It was an exhausting day. The project occupied my mind for all of the morning and a little of the afternoon. There were some details that I still couldn't figure out until the early afternoon, which is somewhat miraculous considering that I've been thinking about them for so long (well, not that long). I typed, I drew ugly diagrams, I made a return trip home, and I handed in at about 2pm. It was extremely hot outside, hitting 32 degrees with humidex 44 (and it's supposed to get hotter tomorrow!). That added to the exhaustion. Plus the hunger. I don't know what to eat with this sick body of mine. So yeah, pretty much collapsed when I got home. After some sleep, tried to do something useful, but didn't, of course. And suddenly I just felt extremely sad. I really don't know what got to me. It's just very weird. I get this sense of lost, like nothing is making sense. I think that's another call to return to God, isn't it?

Random notes: I'm still addicted to puzzles, even though I don't really enjoy them that much...; family called like three or four times today, finally deciding that they would visit me late August, if there are plane tickets remaining...; hmm...Samuel with spiky hair? That's kind of hard to imagine...; the question of returning to serving came up recently, and I'm just totally confused, also having trouble praying about it...; is the island of Newfoundland really that large? 886km from one end to the other end...yikes; I'm just tired; I hate matroids.

I'm grateful to God for...

• leading me through the completion of the project, giving me extra grace despite my constant procrastination;
• giving me physical rest after this incredibly exhausting day;
• continuing to challenge me in how to treat my relationship with Him, thinking the delicate balance that is needed in every aspect, just like how His creation is just balanced for life;
• urging me and pushing me forward on this pathway towards holiness; and
• everything.

I just can't say enough about cfc sermons, eh? This time, it's on temptations and lust, and I feel that this is a powerful summary and reminder of the lessons that I've learned throughout this year. Yes, I've been failing again recently on this front, but that doesn't have to continue forever. I need more faith and strength from the Lord, who is good.

The second service was kind of bizarre... Later went out for "light" but expensive lunch...couldn't each much of the oily and cheap stuff when the body is still feeling queasy. Sleep in the afternoon... And hence, delaying the project until the very last minute...again. Here I am in the office trying desperately to find shortcuts to writing up the project, so late at night. But at least I know this is better than working at home, where there are so many distractions around. I'll be going home after one more block of work, though...it's too late and I'm already sleepy... Sigh...why do I keep on doing this?

I'm grateful to God for...

• preparing me all year long for the cfc sermon today, and reminding me that He is still with me, and wants me to be holy;
• reducing my physical pain again;
• keeping me going in working for the project;
• relieving sexual tensions in sleep this morning, and giving me more resistance to temptations today;
• shifting my focus towards the good things whenever bad, hateful, and guilty thoughts come into my mind.
  

Yesterday: Morning struggle to wake up. Afternoon struggle to understand the project paper, which was greatly helped by Irene. The pita lunch really screwed up my stomach, and the later Vietnamese dinner didn't help, either. I was in deep pain at the end of the day, and eventually had to throw up (hence the dinner was wasted). Boy, I haven't vomited in a long time now...at least I don't remember ever going through that since I came to Waterloo... The pain was excruciating, even though I knew that was just small compared to other kinds of physical pain. Sigh...looks like my tolerance for pain is so little...

Today: The deep sleep really helped relieve a bit of pain, but still I had some pain on the lower right side of the body when I move. Sent a couple of emails at 3am, which seems like a good time to send emails, apparently. I'm supposed to do project during the day, but the pain kept me away from it...although I have to wonder why it didn't keep me away from sleep and puzzles... Afternoon myf talked about temptations, and there's the sense that people keep talking about their own temptations without really saying what they're about...I really wanted to just come out and say, hey, mine's a sexual temptation, how about you? But yeah, didn't do that. Came home, just finished dinner (a day of malnutrition really isn't that good).

I'm grateful to God for...

• helping me understand the project paper better;
• making me realize my weakness in how little tolerance I have for pain, and perhaps finally understand a little what some other people are going through;
• greatly reduced the pain that I was experiencing overnight;
• giving me courage to share my doubts on serving with Laura, my observations on mccf with Jeff, and my experience with temptations with myf; and
• being so faithful, lifting me up when I fell down over and over again.

I'm very disappointed and very confused about myself and what I'm doing. Wasted most of the day to sleeping, puzzling, interneting, televisioning, and very little reading. I hate the paper that I'm reading for my project, so I keep delaying it further and further. I have a lot of trouble understanding the scripture I'm reading, so I keep delaying it further and further. I have great difficulty in cutting myself off from my obsessions and truly follow Jesus, so I keep delaying it further and further. I just don't know what's going on.

