There was a good run through of the second stage presentation this morning. I just hope that I don't forget about what to say when the real thing comes... Chatted with Graeme afterwards, and then I headed off to CIF for a full hour of skating. Yeah, it was tiring as usual, and I wasn't going full speed all the time, but at least I kept moving for the full hour. I was one of the first ones on the ice, and the very last one off it. Office hour, the usual, and then I was home. I guess tomorrow's the big day. I'm really surprised at how calm I am about it, taking it easy and stuff. The Lord takes care of me, so that I may have peace in the midst of turmoil.

"If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it."

Wow...people actually call me...

Ah...I don't like to be under the sun...heh.

Heard from Clarence that people are talking about how I've opened up recently. I guess I would agree. It's all thanks to mom, I think. Looking back at this year, it's only been three months, but I've changed so much...not just on this, but also the way I look at spiritual things, and many other aspects of my life. It's been a rollercoaster ride, and I thank God for everything, all the joy and the pain. I truly pray that I don't go back to the way I was before the year started...

I keep reading about total surrender and obedience to God, and I truly want to do that...or do I? That's one of the things that's bothering me. I know how God works...supposedly...He would always ask me to do the things that I don't want to do the most. I've heard so many testimonies about it. Surely I can say and think these grand things and believe them, but do I truly believe? What does it mean to believe? I'm having a headache...

It has been ridiculously warm these couple of days, with 11 degrees... Meanwhile, I had very slow progress in preparing for the comps, and I had a haircut today. Ok..........

I'm reading this book Abide in Christ by Andrew Murray. I've only read 4 chapters so far (31 in total), and it's just been mind-blowing to me. I wanted to read and re-read these first chapters, because there is so much that I need to think about and to act on. I'm having a hard time realizing its full meaning in real life. I'm almost afraid to keep going with the reading, fearing that I would forget about what I read already... This is definitely a book that I need right now. Interesting how I picked up this book at some kind of book-surplus table at church about 3 years ago and never even considered reading it...until recently.

You know, I consider myself to be mostly a patient person with regards to waiting for people (not super patient, of course, just a little bit). I think I've developed that over years of picking people up and driving them to church. I'm generally slow and methodical and stuff. So why is it that I have no patience for waiting on God?

Second stage comprehensives--I did a dry run this morning. I felt terrible, primarily because a lot of times I didn't know what to say. But I'm glad to have this practice done, so changes can be made. For some reason I'm not really worried about it, which is a good thing.

Bible games--I'm struggling with this. I guess with the comps going on, I don't have the will to prepare for it until the exam's over. But the more major problem for me is, am I doing this to please God or to please men (and women)? A lot of things have happened that raised this question in my mind.

Yesterday during Sunday service, I suddenly had this pressing idea that while I'm on campus, I would just call and meet up with somebody (presumably another brother), find a quiet isolated spot, then just share and pray. Pray for each other, just the two of us. I'm not sure how many of these brothers would be comfortable about it, but this is something I'm seriously considering.

Yes, I've been emotionally highly unstable. I was still in a foul mood this morning, not knowing what's going on. After a short sleep, still the same. But after reading Abide in Christ, I felt a sense of calm amidst the continuing turmoil. So on one hand, I need to surrender my life to Christ, realize that Christ is in my heart and not somewhere out there in the distant. On the other hand, I can only patiently wait for God to slowly progress this relationship with Jesus, and not panic once again. It's still a hard lesson, and I pray that I'm slowly learning it.

Funny how God works... So I knew there is going to be a prayer meeting for mccf today. I briefly contemplated going but decided against it unless Samuel invites me. That was just a thought in passing, partially as a joke. Long and behold, a few hours later, Samuel did invite me to the prayer meeting. Well, there you go, so I went. I felt ashamed that I think I was unknowningly testing God, and astonished at the work of this awesome God.

Supervisor meeting tomorrow, and I still haven't made up the slides...yikes.

I went skating this morning. Alone. For two hours. I even walked to CIF and back. Met Ed and Ingrid there. Mostly eventless.

I just had an incredibly horrible afternoon and evening. The thing is, I couldn't figure out exactly why. Well, my legs were sore, so that's one factor playing throughout the evening. However, there was something else that was bothering me, and I couldn't pinpoint what it is. I was in the sound control room, and suddenly I just felt like all that laughter in the sanctuary was so annoying and meaningless, and I just wanted to isolate myself from the crowd just like before. Maybe I was really tired, but there's something mental or spiritual in addition to the physical pain. I just want to cry. Even after the dinner at Swiss Chalet (which I didn't quite enjoy), even after I got home just now, I still felt the same bothersome thing, unable to figure out what's going on in my mind. It is indeed very frustrating.

So to conclude, no, I'm not ok, thank you very much.

It took a while, but finally I got my plane ticket for Taiwan booked. So I'm leaving April 14, returning May 7. It was funny how I got a agent that is an "intern" and I was her first customer... Anyway, it got sorted out somehow, I don't know how.

