some time in Conestoga, which included me at the end running across a closed mall to get my car from one end of the mall to the other end...heh. Finished with a dinner at "Every house happy" and moving stuffs into Kai's place. We were all very exhausted, that's for sure. At least I didn't stay home and do nothing, that's the good thing.

Random notes...

• I took my mPod with me during the fire alarm, making it the first time the pod has gone outdoors. I was singing along with the worship songs playing in the pod...I hope I didn't sing too loud...heh.
• It was a pretty hot day, actually. Not as hot as some of the heat wave days this past summer, but still pretty hot...29 degrees registered on my car. Good thing the thunderstorm cooled things down qutie a bit.
• Still no decision on the wedding vs puzzle thingie. Sigh...I really want to make a decision soon... Still need wisdom from God to make it...
• Boy, Kai and Sophie could eat...a lot.
• The topics that myf will go with this semester are occupying my mind a bit. When I raised the suggestion of studying God's characters, I really didn't know that they would actually be in favour of it and go for it, simply because I thought it would be quite difficult to prepare for. But now I keep encountering things that could be shared through this series of Bible studies... Today I read about God's omnipresence. God is everywhere. It's not right for me to ask for God to come to me, He's already here! Instead, I need to realize His presence everywhere, all the time. It's going to take some time for the adjustment...

I'm grateful to God for...

• the spectacular display of a thunderstorm this evening;
• the joy in seeing and connecting with Kai and Sophie again;
• the opportunity to help out and spend time with Kai and Sophie;
• His protection in all the travels and getting lost today; and
• being with me everywhere I go, all the time.

It was a terrible day. I was in this strange unexplainable bad mood leftover from yesterday, and it got worse today. I wasn't careful, so despite successfully fighting temptations off early in the day, I eventually gave in in the afternoon, making me feel even worse. As if things couldn't get any worse, it does. My mom came and started to bug me over and over and over...I simply didn't say a word. I just couldn't explain myself, and I desperately needed time alone right then. In the evening, went to the mccf meeting, and that sort of lifted my spirits a bit, seeing good friends again. I guess part of what I needed was people to meet and talk to...other than my mom.

Random notes...

• My new roommate has not appeared yet (strangely enough), but apparently we have a name for him now... Scott Harrison is the name, which I got from picking up the mail. Based on a little research on the uw website, he's a history person...so he looks to be the other end of the spectrum from me, academic-wise...heh. Should be interesting...I hope.
• I have been officially invited to the Canadian team for the WPC. Question is, should I accept it. It's been bugging me over and over... I was leaning towards attending the wedding, simply because I absolutely adore Jackson and Rebecca. But then almost everyone around me say that I should go to the WPC. So now I'm confused... One more complication: it might be possible that I attend the wedding, then rush to a flight to Bulgaria in the evening, missing the opening ceremony and the excursions. But without the sightseeing tour, a major point of going there would be lost... So...I still don't know.
• This morning, I tried to recall Psalms 19 and 20, both of which I have memorized in the past few months. And I had trouble recalling many verses...looks like my memory is failing me greatly already.

I'm grateful to God for...

• the joy in seeing some of the mccf people again;
• His love and grace in this tough tough day;
• leading us through the mccf meeting;
• giving me this possibility of going to Bulgaria for WPC, even if it's causing such a dilemma right now; and
• the brief moment this morning when I experienced His power personally.

I don't like what I'm doing these days, which is essentially nothing. I tried running in the morning, but that was too painful and I stopped a quarter of the way. There was this dinner at Ben Thanh for Mama Yen's birthday. I ate too full, and that led to a bad stomach... I said I wanted to go home instead of her place because I have things to do...but really, I lied, and I just wanted to get away and stay alone for some odd reason. It's just...bizarre. I guess the bright spot for the day (even for just a few minutes) was receiving Kai's call...

So about the Jackson Rebecca wedding vs World Puzzle Championship issue... It's not a dilemma in a sense that I don't like either events...I am very excited about attending either one. The dilemma comes because I would be really sad in missing either one of the two... I'm not sure at all which one I should choose. Suggestions?

I'm grateful to God for...

• connecting with Kai and Jonathan again;
• letting me see the emptyness of my life...;
• being a God of so many great characters, so overwhelming...so hard to study even a tiny fraction of them;
• finally settling the issue of mom's living arrangements, and helping her in her bus journeys;
• keep pounding in me the notion that to be good at anything requires training...