I'm re-reading the book Your God is Too Safe by Mark Buchanan these days. The last time I read it was more than two years ago, and boy I really don't remember much from back then. This time, it hits very hard, and it's going to take some time to adjust my life to this God who is not safe, but boy is He good.

I'm grateful to God for...

• revealing to me that I should be in fear of Him, but not afraid of Him;
• some progress towards a possible new resolve to follow Him;
• astounding me in seeing what my body is able to do in the long run this morning;
• once again pulling me back as I rebelliously attempt to create temptations for myself; and
• stopping me from spending a ton of money on things that I will definitely regret buying.

Woke up at 3 this morning, dragged myself to go out for a run, and this time, I went for a longer run. The route: up Westmount, turn right at Columbia, turn at railroad, turn at University, and finally turn back to Westmount for the uphill finish. It took around 35.5 minutes, and boy, I never knew that I could run (slowly) for that long... That was hard.

Forgot to mention one thing from yesterday...I have to say that I was genuinely surprised with Francis' positive response to my devotional partnership proposal. I just thank God that there seems to be this gradual change in him. Also, I'm beating myself for not being patient enough...each time I gave up on Francis, he responds right after...so I should have kept my hopes up for a bit longer...

Just talked to Tony briefly on msn...and turns out that he's in Vancouver...and turns out that he's at the airport ready to head to Taiwan! So interesting to talk to someone at the airport...this is not the first time, though...kcs did it first in Singapore.

I'm supposed to be focused on my project, and yet I couldn't stop searching for information on the internet which I'm not supposed to have searched for. I just can't stop the obsession. It's very frustrating.

Yup, I keep wasting time...

I'm grateful to God for....

• the slow but noticeable transformations in Francis;
• carrying me through office hour today;
• keeping me very much desired to know Him more and more, and be closer to Him;
• keeping me calm throughout the day; and
• the lesson on patience that I'm learning.

I fell asleep during my morning prayer, only to wake up 15 minutes before class time. Last matroid class, finished one hour early, meaning one more hour of research time for me, during which I had no progress whatsoever. I just had to wing it for the supervisor meeting, and that was ok, but still embarrassing, I think. Interesting how Carlos saw me right before and right after the meeting, and he saw a big change in my face, from a worrying one to a happy one...I never knew that I express my emotions so clearly... After meeting, talked with Carlos, then Graeme and Mike, then a dinner with Tony and Carlos (it's a day of Carlos, apparently). Went home and wasted time. I still can't believe I waste so much time...

What is the lesson that God is asking me to learn here? I believe that I have obeyed the Holy Spirit in asking Francis for a devotional partnership via an email Sunday evening, yet I have not received any response so far... There's this sense that I followed God's command yet it doesn't seem to yield anything, which is kind of confusing for me. Also there's this sense that I really want to care for Francis, yet he seems to be refusing any such care... I don't know, I think too much, as always.

I'm grateful to God for...

• waking me up just in time to rush to class;
• leading me through another supervisor meeting, despite a lack of preparation;
• continuing to teach me the lesson on patience and judging;
• the merciful end to the matroid classes; and
• letting me connect with Aaron.

Morning run, eat, and sleep. Afternoon went to the office to do research, but couldn't do it. I had no idea how to continue on with this, losing interest in it already. The Bible study was kind of ok, I guess...it started late, so for no good reason, I drew a 9 by 28 grid on the board and started filling in numbers randomly... Lots of sharing in the study. The dinner afterwards I couldn't handle...the girls kept on talking about problems in the fellowship, but they just go at lightning speed, and I'm thinking, slow down!!! I wanted to say something, but decided against it, and came home to watch Treasure Hunters. Meanwhile, I sent Francis an email yesterday which only requires a quick yes/no/don't care answer...and yet he seems to act like if he never received it. Sigh...Lord, can I really give up on Francis now?

Right now I'm just having a breakdown. I keep thinking about all the things I missed in life, things that I really wanted to accomplish, yet couldn't because of bizarre circumstances. I keep regretting how I've lived, and what I've done or not done. And now I'm stuck at studying for this PhD thing which I don't care for anymore. I don't know how to move on from the past, even though this is precisely the lesson I learned in studying the Bible this morning. It's just...I don't know how to handle it. I just don't.

I'm grateful to God for...

• the sense of relief after the devotion today, reminding me once again the joy that comes from connecting with Him;
• giving me enough mental strength to decide for a run in the morning as a way out of temptations;
• providing me with enough courage to share my thoughts and experiences in the Bible study;
• rebuking me when I start judging inappropriately; and
• keep pulling me back to Him during these life storms.