What else happened today? Well, I went out for lunch with Li Zhen and Penny by accident...attended the Tutte seminar, which I haven't done in a long time...got fooled by Li Zhen into this Mozart concert (hehehe), and considering that I fooled Li Zhen into the mccf praise and worship night last Friday, this is fair game...went out for dinner with Li Zhen, Penny and Chen Jie, also by accident. Boy, two restaurant meals for one day, and a lack of exercise, and a ton of sleep...this isn't going to be good for my weight, eh? Anyway, it was a good day...for most of the day.

I keep thinking about song lyrics like "Jesus is my best friend" or "Jesus, be the centre" or "Be the fire in my heart, be the wind in these sails, be the reason that I live, Jesus, Jesus." And it's very jarring. I mean, these are some of these songwriters' wonderful experience with Jesus, but I just couldn't sing these with honesty in my heart. I feel I'm so far off from the experiences that they have, and I feel heartbroken. I really don't know what it's like to have this close personal relationship with Jesus. I pray and pray, but I still don't get it. Maybe the Lord is calling me "O foolish man"...I don't know. I just don't know.

I felt sick the whole day. Probably because of the morning breakfast, plus the stress from everything. The body felt weak, and there was some minor in the lower left hand side of the body, plus a headache... Soon after I arrived in the office, I just couldn't take it and had to come back home to rest before returning for supervisor meeting. It's just odd...

So I went to mccf today...yes, that would be the second time I went there, the first being more than three years ago. I don't really know why I went, something about the priase and worship night last Friday sort of clicked... Anyway, it was an interesting experience, I'm not quite sure how I feel about it, but it was definitely worth the time. Talked to some new people (imagine that...me talking to new people...), and went out for Vietnamese dinner with them. There is a sense of lost because for a lot of these people, I won't see them again next term (or ever).

Walking with God is something that I need to consciously decide to do everyday, every moment. That would be my epiphany for the day, I guess...

I hoped that was the right decision...I know that is the right decision, it's just that there is a loss here, and even though it's a good loss, it's still a loss. I just hope and pray that I don't dwell on the past...

Really fun J! tonight. Lots of interesting clues, lots of funny remarks, and an old lady who appeared on J! 35 years ago actually won a lot of money. That's really heart-warming. My favourite clue would be in the category of "Also a car," the answer is "Uranium or titanium, for example." The correct response: "What is an Element?" And then, Deal or No Deal...heh. There's this contestant that pretty much wiped out the right side of the board right ouf of the gate, so half way through, her top prize was $750. Then they have this segment where they had a lot of fun with it, she would open a case, immediately receive bank offer, immediately asked deal or no deal, immediately no deal, immediately open another case, and this repeats 5 or 6 times within that segment. It was the most hilarious thing I've seen on that show. They have a lot of creative people over there. Oh yeah, she ended up winning $750 in her case...

Yes, I'm supposed to make slides right now, but I simply couldn't do it. I'm going into a lot of deep thoughts again...

It is finished...yet it is just the beginning of a long road to recovery.

I need an alternate sport...

Painfully finished writing the notes for the second stage comps...I simply didn't want to do it, but forced myself to anyway. Now, a long night of writing slides...

Wild day today. First, a painful decision was made and now partially executed this morning, after much prayer for courage. And now, I'm really making a firm commitment to leaving my previous life in the past, taking the conscious step to crucify the fleshly desires on the cross, performing concrete actions that affirms this, and hopefully grow out of it.

Got the planned dry run delayed for a day again, thankfully. It has been a pretty tough week. I did something today, but really need to work on things tomorrow.

Is trusting me such a hard thing to do? Have I been so untrustworthy?

Never have I been cut so deep into my heart with an email...and considering that I could have said the same thing 3 days ago and 7 days ago, I must be experiencing quite a painful ride in my life...

Yes, the one day that I've decided not to go to the office is the one day that at least 2 people attempted to find me. What are the odds...

There is a painful decision that needs to be made...and while that's going on, there's work to do on the comps... Both are pulling for my time, and both are paralyzing me greatly.

There was skating, and there was a visit to Yen's place, and I've wasted the entire day. Meanwhile, I haven't done a thing on the second stage comps...don't think I'll be able to get it ready for a dry run on Wednesday morning...

I suddenly have this sense of uneasyness about what I've tentatively planned for next semester. I'm just not sure if I'm ready to wander around like that. I'm also not sure about bothering so many people...which is an attitude I really need to change, actually, because that's really an unfounded fear. I need to be courageous, free to fail... There's also a question of whether or not I've made the right decision in taking a "sabbatical" from myf ministries...but this I'm pretty sure is a step that I'll need to take, which is a step back to truly experience and rediscover being with God before serving Him from my heart. Let go of trying to be in control, and obey. In any case, I'm still praying about these things.

I'm getting these really weird sleeping schedules where I would get so tired that I needed to sleep early, then wake up in the middle of the night to do nothing, and then had trouble falling asleep again, but eventually do fall asleep. I don't know...something went wrong with my biological clock?

