Family Trip: Day 4

We logged 208.8 kilometres and one giant park for today. Basically the itinerary for the day was to go into Algonquin Park and return, simple as that. We left at around 10am (kind of late, but oh well) with some grocery shopping for lunch and stuff...and we're off! The drive was just so relaxing, I don't know why. First stop, the West Gate. Well, we kind of have to stop there to get a permit and some postcards... Hardwood Lookout trail is next, a supposedly 0.8 kilometre trail. The lookout to Smoke Lake was kind of disappointing, actually... Algonquin Art Centre is next, where they had some food, and I just walked around, thinking how in the world can I look at God's wonderful creation, and find it to be so ordinary and dull...prayed a bit, and then we were off again. The small beach at the Lake of Two Rivers was next, which had a good view. Then, Lookout trail...it's a 1.9-kilometre trail that is rated as "difficult," but since it has "lookout" in its name, we went for it... It really was a bit difficult with all the hard climb up, but at the top of it, the cliff overlooking a large expanse of the park below was just spectacular. Amazing view. It's like a reward for all the hard climb. We just absolutely loved this place, taking a ton of photos. After this high point, we were all kind of tired...went to the Visitor Centre to buy some stuffs, completed the travel at the East Gate, and then returned on the same route. On the way back, visited Deerhurst Resort, which was kind of interesting, but I guess I was too tired to make myself interested... Dinner at King's Buffet, and it was yet another huge dinner. By the time we got back to the hotel, I just almost dropped dead...heh. And that completes the day.

Random notes...

• I found a tiny speck on the camera sensor thingie, and we bought some q-tip to get rid of it. Now the photos are speck free! Nice...
• I guess I kind of feel awkward when my dad mixes business with family travel, but if it's not for my dad's business, the traveling might not have happened...oh the dilemma...
• Note to self, next time (if there is one) when I visit Lookout trail, make sure I go early in the morning to get good lighting for photographs.
• Lots of bugs in the first trail, so much so that mesister's legs were almost all red by the end of it...yikes.
• To climb up a rock in the middle of the Lookout trail, my dad injured his lips...oops.
• I do find myself to be quite depressing and unresponsive whenever I'm tired or hungry, or both. Maybe I should watch myself a bit to make sure that I don't do stupid stuffs when that happens...
• Good thing I brought the computer along so I can store the pictures taken...and we took lots of them: 53 for day 1, 64 for day 2, 137 for day 3, and 117 for day 4. And this is just for my camera!

I'm grateful to God for...

• the wonderful day He has provided us with, especially with the fantastic views and the very good weather;
• helping us pick the good trails to walk on;
• a lot of quality time spent together as a family, which is just such a rare opportunity;
• once again giving me enough physical energy to complete the driving and the trail walking; and
• turning my mind and eyes around from finding things ordinary to finding things extraordinary.

Family Trip: Day 3

We logged 5 cities and 197.0 kilometres for this day's journey. Had a late start to the day because the condo was so nice... First stop was Scenic Caves, which is nearby. There was this longest suspension foot bridge in Ontario (lots of qualifiers in that sentence...heh), which felt kind of ordinary, actually, but the view was great. Then a bit of a hike led to a series of caverns, caves, and viewpoints. The highlight is definitely a cave called "fat man's misery," so called because one part of the cave was only 36 centimetres wide! I didn't manage to go through, but my dad and mesister did, and so did quite a few "large" people...so I guess I should have be able to done that... Took off to Wasaga Beach next, and it was beautiful. They had fun with the water, and I had fun taking pictures of them having fun with the water and sand. This was only a short stop (about half an hour) (so many people there...). We took off in the direction of Huntsville, our place to stay for 3 nights. 26-->92-->12-->11 (not as many turns as yesterday, heh). But first, not long after we left Wasaga Beach, mesister wanted to go to the washroom again, and we were essentially in the middle of nowhere... She was desperate, and spotted an arrow that says "Eady Community Hall," and we made an abrupt turn to it. Travelled on the dirt road bumbling around for quite a while, and behold, there was the hall, and it was actually open! That was an interesting detour. Continuing with the journey, we stopped at the next big city called Orillia, where we bought some "interesting" things at Wal-Mart. The rest of the road trip was on the big highway 11 instead of all the country roads, and we arrived at the hotel at about 6:30pm. Not as big as the condo (which was expected), but still quite nice. We went to Kelsey's for dinner, also very nice, and this would mark the first time that I went to Kelsey's...heh, and it was in Huntsville, Ontario...who knew? Another visit to a nearby Wal-Mart, and that ends the day.

Random notes...(is this going to be a regular feature now?)