Yesterday: Spent the entire morning struggling to do...something. Ended up with a brief devotion which struck me deeply. Jesus told the Pharisees to go and learn the meaning of "I desire mercy, not sacrifice." And I find it hard to understand. Afternoon was spent with Ingrid and Ed who came over for lunch. Most of the time my mom and Ingrid talked, and Ed and I remain silent...which is the nature of things, apparently. Sent mom to Yen's place in the evening, and I came back to try and write some of the ideas I have for myf down, then sent it out. That was a bit of a relief...strangely enough. Today: The morning was spent uploading family trip photos, which can be found here. Afternoon was kind of wasted, really. It's a day with relatively little mom-interruption, so that was kind of nice...sort of. Evening was spent with Ingrid, Ed and Laura to discuss myf stuffs, and that was a long but fruitful evening, I believe. And that ends these two days.

Random notes...

• Boy, what a big dilemma...well, it's not that big, I guess. I've just been told that there is a very high possibility that I can go to the World Puzzle Championship in Bulgaria, something that I've wanted to go for years and worked hard on puzzle skills to get to. But, it just happens to be on the Thanksgiving weekend, the same weekend as Jackson and Rebecca's wedding! And I've already promised Jackson that I would go... This is tough. I'm not sure what to think, let alone how to decide where to go... Both are kind of once-in-a-lifetime events...yikes.
• So I'm playing with this iPod nano thingie, which I've uncreatively named the mPod... Took a while to figure out the shuffle function, but it was good. I'm still a bit old school and want to run the battery dry before charging it, even though they say that's not necessary...
• I'm jumping back in to this myf coworkers thing, apparently... There's always that fear that my heart isn't right. I'm just not sure.
• Jonathan's in Toronto? Wooo...need to find him...
• I really should just face the reality and call this constant working on puzzles what it is...an addiciton. I just can't put them down...despite having large number of other things to do... I guess this means that I'm going to the wedding?

I'm grateful to God for...

• making life oddly interesting, in a variety of ways;
• showing me part of the meaning of "I desire mercy, not sacrifice";
• leading us through the discussion and planning for myf;
• good times of fellowship with Ed and Ingrid; and
• dragging and leading me away from tempting situations today.

Back to regular(?) everyday(?) mundane(?) real(?) life now... Yesterday: Morning being dragged around in heavy rain and traffic to do shopping. Afternoon fellowship was strange, seeing lots of birds flying (or not), and then the short awkward prayer meeting. Evening dumpling making where I helped by squeezing out water from vegetables using my palms. Today: Two services in the morning again. Sleep in the afternoon. More dumpling making (and eating) in the evening, and then sent my mom back to Yen's place. I don't know, I felt kind of sad and angry for most of both days...mostly because my mom was almost always with me, wanting me to do this and do that, taking her to here and there, nothing like the minimal disruption that she promised before she came here. I guess I should also be honest and say that I wouldn't be doing anything else anyway, but somehow I didn't want to spend all my time with mom, either... Ah...just two days of experience out of three months...

Random notes...

• How strange is this: There's this song called "Better is one day," and I've heard it once during a kwcac English service back in 2002, and never heard it again. That is, until last night, when I was flipping through my iTunes music list, saw that I have this track and played it. Strange thing is, we sang this very song this morning at cfc...it just sends some chill to my spine to see such coincidence happening... "Better is one day in Your courts, better is one day in Your house, better is one day in Your courts, than thousands elsewhere."
• So for this weblog, I have this long-running format of having three totally unrelated paragraphs in each post. Now with the introduction of random notes containing an odd number of totally unrelated items in point form, it's like having disarray within disarray...heh.
• I feel like a fake again. The prayer meeting, the worship, the sermon messages...I find that my heart wasn't into them at all... I keep getting sidetracked from focusing on God. It's like unlearning almost everything learned in the past year, which is kind of disheartening.
• One thing leftover from Thursday's dinner at Mongolian Grill...I bumped into Clarence and Christina there. That was quite a surprise. Considering that Clarence had been saying repeatedly over the summer that he wanted to go to Mongolian Grill, and that when he actually went there, I was there as well just by coincidence...it's a bit mind blowing when coincidences like this happens...
• One sentiment which arose on this family trip is that all throughout the trip, I'm constantly focused on taking great photographs of what I've seen, trying over and over again to get the right look, right angle, right brightness, right colour and stuff...and rarely succeeds. That's why it was surprisingly devastating to me when I found out about the grey blob that appears in almost every photographs... What this does is that by focusing on the photographs, I often forget to just take time to enjoy the scenery and appreciate God's creation. That's something I do regret. Perhaps one day I'll go on a long trip without taking a camera...well, that's kind of impossible, eh?
• I find in me a mild burden to spread the gospel to people like Kai, Li Zhen and Chen Jie, and to help spiritual growth in people like Francis, Aaron and Clarence. But then I looked at myself and said, who am I that I dare to do these things when I myself still have a lot of lingering questions about the reality of the gospel in my life, when I myself have very limited spiritual growth?
• Well, there are good things that's been happening these days, so I need not be always so negative, eh? For instance, the poor rainy weather this weekend reminds me of how we were blessed by God with the great weather for the family trip. Also, there has been less focus on my addictions, which is great, but still a long way to go. And there are now more dumplings to eat...heh. (And I just realized that I have made this point disarray within disarray within disarray...a 3D-disarray...)