I had an epiphany early this morning about something that's perhaps too obvious, but I just never realized it. There were times when I started to think, are my prayers really talking to God, or am I simply talking to myself when I pray? But what I've forgotten is that God knows everything, every thought that I have, every action that I perform, so certainly He hears my prayers. In fact, everything I do and think and say in my life becomes a prayer to God, once I realize that He knows everything that I do and think and say. So now I'm starting to get a bit of understanding to 1 Thessalonians 5:17..."pray continually."

It was really snowy this morning, and the road was slippery. But I didn't know it was THAT slippery in the church parking lot, where I almost hit a car...yikes... I think there was just an inch to spare before hitting the bumper of the other car. I'm thankful to God for preventing this accident from happening.

I had a stomach problem this morning...I was hungry, but I had no appetite...eventually forced myself to eat the dumplings, but that still didn't feel good. I think it's the "mental translating to physical" thingie again...

I have so many contradicting emotions coming to me all at once that I might go crazy soon. There's the joy of rediscovering a worship CD that I did a long time ago, but there's also despair that I couldn't sing these songs with honesty from my heart. There's the joy of having new friends, but there's also fear of losing old friends. There's the joy in thinking about all the travels and meeting new friends from April and beyond, but there's also the great burden of this second stage comps. There's the joy of temporarily conquering a sin recently through the power of the Holy Spirit, but there's also the fear of the inevitable fall again.

Surprisingly, I come to a point where I'm actually afraid to go out to eat again...hopefully this is just temporary, because I'm just too lazy too cook at home...

During fellowship today, I'm once again reminded of a thought... I should be thankful that God is keeping me alive, for I have not bear fruit, and the ax is seemingly ready to cut me off... The Lord is having mercy on me, giving me second chances maybe too many times...

Boy, what a strange day it was yesterday. Started at 5am, which was when I woke up. Received an unexpected email from Samuel, which partially caused me to struggle in my thinking more and more. Eventually, a minor breakthrough in a reply. After that, went to school, sent off the assignments, and couldn't do any work (of course). Went to lunch with David and Francis, and I got my 3rd visit to East Side Mario's in 8 days...well, the other places were packed, so we didn't have many options. Came home with Francis. On the way, however, I started agonizing, thinking, "my God, what have I done when writing that email?" But Samuel's quick reply quashed that thought, and was encouraging. After Francis was gone, Li Zhen came here to play pool, and eventually foosball and table tennis. Went out to lunch, visited his place, and then off to mccf praise and worship night...

Ah...the mccf praise and worship night... It was a wonderful night, first of all, and I'm very grately that David invited me there. We sang a lot of English worship songs, which is something I haven't done in a long long time. I'm reminded that I do find it a lot easier to connect with the English songs, actually, and it was just great (which is quite an understatement). I still have some focus problems, but it's been better this time. The testimonies were wonderful, as well, and it was quite interesting to hear about the experiences of Tony and Samuel. After it's over, I hang around to talk and listen to people around me, even though most are strangers. It was nice to reconnect with Tony and Victor again. Also great to talk to David and James, two CS guys. And of course, Kai and Sophie, and they had a lot of trouble trying to figure out what exactly is 31415926... Somewhere in there somebody named Cindy came in, I don't know. I stayed until close to 1am, actually, and that ended the night for me. It was indeed a memorable night for me.

Yes, I found a lot of grey hair on top of my head. Yes, I'm getting old.

Spent the morning and afternoon preparing notes for second stage comps, also a preparation for today's supervisor meeting. I was without food, and was really tired, so obviously I was in a kind of sedated mode during the meeting. I just felt very deflated afterwards, because apparently I'll need to do a dry run next week already, and there's so much to do on it. Yet I just don't have the interest or will to do it all... Sigh...all those days of slacking off are really catching up to me...but I really didn't slack off this past week, more like spending a lot more time on God...so I don't know, things are pulling me apart.

Why am I so selfish? I used to love, care and pray about other people, and now I...don't. Why? Frustration, maybe? Or was it something else?

In a world that demands instant answers, God appears to work the opposite way, most of the time...

I keep imagining Jesus calling me "O man of little faith..." Because indeed, I'm questioning where my faith is? What is faith anyway? It's certainly not something you imagine...it's something concrete that you hold on to, something that you are absolutely sure of...and it comes from God only. It's really mind-boggling...

Yes, I do think I'm starting this journey of faith from the beginning again, taking baby steps one step at a time. It is frustrating that I'm not growing as fast as I wanted to...and I truly hope that I don't lose this urge to seek God and drop back down to the beginning again...

Meanwhile, the second stage comprehensive is fast approaching, and I'm still far from being done with the preparation. I could delay this, but I don't want to prolong this burden. Right now, all I can see is the sense of release that I'll get after the exam's over. I'm so looking forward to extensive traveling and meeting with friends. But, I need to get over this hurdle first...

For reasons totally unbeknownst to me, I started thinking about the song "I will give You all my worship" that I used to love so much back in the days. Thinking through the song today, however, I find it very disheartening. It feels a lot like the Israelites after receiving the law saying that they will do whatever the law says, and then break it immediately. I, for one, cannot sing this song honestly, and that's just too bad...