Another whirlwind Sunday... For the two services, I cried during the music worship in both. Both sang "Faithful One," and I got all choked up over the words "You are my rock in times of trouble; You lift me up when I fall down." The cfc sermon on doubts is one that hit me hard once again, but God had prepared me for this all through this year, not only in the scriptures mentioned (one of which I coincidentally flipped through earlier in the morning when I couldn't sleep), but also through all the experiences that I've been through so far this year. It confirms some of what I learned, and I'm very grateful for it, and hope to continue to learn from these things. "Honest doubts are much better than dishonest faith." That is so true. Then the kwcac service, it was ok, but by the end of it, I was emotionally drained, but grew spiritually, I think (even if it's just a little bit). Afternoon spent wasting time, as always, and the evening prayer meeting was just great, with 5 guys here.

Alright, I've been slacking off on academics for a long time now. Need to pick it up soon...prepare for the sprint to the finish...for this term, at least.

I'm grateful to God for...

• preparing me for a long time to fully appreciate the sermon at cfc today;
• the wonderful prayer meeting;
• pulling me back to Him really hard;
• bringing me to the kwcac service despite my physical tiredness, and this led me to serve Him by providing the necessary rides home to several people; and
• being a God of mercy, a God of love, a God of righteousness, a God who wants my heart.

It's a depressing day of sin and a little bit of recovery. Unfortunately, I have fed my mind with even more images of violence, and that's also feeding my imagination quite a bit. That's why it's going to be harder and harder to fully recover and truly leave this sinful past behind. No, I can't do it on my own. I need You, Lord Jesus.

Afternoon pre-fellowship with the sound room tutorial thingie, which only Ed and I showed up, even though this was scheduled long ago with lots of enthusiastic response from myf coworkers. That's kind of depressing. The fellowship was ok, the Bible study was a bit long, and Francis sort of ruined it with his usual egomaniac remarks and boasting of his strange happy-all-around secure life, which, you know, is kind of hard to take for someone who's currently depressed like me. I got even more depressed afterwards for no good reason, and decided to pass on the Korean dinner. Instead, I went home, find that David Lee hasn't had dinner yet, so we went to the "green place" for a meal, during which I dropped hints to hopefully inspire him to read the Bible...heh. I guess I'm a hypocrite there, because I have trouble reading the Bible recently...

I'm grateful to God for...

• showing me that He is not a soft God, but a firm God of justice who does not look at sin lightly;
• letting me live alone so as to be able to sing aloud worship songs, and also have time alone when needed;
• once again, reminding me that this struggle with sexual sin is far from over, and I really need Him;
• giving me the opportunity to share my problems with Ed in the prayer meeting today; and
• sharing a dinner with David Lee.

Whenever there are two options available as to what I can do, I seem to always pick the wrong one. Hence, I failed again this morning. Sigh...I'm digging further and further down in my hole... O Lord, shine into the darkness of my heart.

My car insurance premium went up...

Apparently they will change my phone number in the middle of August. That's going to be a hassle...

Nope, I totally don't understand myself, why I'm continuing to run toward temptations and run away from God. It's very frustrating. My head keeps running the song with the lyric, "Today I choose to follow You..." And I'm like...nope, I didn't choose that today. Sigh... In related news, I find youtube.com as a hot bed for the source of most of these temptations, and coincidentally, 3 people mentioned this site to me today, all using it for perfectly good entertainment. What is going on?

I sort of wanted some kind of release for my internal aggression, but didn't find anything. By evening, I was just too desperate to get out, so I called Chen Jie and Ed, and we played foosball and table tennis at my place. It was good relief. Two rounds of three games of foosball where Chen Jie and I teamed up...we lost both times...heh. But it was close.

I'm grateful to God for...

• this evening of relief from loneliness, and a chance to connect with Chen Jie and Ed;
• giving me enough courage to ask people out instead of being frustrated at home;
• once again, releasing sexual tension at sleep;
• not letting temptations go way out of control;
• helping me in knowing how to respond to the group that asked for feedback today.

All these troubles I'm facing and struggling with could have been solved if I simply follow Jesus' command to deny myself, take up my cross daily, and follow Him. In other words, let myself die, so I can live in Jesus. So now the question becomes, how much of an impact does Jesus have in me that I would be willing to give up myself for Him? That's a hard question to answer honestly...

For the matroid class today, I am supposed to do the exercises. I only did one, the one that is similar to something from the digraphs course last year, and I didn't even do the question completely... I was still thinking while in class how to solve the last part...eventually came up with something reasonable, and went for it. I was shaky, as always, but it was ok, after Jim resolved a few things. So I was kind of relieved. And then he announced that we can get 4 more days for the project, which, well, sort of sent me on this further procrastination mode again...sigh... Afternoon spent wasting time. Evening spent with mccf, where we had a potluck, played warfish and the apples game. I won once, finally. But yeah, not sure what to make of this evening...kind of...wasted?

I'm grateful to God for...