• Woohoo! Internet access! Too bad it's mostly taken away by mesister so that she can talk to her honey...
• I found out that almost all of the pictures taken with my camera had this grey blob in the middle of it...and I was a bit heart broken about that... I didn't notice it before, and the pictures look great...but now that I know about this imperfection, I cannot take my eyes off of it...some life lesson could be derived from this, eh? Heh...
• I'm glad that I'm in generally a good mood today, makes the trip that much nicer.
• We all liked this semi-spontaneous travel much better than following in a tour group...I guess it's the sense of freedom that is attracting us here, and the fact that we are going through these rural towns instead of the big cities...
• Funny how the view from our room in the hotel is...another hotel!
• I was quite energetic in all the driving, but once we arrived at our hotel, I started to have this headache, and felt a bit numb and dizzy. Must have been the adrenaline thingie? Or maybe it's high blood pressure? Don't know...
• I guess the thing with my family is, when I'm with them physically, it's not too bad, and sometimes get along just fine. But when I don't see them, it feels very annoying... I'm sort of reminded of this saying, "it's not about quality versus quantity, it's quantity building quality..."

I'm grateful to God for...

• being such a beautiful creator of an incredible variety of natural features;
• for putting me in a generally well mood today to enjoy the journey;
• giving me enough energy to drive, protecting us from harm;
• providing a way to the washroom for mesister just in time (heh); and
• giving me just enough strength to carry on and enjoy this trip, and not get tired so quickly.

Family Trip: Day 2

We logged 5 cities and 207.3 kilometres in this day's journey. Started in the morning with a surprise toast and egg breakfast from dad. Went to cfc service, which was ok, they liked it. Then we had a depressing visit to Mooregate...yeah, they decided to take the one-year lease for this Kitchener apartment, and I was not happy. I got so tired of it that I walked out of the rental office...and they didn't sign it, which is a good thing. Picked up some lunch at Zehrs (very awkward) and went to the kwcac service, where almost everyone fell asleep... Met some people, came home, and then we were off! But first...a stop in Elmira to get more food at McD's...sigh...not a good start, eh? We took many turns...85-->17-->6-->14-->4-->13 to Eugenia Falls and Lake. There's a lot more water running in the falls this time, and the high drop looks fantastic. For some odd reason, my dad decided to go barefeet on the rugged terrain along the edge of the cliff...heh. 13-->4-->124 to Collingwood and the Blue Mountain Resort. At the resort, we went around and around in circles in search of check in, but eventually got it, and arrived at this marvelous two-story condo for the night. Beautiful place. Went to the village in search of dinner, and we eventually found a high-class one, which cost a lot, but at least it was good. We were all dead tired when we got home, and that was the end of the day.

Random notes...

• Am I really that unconvincing in conveying my opinions?
• We have 3 machines here...my camera, mesister's camera, and my dad's camcorder. So it takes a long time to get to or get out of anywhere...especially with my dad...heh.
• The weather was cloudy at first, with occassional light rain, but gradually became sunny and nice. And the temperature was cool and comfortable. Perfect weather for traveling lo...
• Lots of bugs and (gasp!) butterflies made their final resting place my car's windshield...so sad.
• The trip planning part was ok, had a bit of fun with that. But when I come face to face with realizing the place, there's suddenly a fear, like I'm scared about it...don't know why. I guess it always comes with the unknown...
• When introducing people to my family at church, we said, "this is Peter" and mom replied with something like, "that's not right"...yes, I can definitely see my mom and Leonard having very interesting conversations...
• I guess the main thing about disagreeing with the parents' idea of taking the apartment is that because of my mom's short 3-month stay, I'll be stuck with one year's worth of hassles... Is that a good enough reason?

I'm grateful to God for...

• the wonderful nature that we've experienced along the country roads, Eugenia falls and lake, and Blue Mountains;
• lifting my spirits after the journey began so that I can be comfortable with my family;
• the really nice weather for the trip today;
• protecting us in all the driving and walking; and
• not letting the parents take the apartment...

Family Trip: Day 1

We logged 5 cities and 342.5 kilometres on day 1. First, getting David to the airport, and then I run around the airport in two terminals to pick up my family. The new train thing is really cool! Instead of staying in Toronto, we came back to Waterloo immediately. All of us were tired. I had only four hours of sleep, and they had very little sleep on the plane. We tried to find a place for mom, and I just hate that. It's just...a big unnecessary burden for me to bear...anyway, looked at the Kitchener place, went to two places near the university but didn't get in... In between, we went to Stratford, and had a long walk. And of all the places that we could have lunch in Stratford, they picked a Chinese Canadian restaurant...sigh...so "uniquely Stratfordian"... Came back home for a short but intense nap, then the dinner at Ben Thanh. All I can say about the dinner is, I absolutely hate how they handled the money issue, so much so that I really don't want to go out for a meal with them again. Anyway, left for a night trip to St. Jacob's afterwards, and it was sort of nice. Came home, found a leaky toilet, and that ends the day.