Temporarily abandoning the Bible reading plan, I read Psalm 51 this morning. So of course the song "Create in my a clean heart" came to mind throughout the day. Two verses that stand out to me: "Restore to me the joy of Your salvation" and "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and a contrite heart--these, O God, You will not despise." Regarding sin, I realize that I can do all I can to remove all elements leading to sin and possibly avoid falling into temptation again; however, if my heart doesn't change, I would still desire these sinful things, and it's still bad. I can only pray that the Lord can change my heart, and also pray that I would be willing to be changed.

For the record, I treat this weblog as a personal journal for my own record keeping, since writing a journal by hand is simply too hard. My assumption when writing (except for this paragraph) is that nobody else is reading it. I write for myself only, and I'm not trying to send out any messages to anyone. What I write may be brutally honest, but you have the freedom to choose not to read it. My belief is that only the people who are really bored would read this, and I don't mind providing this material for the bored to read. When I see or talk to you in person, my assumption is that you did not read this, unless you have told me otherwise, which is fine. I guess that's why sometimes you would hear me tell you the same stories that you've read already. Anyway, my point is, read if you wish, but whether you read it or not, that does not matter to me. Just don't be disturbed by what I write...

Yikes...better start writing really really REALLY boring stuffs to maybe discourage people from reading this... heh.

So I had the "priviledge" to be invited to a dinner at East Side Marios this evening. I think I had a good time (for most of the evening anyway), but really, I need to think twice (or more) when going to a meal that includes Laura...

Ah...supervisor meeting tomorrow...still did very little so far.

Facing my sin. That's what I've been grappling with. On one hand, I want to say, "Here I am, Lord, change my heart." On the other hand, however, I also want to say, "Do I really have to give up what I've loved my entire life?" Sigh...the battle between the Spirit and the flesh...

Somehow, I find the phrase "happy birthday" to be pretty meaningless. Vanity of vanities... At least some people did it right...like my parents, Peter, and Aaron (albeit a day late).

I asked and was granted a delay in the supervisor meeting. I simply couldn't do anything.

Ah...it's that day of the year again...the day where many people suddenly cared about you for about 10 seconds and then disappeared for the rest of the year. Yes, indeed, it's my birthday today, and as I've said before, I really hate the attention on this day. Good thing nothing interesting happened, so apparently everyone learned about my birthday philosophy quite well. A couple of emails here, a few instant messages there, a few e-cards here, and a phone call from home, that's all. So what exactly do I want for my birthday? Spiritual growth. It's also something I want for the rest of my 26th year on earth.

So what exactly happened today? Woke up, had bread for breakfast, shower, read the scriptures, phone call from home, went to school, visited Marg, spent considerable amount of time composing an email, supposed to prepare for supervisor meeting tomorrow but didn't, got tired, went home, ate dumplings for lunch, sleep, wake up, exercise, more thinking, watched J!, enjoyed a 4-course dinner, and here I am now. Waiting for The Amazing Race coming soon... Yes, I spent most of the time alone. Pity.

Weatherwise, we had snowsquall warning the entire day, with strong winds and snow and around -2 degrees. Considering that it was 15 degrees yesterday, does that mean that it's going to be a cold year for me?

My God, wow! That was just such a big big surprise for me, and gave me the shock of my life. Just as I was ready to leave my office, Kevin Yoon appeared just outside the door. I can hardly describe my reaction...just pure joy and shock at seeing this guy for the first time in (apparently) 7 years. We spent a couple of hours walking around campus and at my place, reminiscing about the past and catching up with each other's lives. It was just the most wonderful time I've spent in a long long while, and I thank God for this.

Kevin had been in touch with many people from high school, while I kept in touch with nobody...that's kind of sad, in a way. I really do forget about people as soon as I don't see them. It's not too late to change this attitude, though...

And I start to imagine, I was just about to go out for lunch about 15 minutes before Kevin arrived at my office. If I had gone for lunch, then this encounter would probably never happen... We call it fate, but it was indeed arranged by the Lord. Amazing.

I'm now very much consumed in spiritual thoughts, so much so that I had no will to do my research work. I really just want to get it right with God, and sometimes I panic again because I want it so badly. But I just have to calm myself down through prayer when that happens, and wait patiently for God.

Samuel replied to my email early this morning, and I just happen to catch it about 10 minutes after he sent it...it was around 2:30am, a rare time for me to be awake. I very much appreciate what he's done for me, and I am very thankful that the Lord sent him into my life through these critical times.

Going back to the basics, that's what I'm doing.

James 1:2-4 "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." This is yet another verse that I'm now holding on to. My thinking: surely I must be a Christian in order to be tested, so being tested, for me, is a sure sign that I am indeed a child of the Father through Jesus Christ. As I've learned many times before, periods of testing are necessary in order to refine my faith in the Lord, and patience is indeed one thing that is being severely tested right now. I pray (and for sure know) that the Lord will lead me through all of this and I will become more mature spiritually.