• saving me once again from disaster in matroid class, even though I tried to get away with as little as possible;
• calling me to come back to Him;
• the chat with Wayne last night, which reminded me to have courage to stand up for the gospel of Christ;
• being able to connect with David Lee, even if it's over warfish; and
• reducing the level of temptations that I faced today.

Why? Why couldn't I stay away from temptations? Why couldn't I stop thinking violent thoughts? Why do I still hate my family? Why don't I care about school? Why is it so hard to pray and read the Bible?

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quence the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies. Test all things, hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil." -- 1 Thessalonians 5:16-22.

I'm grateful to God for...

• the chance to reconnect with Tony on msn today;
• reminding me how far away I am from His will for me;
• the brief moment of peace and joy after praying this morning;
• the abundance of food that He has provided for me; and
• giving me enough energy to live this day.

This is a day of shame for me. I'm ashamed that I didn't complete the assignment to the best of my ability, leaving it to the last minute only to realize I really didn't know how to do some parts of it. I'm ashamed that I didn't spend enough time on project evaluation, and gave really crude comments and marks. I'm ashamed that I keep creating these temptations for myself, unable to leave my sinful past. I'm ashamed that I keep avoiding God by keeping myself distracted with puzzles.

Notes for the day: On a day where I desperately wanted to talk to somebody, I couldn't find any suitable person to talk to, and that's just sad; there's the Contender premiere happening tonight...I know I really shouldn't watch it, but I so want to watch it...I know that if I don't watch the first episode, the chances of me watching it in the future will drop significantly...but I so want to watch it! What is wrong with me?; a few of us went to lunch today, and I'm just glad that I was able to voice my opinion on some of the restaurants that they were considering, e.g. the Mr. Panino place and the Bangladeshi place...we ended up at China Legends, and I had a nice (and unhealthy) meal; I don't know, I kind of lost hope for everything, thus forgetting everything God has taught me...

I'm grateful to God for...

• giving me just enough energy to complete the required work;
• the struggle that I'm dealing with, and the grief I'm experiencing for my sins;
• giving me an opportunity to help David Sun when he needed;
• accepting this hypocrite as Your child; and
• the cooler weather today.

It was a tough day...but it was only tough because I kept procrastinating, procrastinating, and procrastinating. It's just...man, how can I stop doing this? I didn't even get to school until noon, and then get stopped by a rest visiting Carlos, lunch, Williams milkshake break, brief visit to Jochen, pseudo Bible study break for dinner, sleep, and now Treasure Hunters, all the while checking constantly on warfish. I have only myself to blame for leaving a huge chunk of this assignment behind and having 4 project proposals to evaluate within the next 12 hours.

Random notes: It was frustrating to read the Bible this morning, probably because I couldn't concentrate due to surrounding circumstances, also because the scripture goes so deep and I just wasn't ready to face it; talked to Samuel briefly over msn this morning...he sounded tired, but at least he's in Taiwan now; the fight to leave the sinful life and head towards holiness is tough, and continues every moment of everyday; I guess I prefer this relaxed lifestyle over the always busy lifestyle, but I was probably too relaxed; I guess it also explains why my funding had been lower than before...but when the cost of everything else is going up, it's getting tougher and tougher; I used to be very afraid of starting msn conversations, but somehow that has changed...slightly...; there is a fantastic thunderstorm going on right now, hopefully that would cool things down dramatically...; I've discovered iTunes radio...hope it doesn't eat up too much bandwidth...

I'm grateful to God for...

• reconnecting with Kai over msn yesterday;
• giving me a company of people during this stressful day;
• once again calming me down when I try to panic;
• reminding me of His presence over the course of the day; and
• the air conditioning in my room.

I can't stop the procrastination! Each time I keep saying to myself, alright, I won't leave it until the end, I won't leave it until the end, only to promptly leave it until the end. So now I'm faced with a big assignment to write up plus four project proposals to evaluate in a single day tomorrow...sigh... Why do I always do this?

Once again, the cfc sermon cuts so deep...it's about the issue of anger. And quite frankly, I used to think that I'm this good guy who never get angry...and boy was it an awakening during recent events. So yeah, I have trouble with this. I need to contemplate and pray more about this. Slow to anger...angry at the right thing... A few more notes about today: I was tired the entire morning, so I wasn't going to stay for the kwcac lunch, but for Li Zhen's sake (and he's not even there!), I stayed...; I had an awesome time during the music worship at cfc today ("Praise Him you heavens and all that's above..." "My Redeemer lives..." "Your grace is enough..."), where I almost cried but didn't because of all the people around me...oops; I hope Samuel's alright, haven't heard from him since he departed to Taiwan; 4 people for the prayer meeting tonight, and it was good, and I'm learning not to "pre-pray" for making the concluding prayer; getting myself all worked up for the Google Picasa and Apple iTunes for nothing; pictures from the zoo are up on my photo album (compressed pictures), or for download (full-size, about 150MB); "Be still and know that I am God..."