Random notes: for some reason, I dreamed about Leonard last night...it's very very weird; I was in a foul mood pretty much all day long...not sure if it's because I was tired or I still find my family annoying...the mood was slightly lifted after the nap, but plunged during the dinner; why is the previously delightful town of Stratford all of a sudden felt...dull?; for no reason, my parents gave me an iPod nano...it's just weird; right now, I feel very unsettled...the finding a place for mom thing is just blowing me away...and I feel like the upcoming trip requires more preparation...; my body felt worse, actually; I'm behaving very badly right now, not wanting to say anything or explain anything to my family...; plan for day 2: attend church services, then off to Blue Mountains in Collingwood...I probably won't have access to internet on the road, which may be a good thing.

I'm grateful to God for...

• His protection in all the driving today, especially when I was extremely sleepy;
• the safe arrival of my family here;
• keep reminding me about being thankful in all circumstances, which had been difficult;
• the extent that Aaron is willing to help out in finding a place for mom; and
• the wonderful nap in the afternoon...which was difficult to get out of...

Morning lazyness and sleep. Afternoon scramble with Aaron who had to get his car fixed, and it was no simple matter as it's going to cost him about $900...yikes. Rushed laundry, then a huge dinner with David, and moving David's stuffs to my place. He got too few things...which is kind of nice, actually. In a few hours, the madness begins...

Random notes: The weather's been kind of cool and nice, actually, with occasional showers...very comfortable to be outside; all the stuffs happening around me made me slack off on the spiritual pursuits...not good; I feel both sort of excited and uneasy about the coming of my family...I can only pray and have faith to know that it's all good; gas prices: 95.3, which is pretty nice, relative to recent times; sigh...I guess I don't want to be reminded that I've lost the most weight while I was hitting the heavybag regularly...

I'm grateful to God for...

• being able to help Aaron when he needed;
• the time of dinner and moving with David;
• bringing me back to Him as I'm faced with this family trip challenge;
• the return of the release of sexual tension last night; and
• giving me such a good roommate for the past two years.

Thursday: Mostly eventless for morning and afternoon, except for the morning run and the pizza buffet lunch with Chen Jie and Li Zhen, which was nice, but also made me gained a lot more weight... I slept for most of the day, because I was just too tired. Finally got the will and energy to go and complete the migration for the kwcacmyf site. A bit tedious, because I needed to restructure some of the basics, but got it done, so that's good. Again, should have done it a long time ago, but didn't do it until now, one week before the deadline. After that's done, got another call, and Aaron was stuck again. I don't understand why he had to drive his car unnecessarily before sending it to the shop, really...but I had to help, so there it was. I wanted to say to him, be smarter, stop sulking and take some responsibility for once...but didn't. Sigh...I don't know why I'm still having trouble speaking my mind...

Random notes: meanwhile, my mom and my sister are happily throwing away my things left in Vancouver, things that are of mostly sentimental value...man, I really hate this, but what can I do? This should end up being a test of my heavenly view of life rather than the earthly view...; all this website modification is inspiring me to do a complete makeover of the myf site...but...that's going to be hard to get myself motivated to do that...; in a related note, today all of a sudden I have these ideas about what we can do in myf and stuff, but...I don't know what to do with them...; family arrives in less than 30 hours; is it possible that my mom can squeeze into a 2-bedroom apartment with Aaron and Grace? hmm...

I'm grateful to God for...

• leading us through and providing miracles every step of the way in the car issues yesterday;
• giving me enough patience to deal with these tough situations and not be complaining at all;
• a good migration of the myf website;
• a good time of lunch with Chen Jie and Li Zhen; and
• this new appreciation and insight on the amazing truth that He is ever present, alpha and omega, a God who has always existed, a God whom I cannot make up.

Wednesday morning: All of sudden, just like that, totally unexpected, that was probably the last time I get to see my roommate Alan. I've been blessed with such a good roommate for the past two years.