It's a shame that I've read so many books in the past, yet almost always I forget what I read immediately after I have read it. Even less so is seriously applying what I've learned to my life. But perhaps there are small things that remain in me that have subtlely shaped my thoughts, and are being used by the Holy Spirit in His prompting. So all is not lost, as I've previously thought...but maybe it would have been better if I had taken this more seriously in the past...ah, it's all in the past. Just concentrate on what is going on NOW.

Random musings for the day... Ah...such a warm day today...hitting 13 degrees. We had lunch, 5 of us, but remind me to never go to Crystal Palace for a meal in the near future, thanks! I also managed to get my vehicle license thingie renewed, which is something I forgot to do last year until it was quite late. My mom is particularly excited that she got to watch two (yes, that's TWO) Oscar-winning films while she was here: Wallace & Gromit and March of the Penguins. I (embarrassingly) watched the first half-hour of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition tonight...they made me cry. There was a strange incident involving somebody buzzing the suite, I heard through speaker phone someone mentioning my name, I pressed the door button, and nobody came up here. Borrowed some wrenches from Francis again, and that reduced greatly the creaking noise coming from the heavybag stand.

Right now I think my model prayer is like the one in Mark 9:24..."Lord, I believe! Help my unbelief!" I'm now starting to realize a big difference between "knowing" and "believing."

Boy, it's certainly very strange to not see Samuel at all on a Sunday...the car ride there was awfully quiet...the refreshment seemed off... Pastor Tim talked about being an "impact player" thingie, and the first thing he talked about was having a spiritual mentor. Well, recently, I think I may have subconsciously pushed this role of spiritual mentor or role model onto Samuel, and tried (perhaps unsuccessfully) to "suck the marrow out of his bones" (as Pastor Tim said). And maybe that annoyed him to no end, I have no idea...

After some contemplation, I'm now leaning towards keeping the Bible games alive, but taking a "sabbatical" of sorts from the fellowship ministry next term. This would give me opportunities to re-discover Jesus Christ, and also to travel around to visit different people in various places, like Vancouver, Saskatoon, Montreal. Need to pray more about it, certainly.

Something rare happened tonight...I suddenly had an inspiration to go walk around the campus, which is something I haven't done in a long time. The weather's calm, not too cold at 3 degrees, so I thought it would be a good opportunity to take a walk. Throughout the walk, I was praying to God constantly, praying that I would truly experience what it means to have a "personal relationship with Jesus Christ." And also, I'm learning the lesson of taking promises of God and believe it, as God never fails in His promises. I also pray that I don't despair, and really remember God's blessings all over my life. I think I never seriously learned to apply what I've learned to my life, but I really pray to start doing that now, with the help of the Holy Spirit.

I never thought that faking myself in front of God is ever an option...He knows everything, after all. In front of people, however, I may hide things from others, but I always go the honest route. What's the benefit of faking things anyway? Anyway, that's something Samuel said that bothered me somewhat...was he simply making a statement, or was he questioning my honesty? I don't know.

David and I had quite a few things in common. Both of our parents thought we were mute until age 3 or 4. We both started a love of reading since grade 3. We both fear rejections from people. He confirmed that he was afraid to talk to me (like many others) about a year ago, but he did see that I have opened up quite a bit. He promised to remember to bring me along for special events (at least those that don't include Laura or Christy...heh). Let's see how far this goes...

I find myself to be just like the Israelites when they were in the desert just outside of Egypt...essentially an amnesiac. I find it so easy to forget what God has done in my life. One moment I would marvel at God's work, and the next moment I would complain about why is God doing nothing? When I read Exodus and the rest, I would scoff at the Israelites for being so forgetful...well, looks like I'm just like one of them...sigh.

Yesterday, after the whole love feast spiritual meeting thingie was over, I headed over to Samuel (who sat alone) and had a chat with him. What started out as a nice chat disintegrated promptly when I started talking about my spiritual doubts, and Samuel came back with "you should consider dropping some of your ministry." Hmm...we also talked about experiencing God, and by the end of the chat, I plunged back down to depression and started thinking over and over again. Sigh... By the way, I really couldn't figure out Samuel...when he's absolutely serious, his eyes could kill; but when he's casually talking, he's like the most pleasant person around. Anyway, back to topic, I had a really tough time afterwards. In the evening, I've finally decided to write down my thinking (or, more accurately, talking or complaining to God). That took a while, but it was worth writing it down so that I wouldn't repeatedly think about the same things. I was still in despair, though, and that continued until this morning. And then, a breakthrough. I read the scriptures, and had an emotional cry to God, which once again lifted some burden from me. I will now hold to the promise in 1 Corinthians 10:13, and trust that the Lord will act once again to resolve my doubts and solidify my faith, in His own ways, at His own time. Please, once again, if you can, pray for me.

Yesterday, I had a surprise meal with Carlos at East Side Marios. Carlos was looking for a lunch partner, and apparently I was the only one available, so I went along. It was a nice meal, and we had some nice chats, and that's good... Today, I was planning to cook some elaborate things for lunch, and David was planning to come here to do laundry. So something clicked, and I invited him to lunch as well. So we had a 4-course meal, which was quite nice. Together with the laundry, David and I chatted for close to 4 hours in total...hehehe. It was great, we had some serious and non-serious conversations along the way, and we learned more about each other as well. This kind of time spent is meaningful to me, because otherwise I would be wasting away in doing puzzles and stuff... Hope to have more of these in the future.