I'm grateful to God for...

• the challenging sermon at cfc today;
• a wonderful time of worship at cfc;
• letting me pray to Him, and reminding me the promise of rest that I can find in Jesus;
• stirring me about having a church family to love; and
• providing me with more than enough.

The car hit the 50K milestone yesterday, while on its way back from Toronto, just pass the exit to 427 North, at around 11pm. Now we're halfway towards the next Millionaire level...

Friday afternoon, I somehow managed to get myself into the Grad House (first time in 1.5 years, apparently) with Carlos and stayed for about an hour and a half. There was just too much alcohol flowing around, I think, and the conversations were kind of...shallow...so, yeah, I probably won't do that again.

The heat wave continues, hitting 34 degrees today. Yikes.

28 hours, 4 cities, 273.7 kilometres. It was quite serene to stay at Andrew's place overnight. The morning was spent at the zoo. It was just way too hot...and most of us quit by 2pm, only visited the African and the Indo-Malayan sections of the zoo. Too tiring, I say. I guess the good thing is that I met a few interesting new people, and got reconnected with Paul. Rest of the day was spent resting, avoiding the ourdoors, buying dumplings, having a good dinner, shopping at T&T, and shopping for "cheap" gas (ended up with 104.9... it was 110.9 in Waterloo). Still don't know why I went, but it was good, I guess.

It's funny how I'm still in January for my "Bible reading plan." I guess I didn't anticipate turning away from speed reading to really slow reading. At this rate, I may finish February by the end of this year, and finishing the entire Bible by 2011... It's good, though, because I don't think I've ever studied the Bible so deeply before.

I'm grateful to God for...

• providing protection during this trip;
• meeting new friends and reconnecting with Paul, Andrew and Mary;
• giving me occassional flashes of moments where I experienced absolute surety of living in the Lord;
• keeping my body going in the zoo amidst the brutal heat and some great pain in my body; and
• inviting me to come closer and closer to Him.

I had a dream...or really, a nightmare, which sort of showed me that life could have been much much worse than what I have now. I'm just blessed with a nice and quiet place to live, there is no need to move, homework assignments that are manageable, and a car to go to places.

Minorly interesting things happened in the afternoon, and now I'm in Andrew's place in Toronto! Going to the zoo tomorrow...

I'm grateful to God for...

• calming me down amidst another wave of strong temptations this morning;
• being a God of mercy, and a God who loves me even now;
• helping me greatly with the matroid homework, making it seem plausible now;
• bringing me to Toronto safely; and
• giving me an extraordinary peace after the devotion today.

Today, I find myself to be quite agitated, unable to sit still for the class. I just felt like moving around, doing something with my body, expend some excess energy, even though I was dead tired. It's just...strange. I wasn't like that before... In any case, I'm procrastinating on the matroids assignment...sigh...

Just an observation about mccf this evening...the text was Acts 2, the events at Pentecost. It just seems that people are so willing to accept or at least nonresistance to Yiwen's interpretation of it, which is that what was recorded was some kind of hyperbole to describe God spreading the gospel to all the nations, and the events really never happened. Why couldn't we just accept the scripture literally? Especially considering that Acts is considered a "history" book... And to consider this section differently just because one thinks that the events recorded are ludicrous while treating the rest of the book a different way is just...I don't know...strange, that's all. I guess I should have spoken up more during the Bible study instead of writing things down here... Anyway, we all went to dinner afterwards. Played Connect Four while waiting. I beat both Yiwen and Jeff multiple times, only to be beaten by David...heh.

I'm grateful to God for...

• showing me how my repentance this time around is different from what it used to, hence showing spiritual growth;
• a chance to connect with Chen Jie a little bit;
• good time of fellowship with mccf this evening;
• continuing to remind me that this life that I live is not mine; and
• the friends He has gave me, which is more important than what I would ever imagined.

It was a bizarre and disasterous morning. All I can say is, all throughout yesterday and today, my mind is constantly singing "Your grace is enough..." I'm starting to wonder what does it mean...

The rest of the day was spent on assignment, puzzles, and sleep. More of the latter two than the first one.

I'm grateful to God for...

• showing me how weak I am in resisting temptations, asking me once again to fully depend on Him;
• forgiving me of my transgression;
• giving me an idea on how to start the matroid assignment;
• once again, keeping life interesting and challenging...never a dull moment; and
• showing me that there is truth to His promise that there is always a way out of temptations.