Wednesday afternoon: 262.5 kilometres, 3 cities, 11 hours. What was supposed to be a simple go-to-the-airport-and-back task ended up being a wild adventure (of a lifetime, hopefully, since I don't think I want to experience it again...heh). Picked up Aaron at the airport, came back, got a detour, went to Timmies, Costco, then Aaron's home. That's the normal part. Then we went to WCRI for Aaron to pick up his car, which has been idle for four months! (Note to self: never do this!) I left once he got his car and went home. Not long afterwards, I got a call from Aaron saying that his car broke down... So I went and thankfully he had jumper cables. But neither of us really know how to use it...I've only seen something about it on Canada's Worst Drivers...heh (loved that show)...so I could only go with that. Tried a few times, and when his car finally started, we rushed to let him go and drive home. Once he left, I drove towards his house, just in case his car broke down again. I didn't see any sign of him, but when I got to his place, nobody answered, so that's kind of weird, but I went home anyway. (hmm...need a new paragraph to complete the story, I think...)

I went home, and got a call from Aaron again, and he has broke down several times already, getting help from nearby homes, but now he's just stuck in the middle of a small road... I read instructions from the internet on how to use jumper cables properly, and then I was off again. This time, first pushing the car to the side of the road (I never knew a car can really be pushed...heh), then charging the battery a lot longer (hence wasted a lot more gas and polluted the environment quite a bit). Long and behold, it didn't work... He then decided to take the battery out (took a while, but thankfully he just happens to have tools in his car), and we went to Canadian Tire to charge it up. When we got there, it was 8:45, the store closes at 9, so we kind of got in there just in time. We even stayed for a while after the store closed... Once the charge was done, came back to his car, and barely made it to his place, with all sorts of things wrong with the car... Anyway, that's the adventure, and hopefully a "unique" experience... We managed to scrape up some cookware and cooked up a small dinner, and that was it for the day. It was a long day, but it was quite interesting.

Random notes: It's kind of sad that I didn't even realize that I was depressed, since being in a state of depression was kind of the normal state for me...oh well, need to turn this around...; for the scripture reading for today, I thought I would think about the familiar phrase "the joy of the Lord is my strength"...I was kind of surprised to find this to originate in Nehemiah...need to think more about this, though; I'm supposed to do research, but really, what was I thinking?; good to finally have a casual conversation with Samuel, which I enjoyed; there're all sorts of things wrong with my body right now, not sure what's going on here...; I fell asleep in my morning prayer...it was kind of sad, reminded me a lot about Peter...; there's now an additional conundrum in that my mom really wants to get a one-year lease on an apartment that Ginger lives in...but really, I don't want to deal with all the hassles that comes with this...; maybe it would be easier to read if I put random notes in point form...hmm...

On physical exercise...well, the one sport that I like to do, God doesn't want me to do it (even though I still really want to...). I don't like any other sports, so I can only resort to running around. But really, I hate running, so I kind of stopped for a couple of weeks now, and gained back some of the weight lost this year. Alright, I know that I need to exercise, and in fact I have so much aggressive energy inside to burn off...but somehow I just don't know what to do...

I'm grateful to God for...

• a slightly more cheerful outlook for myself;
• keeping me emotionally calm for most of the day;
• the mystery and the possible reality that is of "the joy of the Lord is my strength"...;
• laying more burdens on me to come back to serve him in the fellowships; and
• a number of interesting msn conversations today...

A string of small things were done today, surprisingly enough, so it wasn't totally wasted...heh. The morning prayer was tough, unable to focus at all. A call from mom was so long, but drove me to tears again when she mentioned my life history and emotional attachments... Studied the Bible, which I haven't really done in a long time...even though it was just one verse, it was good enough. Lunch. Sleep. Finally sent out this VISA statement screw up report thingie, which I really should have done a long time ago. Something else I should have done a long time ago: redeeming my GIC...took me more than half a year to finally make the call, but when I made the call, it was so easy...I really don't know why I was so very afraid to do these little things...yikes. Evening clean up of recycles in my room. Treasure Hunters finale was good. Aaron screwed up on telling me when to pick him up, but good thing he did make the last minute correction...

Random notes: I think I saw Billy yesterday at church, but I wasn't absolutely sure...; I really should make a resolve not to pick up the phone when I'm watching must-see television, especially during the climax of a season finale...; I make a habit of writing down notes during my Bible studies, and I thought of posting them and perhaps get some feedback...but then if I do that, maybe I'll distract myself when writing the notes down, in particular, not write anything personal in there...so, not now, I guess...; it does feel a bit nice to do something, even if they're tiny trivial things...; I don't know why I keep my "negativity persona"...even when things are good, I don't like it and think that things are bad anyway...part of it may stem from the fact that whenever someone asks "how are you?" I really hate the standard "good" "fine" answers, so I tend to answer the other way around...and of course, I don't like dishonest answers...

I'm grateful to God for...