It's embarrassing to be posting at church during a sermon, but that's what I'm doing here, unfortunately. I have a lot of trouble concentrating on the message right now. I guess one reason is I really don't like linguistic analysis of the Bible...but that's a pretty bad reason. Another reason is I have focus problems...I keep drifting away to think about my lack of faith, or looking at what Samuel's doing, and now typing on the computer. Sigh...

Earlier in the love feast, I was sitting around a bunch of guys and we had a good time, I think. But then there's this episode...Samuel wasn't here for the meal until very late. But just as he sat down and began some conversations, I was dragged away to solve the projector problem. I was quite disappointed, actually. It looks like as much I tried to avoid it, I'm really attached to Samuel, just like I was attached to MuTao or Francis back in the days...so I see this is going to be quite problematic for me.

In other news, I think my two dishes for the love feast were completely finished. That's good. Of course I brought that second dish to cover for Francis...or David...or other people...

Painfully marking assignments. That's pretty much the theme of the day. It was particularly tough when there is an algorithm question without unique solutions, and a theoretical question that is incredibly hard. The only ones that got close to perfect marks are the ones that are obviously copying solutions from previous terms. So there's this sense of injustice in my mind, even though the prof asked that we ignore such injustices and the marking is actually easier that way...anyway, I'm making too much out of this, I think.

Good thing it wasn't all marking all day...I had a nice visit to Samuel (and two surprise new friends, one's David, the other I don't remember the name) for lunch. The lunch itself is horrible, the pasta was incredibly tasteless. But it was nice to talk to these guys. Later, at Samuel's request, we went downstairs to the Cove to play this shooting videogame thingie. Well, this would be the first time that I went in there, and the first time I've held a toy gun to play a videogame...so of course I sucked, I have no clue where I was shooting at, so that was a disaster for me. I just couldn't make the connection between what I do with the gun and what's happening on screen. Of course Samuel's been playing this game for years so he already memorized what's going to happen every step of the way. I'm just a rookie trying very unsuccessfully to play. Later I handed off to David, who played well, it appears. Even later, Samuel handed me his gun, only to reveal that this coming part was difficult, and then we all died 10 seconds later. So...conclusion? It was pretty boring, I don't see how this could be fun...I guess I don't like fake stuffs in general, which is why I'm not particularly interested in videogames and scripted TV shows. But maybe there will be a return trip in the future so that Samuel can get me interested in this stuff.......... Anyway, I'm just trying to meet Samuel as often as possible without annoying him too much...after all, he is leaving soon...

Hi, Li Zhen! Nice to see you here!

As seen in the story of Abraham many times and in other stories as well, spiritual success is often followed by a period of even more testing. And unfortunately, I failed those tests...sigh...

I now see so many things to be so meaningless...television, school research, material gains. On the other hand, I now value friendships greatly.

Nothing so interesting yesterday, except for bumping into Kai and Sophie on the corridor of my office. They're fun to talk to.

Went to a seminar this morning, which is a surprise because I haven't attended one in a long long time. During the seminar, however, I'm starting to realize, this isn't what I want to do for the rest of my life, is it? Talking about things that very few people can understand, mindlessly attending these talks and conferences, asking questions whose answers are useless at best, let alone changing lives? I'm starting to think that I really don't want to walk down this road of academia, at least not after my PhD graduation...but what else can I do? Pretty much nothing, really...

I had lunch with Francis at the pita place today (first time this term that Francis actually came to me for lunch, I think). During lunch, Francis asked about my conditions, and I talked about what I experienced yesterday. Well, I don't really think he cares that much, really, as he was reading a Dell flyer and eating while listening to me. Eventually he basically laughs and trivializes my pain, and that was that. Note to self: never talk to Francis about serious stuffs again. Until he matures a bit, that is.

There's supposed to be a supervisor meeting tomorrow, and there's supposed to be a second stage comprehensive exam in three weeks. But I'm just doing so little right now that I don't know if I'm ever going to be ready for either of them.