I do realize that most temptations come in the morning, right after I wake up...so I guess there's an even more urgent need to connect with God immediately after waking up, eh? I've been quite sloppy and keep delaying devotional time...so maybe I should get it back to the morning. Today, finally finished studying Psalm 20, and I absolutely love this verse:

Some trust in chariots, some in horses;
But we will remember the name of the Lord our God.

Interesting day it was. I did no work on the research the past week, kept delaying it and delaying it, just didn't want to do it. Still, I pray to God for His help, and even though I was lazy, He still came through. Once at school at around 9, I reluctantly started the research work, and started to realize something that I glanced over in the past. This led to a minor error which has made progress done in the past month or so meaningless. On one hand, that's disappointing; but on the other hand, I found something to talk about in the supervisor meeting. So yeah, there it is. Matroid class was boring as usual. Went to Costco with Li Zhen in the afternoon. We hit a minor traffic jam, but I was really calm, and thanking God that He really gave me patience. When we return, however, we see that the other side of the highway was jammed like crazy because of an accident. Then I was thanking God for the impeccable timing that avoided this huge jam. Also thankful that He didn't put me through this test of extreme patience. The evening was spent on puzzles and sleep...didn't really want to do any work, despite the looming assignment and project deadlines...

I'm grateful to God for...

• saving me from a possibly disasterous supervisor meeting despite my extreme procrastination;
• the timing of the trip to Costco that avoided a massive traffic jam;
• a good friend in Li Zhen;
• being such a personal King, One who answers us, defends us, helps us, strengthens us, remembers us, and accepts us; and
• humbling me in realizing that so many brothers and sisters are praying for me.

Struggled the whole day trying to mark the assignment. It's not hard to mark, it's just tedious...like usual... Of course I'm supposed to be doing research and matroid and stuff, but didn't get around to doing that. The Bible study was surprisingly nice, I felt. It was unprepared, so we all studied the scripture at the same time, and just discussed our insights. It felt very free, and much more rewarding, I believe. Of course this means that we probably didn't go as deep as we possibly could, but this is still good. Maybe it works for really small groups, like the 4 people that we had today. In the Bible study, I also wanted to try something else...I wanted to look Francis in the eyes and see if any anger and pain swell up in me. And there were none. And I'm just very grateful to God for making this seemingly impossible transformation possible. I sort of feel ashamed that I didn't truly forgive Francis earlier, but it's all in the past, and it's a new beginning now, I think.

So about my mom's suggestion that I take a year off... Reasons for not doing it: taking a year off may mean that I most likely have trouble coming back; I have friends here that I want to care for; I'm much more comfortable with the Canadian environment than the Taiwanese environment. Reasons for doing it: I'm really tired of academia; I'm so far from my family that maybe it's time to heal the gap; the possibility to travel the world. Conclusion? I have no idea.

I'm grateful to God for...

• the healing that He has done in me in dealing with Francis;
• a wonderful time of Bible study this afternoon;
• helping me trudge through the marking today;
• continuing to challenge me to truly humble myself and cast all my worries to Him; and
• really calming me down whenever I start to panic.

I attended the joint prayer and worship meeting of Christian clubs across campus. It was quite a challenging time for me. For one, I'm being around strangers again, with only a couple of familiar faces. Even though I knew all of us are brothers and sisters in Christ, the timid nature of me came out again, having a hard time connecting with them and praying together with them. Also, I see the passion that these people have for Christ, and I feel ashamed for my cold cold heart. Why don't I have the passion for God that they have? Is there something wrong with me? Or maybe I haven't grown and experienced enough of God? Another challenge is that the focus of prayers is mostly on other people...the students on campus, the people of the KW community, missionaries in the world, etc. I had a hard time putting sincerety into these prayers, even though Paul specifically told us to first and foremost pray for everyone (1 Timothy 2:1). In any case, I barely connected with James (he's definitely very passionate about God), had a long conversation with George (whom I still couldn't figure out his real name), and had a brief chat with Billy (he's just so fun and energetic, but at the same time so caring and godly). I'm very glad that God had brought me to this meeting to challenge me, and make new friends at the same time.

A few things to contemplate... (a) Mom wants me to take a year off to be with her. Initially I thought that was just crazy. But now...maybe I need this break...but then I would be giving up so much...sigh...I don't know. (b) Had a brief but very interesting exchange of emails with the Canadian organizer of the WPC team. I actually landed in 5th place for the qualifier among the 39 Canadian contestants, so I think there really is a good chance that I can go to Bulgaria... (c) I'm back to getting addicted to puzzles...but this time, only in moderation...maybe. (d) I'm really an extreme pessimist, am I not? I always think that I'm in such an incredibly bad situation that, even though good things happened, I still maintain this thinking about this tough life that I'm having...

I'm grateful to God for...