I'm grateful to God for...

• helping me realize that the coincidences are no mere coincidences, they are hints of Him working in my life;
• His abundance of blessings during the family trip;
• healing my back so that it feels much better;
• helping me realize that it is possible to be less dependent on modern technology and live a simpler life; and
• reducing the level of sexual and violent desires in me these days.

Family Trip: Day 7

Well, really, the trip ended at around 5am...but let's start from the top. Woke up at 4am, me having only 3 hours of sleep. Scrambled to leave the hotel at around 4:30, where I found out that I've lost yet another pencil, the ATS one that I had for years...sigh... Got to the airport at 5, sent dad away on terminal 3, sent mesister away on terminal 1, and that ended the family trip for us. I was too tired to be emotional about this sending away event, unfortunately...usually I would be crying tears (of sadness, not joy) when this happens... Anyway, went straight back to Waterloo afterwards. Logged 136.5 kilometres this time for a grand total of 1558.3 kilometres for the entire trip. Had a heavy duty clean up of my residence amidst clouded consciousness and collapsed on my bed (with a solid wood plank as base now...thanks Alan!). Woke up, went to Yen's place, Conestoga to get mom's cell working (didn't work), bought some stuffs, came back, more sleep, woke up, went to Yen's place again, came back, and that's the day.

Random notes...

• My mom keeps changing her mind on where she wants to stay, and it's really embarrassing for me to inform others on her changes...
• Another thing that this trip taught me is that I really don't need to depend on television, and only need to spend only about an hour or two on the computer...will I follow up on that now that I'm back to regular life? Highly unlikely...
• When I talked to C&O Tony a couple of weeks ago, he talked (or rather joked) about camping as being some kind of cleansing of the soul...I laughed...but now I realize, it's not so far fetched. There's this indescribable feeling in this trip that helps connected with God through nature. The lower standard in accessing technology also helped made life much simpler. Anyway, not sure what I'm getting at here.
• I'm kind of annoyed by Laura's bulldozing style...but what can I do? I'm never sure of anything.
• Still trying to figure out how to use the iPod...I'm really not a music freak, so I don't know how much use I have for it...
• I think I got sick...sigh...
• The thing with the cell phone is that apparently the cell my mom brought from Taiwan is unable to receive the frequency thingie in Canada...that felt a bit strange, but she has bought the sim card already, so yeah, going to find Ed to see if any of his extra cells work... Of course, once my mom leaves Waterloo, I'm sure she's going to ask me to use the cell...

I'm grateful to God for...

• getting Alan to put his wood plank in my room, which made quite a difference in my sleep comfort;
• giving me enough energy to drive home early in the morning;
• lots of quality sleep;
• keeping a levelled head in me while performing the awkward task of shopping with mom; and
• the beautiful weather He gave us during the entire trip.

Family Trip: Day 6

We logged 3 cities and 237.9 kilometres for this essentially-final day of the trip. The itinerary was simple...go to Toronto. But first...a stop at the Huntsville Wal-Mart where dad fulfilles yet another wish in buying new jeans for me...yeah, that's weird. Anyway, we left Huntsville at around 11 and headed in the direction of Toronto. Made a stop in Barrie for lunch and looking at Lake Simcoe. I should note that as I'm driving towards Barrie, I find myself in more and more traffic, eventually the highway widened to 3 lanes with even more traffic, and I started to get this strange anxiety and depression inside of me. When I got to Barrie, that feeling deepened even more as I hit downtown traffic and circling around and around to find parking. I almost snapped and wanted to quit driving at that point, actually, which is quite a contrast with the enjoyable driving that I've done throughout the trip. Looks like I'm more of a countryside person than an urban person... Anyway, back to the trip, we arrived at our hotel, and got some rest while dad went off for business. Went to T&T later on, then Mongolian Grill for a full meal, followed by bubble tea with Andrew and Peter, which was the best experience for the day...heh. The evening was spent with a lot of flowing data, and I slept at around 1am...

Random notes...