• the time of devotion this morning, asking me to simply arise and follow Him...;
• getting these little banking and other things done;
• how my mom understands part of the things that I've been going through;
• the tiny little bit of joy that He gave me; and
• keeping me away from temptatious situations today.

Hmm...did I just waste another day? I hate my constant "I'll do this tomorrow" thoughts, but I can't seem to do anything about it... I should just be honest about it...I'm lazy, a sloth, a bum. I give up on things too easily, and I would postpone doing things when I see how difficult they are going to be...but really, I do that even for the simplist things, so it's just me being lazy. In a sort of related note, sometimes I wish I could just go away for a few days and to seriously think about things without all these distractions, but I'm too lazy to do that, too...

So the sermon today was on negativity...which supposedly is an applicable topic for me, being Mr. Negativity and stuff...but I'm not sure I got anything out of it...and there goes my negativity again.

I'm grateful to God for...

• seeing how enthusiastic the vbs kids are about Jesus, and finding myself ashamed to be so lukewarm;
• restricting and diverting my bad thoughts on Francis as they are sneaking into me;
• this thirst for God's words, this unsatisfiable desire...;
• being able to get hold of Aaron for info; and
• calming me down during many panic outbursts that I had recently.

Am I dead? Certainly I felt like it...spiritually, physically, academically...at least I don't think I'm trying to live...really live...

Only a week left before the family arrives...I'm still not sure that I can handle it...getting better, I guess.

I'm grateful to God for...

• the good time of meal and fellowship with brothers and sisters tonight;
• constantly nagging me to come back to Him, for real;
• the cool and comfortable weather today;
• waking me up from my afternoon nap just in time for the fellowship; and
• keeping life interesting and gradually turning my heart around to accept His ways...

I cried a lot these two days. First, I cried over my sins and my tumbling spiritual conditions. Then, I cried over the incredible salvation of my aunt's mother, who is about to pass away. And, I cried when I read the email sent by my dad a few days ago... Finally, I cried when my mom reminded me of how many of my good friends just come and go during my times in Waterloo...it's just too painful to think about it...sigh...

Meaningless notes: I visited a couple of Christian bookstores today, buying absolutely nothing, which is kind of disappointing; I hate the way I'm wasting time, living with no motivations nor directions; I finally picked up the phone and changed the credit card that my car insurance is billed to...such a simple task, yet it took so long, since I really hate to call strangers; I tried to get the brothers together for some activities this evening, with no luck; family arrives on the 26th, two of them leaving on the 1st, the other leaving in November; how can I serve God when Christ isn't even remotely at the centre of my life?; finished 3 out of 130 sermons on the book of Hebrews now...boy it is difficult stuff.

I'm grateful to God for...

• the salvation of my aunt's mother, touching the hearts of many;
• softening my heart towards my family, even just a little bit;
• reducing my violent impulses greatly today;
• giving me enough courage to make the silly insurance phone call; and
• loving me, even now.

Sinful flesh.

Tormented soul.

Hopeless spirit.

I'm filled with anger. And sadness. It's strange. The more I think, the worse I get. Yet there are so many things that demand my thoughts and prayers. But it's so overwhelming that I just don't want to think at all. I hope and pray dearly that I don't kill anyone...

A few verses...

"So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God." -- James 1:19-20

"do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil." -- Ephesians 4:26-27

"So the LORD said to Cain, 'Why are you angry? And why has your countenance fallen? If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin lies at the door. And its desire is for you, but you should rule over it.'" -- Genesis 4:6-7

I'm grateful to God for...

• His protection in this day of short travels;
• the impromptu lunch with Chen Jie;
• the conversation with Samuel that shed some light on things;
• stopping me from wasting money on useless stuffs; and
• keeping my emotions in check and calming me down a little.

Yesterday, kind of a strangely good day, I guess? (Still trying to put on the negativity, am I not?) Supervisor meeting was good, because I actually did something for once. I was going to put off the project marking for another day, but an urgent email from Jochen forced me to do that immediately, giving off a lot of random (good) marks... The evening was spent cooking a semi-big meal, and then planning this family trip thingie, which is kind of a headache...

I find myself to have very little discipline. Physical discipline: well, I sort of gave up on exercising... Work discipline: still working almost exclusively on the day before supervisor meeting. Spiritual discipline: even something as simple as praying and reading the Bible became incredibly hard.

I'm grateful to God for...

• the slight progress in research and the supervisor meeting;
• everything He forced me to go through in order to grow and move ahead in this path towards holiness;
• the reduced academic stress now;
• revealing some of the mind-blowing implications of Jesus being God and His words being Spirit...still hard to comprehend this; and
• the comfortable weather outside.