• the difficult lesson learned in cfc today;
• the challenges that He gave me in the prayer and worship meeting tonight;
• continuing the peace that He gave me and gradually removing my fears;
• giving me these tough days of trials and tests, which really demanded me to hang on to Him; and
• keeping this desire to seek Him burning.

The cfc sermon this morning is on judging...it was very humourous, but at the same time, man, it cuts so deep... I'm wondering if my judgmental attitude had contributed to the painful events in recent history. I'm wondering if I should contemplate on that, or simply move on and pray that the Lord would give me wisdom to "make the right judgment"...

After cfc, went to kwcac joint service. There's this send-off party for Pastor Henry after the service, but I was just too tired (both physically tired and tired of the very long first speech), so I skipped it and went home. Didn't talk to anyone, either. Slept for a long time once home...I don't know how I was able to sleep so much these days, and my body was too weak to get up even if I was awake...strange.

Two forces are pulling me apart. On one hand, the panic about being so far behind on academic work with a million other things bothering me at the same time. On the other hand, the calming voice of God asking me to just trust Him and let go of everything to Him. It's so hard, man...so so hard...

I now find it a struggle to open the Bible and read the Word of God. The main reason is that knowing this is indeed the Word of God, the task of wrestling with the scripture, constantly asking for the enlightening from the Holy Spirit, and trying to figure out its deepest meaning to my life are quite challenging. But I know it's good, and I need it desperately, but often the lazy side of me just doesn't want to tackle this challenge. "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer."

Didn't do much in the morning except the usual RRRR. Purposely avoided checking email since last night because I was kind of afraid of what I might be reading. After reluctantly finished the day's devotion, I finally got to it. There, I finally found closure from Francis (and I still don't know how, but that was the feeling that I had). Also, I found out that because I ranked 6th among Canadian contestantas in the wpc qualifier, there is a good possibility that I may be able to go to Bulgaria this October for the World Puzzle Championship. Fellowship was ok, not so good because I still don't how to approach Francis in person, but good in the prayer meeting in a sense that Chen Jie and I shared a bit of our personal struggles, and I may have made a new close friend there. Dinner was ok, finally went to Swiss Chalet...heh. After dinner, I was tired, but went to Dooly's with Ed and Li Zhen anyway. This would be my guilty pleasure, since I still got a ton of work to do... We played darts (which I never played before), but somehow I won 5 games versus 3 games each that they won...so that's kind of shocking. Sadly, at the end of it, I find myself still shying away from any possible public display of masculinity...heh. Anyway, it's been an interesting and joyful day, if not suspenseful. Thank you, Lord, for the abundance of blessings today.

I'm grateful to God for...

• somehow bringing Li Zhen to the mccf praise and worship night back in March...I never knew how Tony's testimony helped him and Penny so much;
• preparing my heart to face today's challenges;
• the sense of relief in receiving Samuel's email;
• finally releasing me from holding a grudge against Francis; and
• possibly getting closer to Chen Jie.

It's quite discomforting to wake up in the morning and say to myself, "man, I'm not ready to face the day." I know that I need to connect with God, but I'm struggling to do that as well... There's a lot of unnecessary fear that arose because of this.

I guess when I wrote that first paragraph in the morning, what I didn't realize is that I would be spending the entire day exchanging emails with Francis. It's very emotionally draining, but I think it's all necessary.

I'm grateful to God for...

• being invited to a lunch with Li Zhen and Chen Jie...coincidentally, I was thinking all along that I should take them out for dinner today...;
• repeatedly calming me down and giving me a rational mind while I repeatedly get unnecessarily angry with what Francis wrote;
• reminding me once again to love Francis as a brother in Christ;
• providing me with more than enough sleep for the day; and
• surprising peaceful heart that I'm having right now, after a long and draining day.

O Lord, I'm sorry that I messed up. I felt horrible for repeatedly rejecting the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I find it so hard to let go of my troubles and just depend on You. Lord, please forgive me, and help me release myself from all the guilt. Thank you so much for bringing peace in my heart, and I pray the peace will stay throughout the storm.

I was really tired the entire day, actually. I don't know why, especially since I slept a lot... Maybe it's the segmented sleep that was bad... I got really tired of matroid class, it's like nothing is making any sense right now. Spent the afternoon at home, doing nothing. Evening mccf and dinner was ok, but I'm kind of weary of the constant silliness...

I'm grateful to God for...

• being able to talk to Wayne briefly today to lighten the load...such a joyful man;
• a good time of worship in mccf today, reflecting a lot about recent events;
• having so many people to care for me, like having 5 msn conversations just in the past hour;
• continuing to pursue me; and
• constantly teaching me lessons on waiting for Him.

It's one of those days where I just felt like doing nothing, and did nothing. I have a lot of issues to think about, and academic stuff just took the back seat for me there. I have to restart wondering what to do with Francis...it's tough. I slept a lot.