Boy, another bizarre yet wonderful day. Started off with 4.5 hours, 3 cities, 1 airport, 254.4 kilometres. Yes, I went to Toronto again, this time taking Mary to the airport and then do some of my own thing. We left Waterloo at around 6:30am, and after a few minor traffic jams, we got to the airport at around 7:45, which is certainly earlier than I expected. Before Mary left, she inconspicuously handed me a card and then she's off to her short-term mission. I was planning to go to T&T and stuff, but it was too early, so I thought I would head home immediately. But the thought came a bit too late, so I went in the direction of T&T anyway. I needed to get some breakfast, and Mary mentioned that there could be some breakfast available at MetroSquare. I didn't really think that was possible, and besides, I ran out of cash already...but I went there anyway. When I'm at Metro, I thought it was still too early, so I sat in the car to open the card Mary gave me. Long and behold, a $20-bill fell out of it...it was quite embarrassing for me, actually, because I really didn't want anything in return for taking her to the airport. On the other hand, now I have the cash to buy breakfast...hmm...interesting twist. Turns out that there was indeed one booth in the food court that was open for breakfast, so I got myself a nice plate of assorted meats and breads plus a cup of milk tea. Even after I finished it, I purposely sat there, by the window, staring at the outside, thinking about stuff. One interesting note about Metro that went on was that there were about 100 people in the lobby area doing some dance with old music...heh. So that's what happens when people get up at 8am... Anyway, when I relaxed enough, I got back to the car, and it was around 8:50 already. T&T opens at 9, so I head there, and was actually able to get in 5 minutes before it's supposed to open...it's quite embarrassing (again) really, to be one of the first ones in there, almost all empty of customers and stuff... Eventually got a bunch of strange and usual things and headed home. Not too bad of a journey, and certainly very interesting to see new things.

Nothing interesting happened in the afternoon (although my exercising for 5 consecutive days is really catching up to me)... But then there was the coworkers Bible study. I wasn't expecting much out of it, as usual, and it seemed to head that way for the first hour or so. But then, there was this discussion question: Have you ever experienced spiritual doubt? How did you deal with it? And I'm thinking...woah, I'm in the midst of it, don't let me answer. Well, actually, my answer was "I won't answer today." Well, a couple of the girls shared their doubts, and they are quite different from mine. But then Ginger mentioned something like, "even Einstein believed, so why shouldn't I?" To which Ingrid replied, "Einstein? I was aiming a bit lower than that..." And somehow they say something like, "even Martin the intellectual believed and have no doubt, so I shouldn't have any doubts either. Maybe that's why Martin's not saying anything, maybe he is indeed having doubts, but sharing it may collapse us all!" Of course they say this with big laughs and stuff, and I was just speechless and expressionless, feeling great pain deep down inside me. After the Bible study was over (and it was a long one at 3 hours), Clarence and David came to my place to have dumplings for dinner. I brought up this episode to them and Clarence was understanding, since I've already shared some of my spiritual doubts during Saturday's Bible study. And he shared some of his doubts (from before or happening now, I'm not sure), and those are exactly the same ones that I'm having right now. David also shared similar things, and we all think of people like Samuel who are so devoted to Christ that maybe they had gone through some of this before as well? So this sort of sharing between the three of us greatly encouraged me. I already knew that I am not alone in having these doubts, but I never knew that it's the people around me that are having them. It's like a huge burden lifted off of me, which I thank God for that. I don't understand why the burden was lifted, but that is important. So now I'm even more determined to wait patiently for God to act, and not panic like what I've been doing. And I really hope to share with these brothers in Christ more often. The male species of humankind don't usually share their personal feelings and thoughts, but sharing is indeed a good thing, as I found out today.

By the way, I didn't take a shower today...hehehehe...

The day's just over half over, and it's already enough to fill a post. It began at around 3am, when I woke up to utilize the washroom. After I came back, however, I had a ton of trouble getting to sleep. The reason: my head started spinning endless thoughts again...it's very sad and sometimes aggravating. I tried hard to stop and just go to sleep, but that was not possible. Eventually I calmed down enough to do a puzzle for a short while, got sleepy, and after even more struggle, finally went to sleep again (I think at around 6am). So that wasn't a good start to the morning, isn't it? Especially when I'm scheduled to wake up at 7.

And then there was the Sunday service. Oh boy...yikes. First, I didn't receive the lyrics for the songs. Second, the usual projector was broken, so we had to use the alternate projector up at the front. Third, they were madly typing up the lyrics as the service had started...we barely got the first song in before it ended. The second song was a miss. The third song, well, let's just say I ran back and forth between the typer and the projector way too many times...eventually got it in, but the words were too small. Eventually, we had used 3 laptops to operate the entire sequence. That was just horrible...and very embarrassing for me to run around like a mad man or something. Sigh...I ended up getting myself back into the isolation booth and never appeared.

After the service, we had the usual refreshment gathering thingie, and then several of us went off to Duke of Wellington for lunch (or breakfast). Once again, we made a spectacle of ourselves, with some girls screaming like someone's been murdered. The rest of us pretended that we were not with them... I think I made Alice angry or something, but I don't really want to think about it. I spent a lot of time with Samuel, and it was good to be able to talk to him in a relaxed form again. I had this egg benedict thingie, and it was all good except the ham was quite overcooked in the sense that there were too many burnt marks on it...I tried to ingest it, but eventually gave up. The nice thing about it, though, is the assorted fruit portion, which is a nice change to my diet for once. But now I'm hungry already...hmm...

So there was this fellowship thingie. I think Samuel's still purposely avoiding me for some odd reason. But anyway, we had a long long LONG sharing time, and then a long Bible study. Among them, I managed to share my loneliness in the sharing time, and my spiritual doubt in the Bible study. So I guess that's a step forward. Too bad we didn't have any prayers about them, so I just hope that some brave souls would pray for me. 6 of us (then 7) went to Swiss Chalet for dinner, and it was a good dinner. I liked talking to Li Zhen actually...but anyway, I finally got out of my place to eat...finally.