It's just a strange day. Started with another morning of struggling to get myself to do things, but instead, ate and went to sleep for the most part (also downloaded VB2005 express for no good reason). Finally dragged myself to the office in the rainy afternoon, only to do nothing at the office. Came back for more sleep and eat and Treasure Hunting, then finally, at long last, did some research work.

I have to say, the day got to a point where I just felt incredibly frustrated and violent... There was this strange desire to throw almost everything against the wall and bang everything as hard as possible...sort of a flashback to how my cousin Solomon used to be... I think I was just very frustrated with everything...the inability to pray, the heavy resistance to reading the Bible, the never ending temptations, the lack of motivation to do any research and marking, the impending visit of my family and my continued annoyance with them, the lack of physical exercise, the millions of tiny little things that I need to do... I just want to escape from life... "Be still, and know that I am God..." -- Psalm 46:10

I'm grateful to God for...

• the Mideast ceasefire;
• softening the day with Tony's visit to my office;
• giving me enough strength to do some research;
• being such a mysterious God, so uncomprehensible, yet requiring a simple faith like a child; and
• the interesting timing between David's departure and my family's arrival...

6 hours, 2 cities, 179.8 kilometres. Yes, went to find Wayne again this evening, this time bringing David Lee with me, and CK came as well. It was a great time, first a dinner at Swiss Chalet where we sort of sat there for about an hour after we finished eating...heh...and then spent some time at Wayne's place and his super comfortable bed. Good to know CK better now, and he's quite "interesting" to talk to... It's kind of sad that I won't see Wayne for a while now...anyway. There was the horrific traffic jam in Milton on the way there, that's pretty much the only down side (and by the way, what is it with me and traffic jams? 4 legs of travel, 3 with extreme jamming...).

Congratulations, Jackson and Rebecca!

I'm grateful to God for...

• the wonderful time spent with Wayne, David and CK, and His protection during this brief journey;
• another two challenging (and confusing) sermons on guilt and worry;
• making me realize that I need to understand, experience, and embrace His love and grace at a much deeper level;
• such a heartwarming news from Jackson; and
• testing my patience at a new level of difficulty.

What a contrast to yesterday...stayed at home for most of the day, sleeping, eating, puzzling, and falling into sin...yeah, I saw that coming from miles away, yet I couldn't resist the temptations. I failed, again. Sigh...

I have too many books on my reading list now...

I'm grateful to God for...

• making me realize once again my total weakness and my desperate need to rely on Him;
• pulling me back to Him amidst this sin-filled life;
• a second chance to meet Wayne;
• realizing the enormous depth and value of His word; and
• reminding me to truly be grateful to Him for everything.

8 hours, 4 cities, 269.5 kilometres. That was yesterday's trip to the Toronto area. First, a drive to Mississauga to find Wayne. The 401 got quite congested in Mississauga, so I took a detour... Once with Wayne, we had a good time with lunch at a seafood restaurant, and after chatting more at his place, I went off to get groceries at around 1.5pm. First to T&T, then to a dumpling place (where I miraculously actually remember where it is, despite only been there once early this year while it's closed), then off to home. Boy, the drive home was just torturous. Traffic was jammed almost from beginning to end. I've never seen jamming beyond Toronto like that. I initially refused to turn on the air con, but after an hour or so, I just couldn't take it and turned it on. Plus the sun shining down on me, I had a hard time trying to hide my forearm from the sun, and ended up getting sun burns... All in all, that drive home (plus a stop at the service station for a sundae...heh) took 2.5 hours...when normally it would take no more than 90 minutes...yikes. That was hard. And then immediately I'm whisked away (by myself) to the fellowship, and we sat for close to three hours, then refreshment for an hour, and I was just dead tired... Plus, somehow my body was releasing a lot of gas not through my mouth or nose..........so it was weird. Anyway, that was an exhausting day.

I am ashamed that I didn't come away from the summer camp with more...it seems like everyone else got a lot out of it, and they can share so much of it. And I...just can't. All I can think about is how everything went crazy immediately after the summer camp ended, and I didn't have time to process what's been happening in the camp. So...yeah. And even though serving is the theme of the camp and I have a lot of struggles with the problem of serving as well, I'm still as confused as ever, and I'm not even sure I have the heart to deal with this...

I'm grateful to God for...

• protecting me in this safe trip to Toronto, saving me from a couple of close calls;
• the fellowship with Wayne;
• testing my patience once again to a new limit;
• keeping me up through the fellowship, even though I was so tired; and
• challenging me to trust Him in believing His perfect timing.