There was a fire alarm in the apartment tonight. It just happens that I was doing the laundry just prior to that (and doing the laundry in the evening is unprecedented for me). It also happens that I ran out of t-shirts and shorts, so I had to temporarily wear these long sleeves and pants. It also happens that it was a bit cold outside, so I was kept warm by the clothes. It also happens that the fire alarm sounded for more than an hour. It's just too much of a coincidence, eh? I guess I should also mention that I had a wonderful time talking to Omran and Nathan. Boy, Nathan is 29 years old? But he looks like he's 23...wow.

I'm grateful to God for...

• the continuing peace in my heart despite all the troubles that I'm facing;
• the prayers of many brothers and sisters for me;
• the miracle that kept me warm during the fire alarm;
• releasing sexual tension during sleep again, this time apparently as a reward; and
• pulling me away from self-induced temptations.

I am a very slow learner in terms of how to deal with people, am I not? It just hit me that the lesson that Samuel taught me yesterday was precisely the lesson that he taught me just a month ago...and I never learned it to heart. Sigh...so yeah, I'm still a social idiot.

Woke up early today because of all the uneasyness that I was feeling...wrote an email and felt better...matroid class where Jim asked me first if I want to do an exercise, and I did, and turns out that's the one that almost everyone knows how to do, and nothing else, oops...supervisor meeting depressing but ok...I've calmed down a lot now, but it's still pains me whenever I think about what happened...

I'm grateful to God for...

• giving me peace this morning after having sent an email to Samuel;
• calming me down so that I can face the day's challenges, instead of dwelling in the painful past;
• Samuel, who is not afraid to get tough with me when I'm wrong;
• Francis' replies to my emails sent long ago; and
• making it a bit easier to avoid visiting tempting websites today.

79 hours, 2 cities, 1320.6 kilometres. I had really mixed feelings about this trip. On one hand, it's very nice and heart warming to be with Samuel's family. On the other hand, the exploration of the city was just torturous, physically, mentally, emotionally.

What if...what if...WHAT IF?!?! Sigh... Would I be in such pain if I had done things slightly differently? Why was I so disobedient to the Lord? Why all the pain, Lord? Am I ever going to run out of tears? How is it that I can be so idiotic as to always manage to screw-up close friendships? I'm jumping around in agony, and I don't know how to stop it. If only I knew...if only...if only...

I'm grateful to God for...

• the safe trip to Montreal and back;
• once again revealing to me my weaknesses of always trying to save face, keep myself behind an invisible wall, shy away from confrontations, trying to please men instead of God, and how easy it is for me to breakdown;
• the opportunity to seriously talk to Jeff briefly and sharing my burdens with him;
• keeping life interesting; and
• listening to me, despite my complaints and doubts.

Montreal Day 3

(omitted again...for now)

Montreal Day 2

(omitted...for now)

Montreal Day 1

Departed at around 1:30am. I drove around 2.5 hours, logging around 250 kilometres. I think I drove like crazy, doing 120-13okm/h, with the urge to get there as fast as possible. There was one moment beyond Toronto on the 401 where I go, hmm...this looks familiar...must have been a dejavu to the road trip 7 years ago...heh. Then Jeff drove (at a much more reasonable pace, surprisingly enough) around 4 hours, logging around 400 kilometres, arriving at Samuel's place at around 8am. And nobody was awake at that time...so Samuel directed us to a Timmies, which we didn't find, and instead found McD's for breakfast...yikes.

So...what did we do on this first day? After some rest, took the Metro to Berri-Uqom to buy a 3-day pass. Wandered aimlessly around the library of national archives, and then Rue Ste-Catherine. A small bagel and the equivalent of 5 Metro stations later, we got a huge delicious lunch at Samuel's family restaurant. Met Peter there. It started raining, so we went back to Sam's place, had a rest, greeted with a surprise visit from Jackson and off we went again. First to get poutine, then a failed attempt to get creme brule (whatever that is), and finally arrived at Calories for cake and drinks. Met Victor there. Came back home again, celebrated Rebecca's birthday, had a huge dinner, and that's the end of the day. A few observations...

• I experienced a minor form a culture shock. It's the failure of the expectation to look around and understand almost everything that's shocking.
• All that walking made me really really tired...must have been adrenaline that kept me up...
• It's very interesting to see Samuel in his "natural habitat" so-to-speak...heh.
• I was very annoyed by the high concentration of second-hand smoke there.

On this day, I was grateful to God for...

• very safe and smooth travel to Montreal;
• the generosity of Samuel's family in allowing us to disturb the peace;
• a time of serious reflection on the reality of my faith during the ride to Montreal;
• strengthening my body so as to be able to walk the long distance for the day; and
• the company of many brothers and sisters in the day's journey.