Apparently by missing out on the pre-study yesterday, I managed to miss a dinner with the group, plus the supposedly awesome Lifesong in the evening. Sigh...and there I was, sitting alone in my room, going crazy.

Seriously, for the past 2.5 days, it's been a nightmare for me to live. Mostly living alone, I start to think and think and think, and get myself very depressed, and then go to sleep. I couldn't even contact anyone for fear of bothering people. (There goes my "fear" thing again...) On the other hand, I don't want to be a social animal either, like I wouldn't want to be hanging out with people all the time. But this going all alone thingie is a bit extreme, too...

Today marks the 12th anniversary of my first landing in Canada as a Canadian immigrant. Thinking back to the past 12 years, it's been quite a rollercoaster ride. I've learned a lot, certainly changed a lot, and I'm glad that I've been sent here by my parents.

It's a shame that I tend to remember the embarrassing or bad moments in my life, instead of the good moments.

I see doing puzzles as a form of escape, escaping from the endless cycles of constantly thinking about lots and lots of stuffs. So now I'm starting to wonder if having gotten more puzzle books is a good thing...

I've just wasted another day...what in the world am I doing with my life? Wrecking it, certainly. I couldn't do puzzles forever, you know...and certainly I would go crazy if I keep staying home like this. I really wanted to ask people out for dinner and stuff, but I just didn't have the courage to ask...sigh...just when I thought I had made a tiny breakthrough, I went back to my old self again.

My second stage comprehensive exam is pretty much scheduled for the last week of March. I've picked up something from Marg that tells me what it's about, and I've already had a nightmare about it during my afternoon nap...woah.

My English teacher from high school said that if you read the same thing twice within 48 hours, you are a lot more likely to remember what you read. I guess that's why I don't remember much of what I read...

2 cities, 2.5 hours, 1 airport, 193.8 kilometres. Ok, so that wasn't so exciting, the early morning run to the airport to send mom off. I almost cried, but I seem to do that all the time whenever people leave. Surprisingly, life became really empty once mom left. Usually I leave Thursdays off, and today's no exception. But there was this eerie sense of loneliness and confusion through the entire day. I didn't know what to do except to stay home, sleep, and do puzzles. I don't know...it's kind of strange. I guess I do need human contact everyday, but as much as I wish to get together with friends and stuff, there are so many barriers to it that I simply give up. Sigh...more sighing... On a slightly positive note, even though my mom thinks that I've gained weight since she came here, in reality I lost a bit of weight...81kg now. On another lighter note (heh...lighter...), the total distance travelled since mom was here is about 1000km. It's only an estimate, though, which included 4 trips to Toronto (2 of them to the airport), a trip to Stratford, and numerous trips to Yen's place.

Yes, I do realize that I waste a lot of time everyday. I wish I have the ability to spend time wisely...it's not that I don't know what to do, but I just don't have the will to do it.

It's a good thing that having common interests is not a requirement for friendship, for otherwise, being the peculiar person that I am, I might as well go to prison and live to die there. I guess I'm just jealous of other people who can share their interests among friends, while I could never do that...

Morning: I was once again reminded to love everyone and tried really hard to brainwash myself to stop caring so much about how other people think of me! It is indeed quite a tough start to this supervisor meeting day. Speaking of which, the meeting was earlier than usual due to some new circumstances (got a surprise phone call at around 10:30 to ask me to go meet now). But it was also pretty short, as I discussed the mistake that I've found in an unpublished paper, which supervisor agreed, which made previous future plans futile. But it's all good, I guess.

Afternoon: My office hours are always unnecessarily exciting...3 students came this time around during this extended office hours, for which none came in the second hour...so much for being extended. Evening: I wanted to show March of the Penguins to mom, but the DVD was at Francis' place, so I asked him to deliver it to me. We waited and waited and waited...and suddenly at around 8:30, a group of 5 came in to deliver the DVD. Apparently they've been planning this surprise visit long ago, and the DVD thing was just a coincidence... So anyway, Laura, Clarence, and a gang of three Yens came, and Clarence was forced to eat dinner...heh. Nice surprise, I think. Of course people care when mom's here...once mom's gone, I'll be back to my lonely old self... Mom loved March of the Penguins, which is kind of expected...they're so cute! I liked it better this time around, and plan to buy the soundtrack...hehehe.

Thoughts on mom leaving tomorrow morning: I'm not able to finger my feelings about that. On one hand, it's certainly a relief, and I don't need to have her around all the time, thinking what can she do and stuff...so it should free up some time. On the other hand, I think I'll miss not having meals prepared for me...awwww. Spiritual-wise, I'm regretting not being able to have the courage to actually talk about my problems, even though she was pretty much spot on during one of her chats. Family-wise, I guess this sort of pulls me closer to a family I previously purposely ignored. She's starting to know some of my secretive obsessions, and the reactions weren't too bad. So that lifted the fear a little bit. I still wish she would just stop talking about girlfriends and going to Taiwan...yikes.