The plan for yesterday: 2 emails, 3 blog posts, 4 projects. Things done for yesterday: 1 email. Granted, it was a good email, took a long and difficult time to compose, and I felt a peculiar sense of relief after sending it. But still, I haven't even come close to achieving my plans...which is kind of sad. The evening proctoring and marking were fun, though... In proctoring, I got the weirdest request ever: a student asked if I have a pencil lead to spare...and it just happens that I put two of them in my pencil just the afternoon, so incredibly, I was actually able to help. The marking went from 10.5pm to 1.5am, by which time I was just totally exhausted. We had a ton of laughs at the marking, though... Unfortunately, we mostly laugh at the students' ineptitudes... The average turned out to be 64, far lower than most of our predictions, although surprisingly close to Omran's. And that's the day. By the way, is it sad that throughout the day, the children's song performed at the summer camp kept running in my head? "Choose today: will you listen and obey?"

The epiphany I got today is that when I "follow Jesus," I don't do it with a gladness of the heart. I do it because it's the right thing to do, but my heart just wasn't right. It's like when they sing "willingly we follow," this following phrase comes closer to the truth: "grudgingly I follow..."

I'm grateful to God for...

• the amazing coincidence with the pencil lead thing, one little thing that astounds me;
• the sermons on Hebrews by Pastor Tong, which are mindblowing;
• the relief I felt in sending an email to Samuel;
• revealing to me the sad condition of my heart; and
• completing the marking of the final exam last night, so that I get a chance to visit Wayne today.

I was planning to just clean my room the whole day, but...well...with me, usually things don't go well with my plans. I did clean up my desk a little, but that's about it. Got called out to lunch with Chen Jie, later came to my place for Scrabble, foosball and table tennis. I find it so hard to talk about serious stuffs with guys... Slept for a short while only to be woken up by an annoying credit card telemarketer. The evening was wasted, basically.

My stack of reading materials is getting higher and higher... Found a series of 130 sermons on the book of Hebrews on the net today, and that added to the reading list... Sigh...I just hope and pray that these readings will actually make a difference in my life, God willing.

I'm grateful to God for...

• teaching me the balance between theology and compassion, and having a right heart;
• this time spent connecting with Chen Jie;
• Samuel's email, giving me a slight ray of hope;
• a slightly cleaner environment in my room; and
• keeping temptations away from me today.

Pretty much spent the day preparing for two weeks' worth of supervisor meeting...it was ok, I guess. I didn't do much, as usual, which isn't good. But somehow I get away every time...God is too graceful to me. After the meeting, there was a sudden sense of lost, like if I don't know what to do now. Ended up going home and sleep and stuff. Aside: Yesterday, I had this urge to just throw the phone against the wall... Also, Treasure Hunters is just good to watch...

I really want to spend some time thinking over the messages that I heard during the summer camp, but somehow I'm kind of reluctant to do that. For one, so many distractions around. But really, I'm afraid to take a step up in knowing and following and serving Jesus...I want to, but...

I'm grateful to God for...

• restoring (at least for today) morning devotional time;
• leading me through the work today and rescueing once again from a possibly horrifying supervisor meeting;
• receiving feedbacks from Francis on a lot of things, and giving me a chance to share my burdens;
• listening to me even as I complain to Him over and over again; and
• making me ashamed of my total disregard for my family...

Brock, Day 3 and back to Waterloo...

57 hours, 3 cities, 336.8 kilometres complete this summer camp. Day 3 started with waking up at 4am and a walk around the Brock campus (which is pretty small). Went to sleep a bit (with vivid dreams, no less), breakfast at McD's again, another hard-hitting sermon and after some strange things and lunch, we were done for the camp. Peter followed me all the way on the drive back, which showed pretty good self control...heh.

Came home, really tired, and went to sleep. Amidst the nice relaxing sleep I was having, my mom called and dropped a bomb...apparently she wants to come here to live for three months, and she's not kidding. That just ruined any sense of serenity that had built up over the last three days...man. I'm still calm and trying not to think about it too much...I still have supervisor meeting to deal with tomorrow, which I still haven't done anything yet...yikes. God keeps life interesting, isn't it? Just when I thought I could spend some time to think about things, He hits me with all these things...sigh...

I'm grateful to God for...

• the challenging sermons at the summer camp, asking me to go deeper with Him and follow Him;
• building of friendships among the brothers at the camp;
• His protection in our activities and travels;
• providing a free dryer in the laundry room amidst the busy laundry evening; and
• not being a soft God, a God to whom I cannot bargain with.

Brock, Day 2

(Placeholder for a recap of day 2 of the summer camp...)

Brock, Day 1

(Placeholder for recap of day 1 of the summer camp...)