• I saw and touched a two-month-old baby at dinner...boy, that was a really touching moment. The skin is so tender. But whenever I see babies, I start to imagine what they have to go through in order to grow up and the kind of world that they are going to face, and that sort of gives me a heartache...
• About Huntsville...we stayed for 3 nights here, but we didn't do much in this town. It's sort of a middle-of-everything kind of town, and we used it as this focal point in the journey, branching out to surrounding areas each day. It's a surprisingly large city, though, with about 30K people (actually, I would say that any city that has a Wal-Mart is a large city...). Surprising for a town that doesn't seem to have any major industry going for it, except for the tourist industry surrounding the town...
• Part of what made this trip a bit straining for me is the fact that I planned this trip, and if they don't enjoy it, I feel quite responsible for that... It ended up well, thank God, but there were many moments where I felt that the trip was about to break down and become disappointing. Negativity at work, once again.
• Things I don't like: heavy highway traffic, downtown traffic with one-way streets, paying for parking.
• During the trip, at the end of each day, I would play this guess-the-kilometres game, where members of my family got to estimate the distance travelled on that day. It was a fun little game, and mostly my mom and dad won...sometimes with really close estimates.

I'm grateful to God for...

• such a wonderful trip, taking care of us every step of the way;
• the good times in meeting with Peter and Andrew;
• calming me down numerous times today when I start to become impatient, whether it's with the traffic or with the family;
• the unique things that I could only experience because I'm in this particular family; and
• being in control of everything, large and small, visible and invisible.

Family Trip: Day 5

We logged 4 cities and 228.3 kilometres this day. We had an early start to the day, waking up between 7 and 8, mostly because dad wanted to golf at a nearby course early in the morning. He went for a pre-golf "inspection" and found out that there's no golfing until later in the day...oh well, we woke up anyway, so I decided to go to High Falls near Bracebridge. Good thing I checked online for directions before I went, for otherwise I would have never found it...and it was a really nice waterfall, the largest in the Muskoka region, I've heard. It's not large, really...actually, it's pretty small...but the setting is just beautiful and we can actually get close enough to the falls to touch the water. That was nice. Moving on, the only thing planned for this day was the 30,000 island cruise at 1pm, which is in Parry Sound. We headed that way, and "bumped" into a golf course on the way there... At the "Sound," we had a nice little pre-cruise lunch near the boat launch, and then we were off to the 3-hour cruise. The cruise itself is ok, I guess. It follows a bit of the Algonquin pattern from the previous day, where I was kind of disappointed in the beginning, but was amazed by the sights that we encountered later on. It's very relaxing, so relaxing that my mom and mesister slept for a lot of the 3 hours...heh. I really don't know how to describe what I saw, I guess I can only refer to pictures when I post them later... After the cruise, we head back to the golf course that we passed by on the way to play golf and fulfill one of dad's wishes... The course is called The Diamond "In The Ruff" (whatever that means). After some confusion and stuff, we ended up having me and my dad playing while my mom and mesister caddying... It's my first time playing golf on a real golf course, and I haven't held a club in about 4 years, and have I mentioned that I hate golf? In any case, we did 9 holes, and I didn't do too bad, scoring 80 on this par 34 course. Dad got 59. All done in exactly 2 hours, which was the suggested pace of play, apparently... We wanted to have dinner at the clubhouse afterwards, but that didn't work, so they suggested another place nearby called Jimmy Hatz, and we went there. It wasn't really good, though...except for the smoked meat sandwich I ordered, which was great. After dinner, we headed to the hotel in the dark (first time we did this in the entire trip), and got lost for a bit, but recovered, and finally I collapsed in the hotel room...and that ends the day.

Random notes...

• This is the day when "lower" gas prices made the headline news...and we gassed up at 94.9 at Parry Sound, not too bad.
• A really bad joke: It's a 3-hour cruise for the 30,000 islands, so basically 10K islands per hour... Not a joke: It's also $30 per person, so 10 bucks per hour...
• It was a pretty cold day to start and end with, actually...I didn't bring my jacket along, but I wish I had.
• I do realize during this trip that so much can be done in a day...so there is basically no excuse for wasting time like I did before the trip, eh?
• There are talks on having an annual family trip already...sounds like yet another blank cheque that dad is writing, but who knows... The planned destination for next year is Newfoundland. But first, my mom wants another trip to the Muskoka region at the end of September to see the fall colours...I'm not sure I have enough energy to do another such trip...
• My dad snores...quite loudly, in fact. Woke me up the day before in the middle of the night...
• Apparently my dad connects with me the most when playing golf...but really, I still don't like golf...

I'm grateful to God for...

• making golf tolerable for me for just this day...;
• creating the beautiful 30K Islands, and not having to deal with seasickness on the cruise;
• the rare time of family gathering and good interactions and conversations;
• helping us find our way back to the hotel in the dark; and
• the perspective in me in believing that all the beautiful things we've seen are created by Him, which I'm sure made a big difference in how I see things.