Second day here at Brock, typing again on Ed's Blackberry, whizh is
kind od fun. Skipped to a tiring trip to Niagara Falls this
afternoon, to show Peter this wonder that has certainly lost its lure
for the veterans like me... Anyway, more after I come back tomorrow.

Greetings from St. Catharines

So, here I am in Brock University typing away on Ed's Blackberry. It
was a marvelous day, but typing here is a bit slow, so I'll update
this thingie later when I get home.

Lord, I can't stop my addictions to puzzles and violence. I've wasted the day to them, and I felt so empty and depressed. Please help me Lord.

I insisted on driving to the summer camp tomorrow (don't know why), and was very picky on who I want to carry as passengers. I felt very selfish, and sad. It's not a good day.

I'm grateful to God for...

• the opportunity this weekend to break away from my "normal" life;
• making me realize how selfish I am in everything;
• pulling me out of TA for 350 this term, which must have reduced the workload by a lot;
• the time of exercise this morning that pulled me away from continuing in the temptations; and
• creating an awe in me on the possibility of such an unimaginable close relationship with Him.

Went to school to take over Omran's office hours...it was interesting, and I mostly talked to Nathan, which was quite enjoyable. Late lunch with Tony was quite enjoyable as well, where Tony once again asked me to calculate the average monthly cost of having a car...heh...and apparently he's going for it... Came home to find the Grosskurths in the house cleaning and stuff for Alan's inspection test tomorrow...so now the house is so clean that it's unrecognizable...maybe I should clean my room as well... And there goes the day of no work done.

Random notes: My eyes get sore really quickly these days...I'm guessing it's something to do with the glasses; I find myself to be in a bit of spiritual lazyness...; the rain continued on and off through the day, and certainly made it a lot cooler...nice; I think I really got Chen Jie hooked on puzzles...heh; I discovered this "internet scrabble club" thingie...hopefully I won't be addicted, because quite frankly, after playing two games, I suck; a note about gas prices yesterday...at noon, it was around 103...a few hours later, it jumped to 114...what is up with that?

I'm grateful to God for...

• the cooler weather that comforts;
• opening my eyes to a lot of interesting ideas in my readings today;
• wonderful times spent with Nathan and Tony;
• giving me peace in my heart; and
• continuing to pull me back to His presence, despite all my attempts to run away.

That was a full and incredibly hot day...33 degrees, 46 humidex. Morning meeting with Jim was kind of scary...I really still have no clue what's going on with the project... Then I accidentally stumbled into Berkant's second stage thingie. Went home and picked up a package from amazon, which was nice. Just when I got home, received a call from Chen Jie, and we went out for a Chinese buffet lunch. Came back to the office for my office hours while he worked on a cross sum puzzle...heh. Li Zhen came by as well... After office hours, went to National Sports and stuff, then dinner with Ed and Ingrid, then visited Ed's new place, which was small but kind of nice. We played darts, and then we were home. I didn't have any afternoon nap, so that was quite a tiring day for me. In the evening, there was this fantastic thunderstorm that I was hoping for...so now it's supposed to be a bit cooler.

Books on my current reading list (in alphabetical order by the authors' last names)...

• Your God is Too Safe by Mark Buchanan
• Wild at Heart by John Eldredge
• Prayer by Ole Hallesby
• Abide in Christ by Andrew Murray
• Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places by Eugene Peterson
• The Soul of Boxing by Phil Shirley

I'm grateful to God for...

• leading me through the morning meeting with Jim, thus concluding the course;
• a wonderful time of hanging out with friends for most of the afternoon and evening;
• the upcoming summer camp;
• keeping me sane amidst insane times; and
• helping me survive in the hot weather.

Stayed at home for most of the day, for the temperature outside was simply too hot...34 degrees, 44 humidex... Even the overnight low of 26 is higher than the regional normal... Anyway, when I'm at home, I started to waste time, of course. I was struggling to pray, several times falling asleep while praying. I wanted to read the Bible, but somehow had a hard time getting it opened. It's this constant struggling that kept me away from doing any real things...hence almost the entire day, wasted. Meanwhile, I've already had two nightmares regarding the meeting with Jim later today...yikes.

In the evening, however, I went to the fifth floor patio, sat down at a picnic table and started singing worship songs to God. Even though it was still hot and humid, I got used to it pretty quickly. I started to imagine the wind that blows around as God's comfort to me in the heat, and the trees waving around as dancing for God. It was a wonderful time.

I'm grateful to God for...

• testing my patience, and this time it appears that I passed the test;
• Francis' email;
• wonderful time of evening worship alone;
• healing my body; and
• a day of some relaxation and rest.