Ok, so xp is now only allowed to sleep once per boot. For some reason it always refuses to go to sleep the second time, thus crashing the computer.

Oh, so that proof of Nash-William's theorem isn't THAT difficult...

God is funny. Sometimes infuriatingly funny.

It's funny how it seems that I want to feel sad about myself...

When people say that they believe in the power of prayer, what do they really mean?

I'm now a super middleweight...one weight class higher than before.

I really don't like my "if I don't see you, then I'll probably forget about you" attitude. Sigh... I lost so many friends because of that. In any case, I'll miss you, Paul. I hope I don't forget you.

Alright, here's something that I'm awfully afraid of. I'm always afraid that there would be one thing that I say or do that will make the others mad and break friendships. I think this kind of idea came from a painful experience back in grade 5 or 6 where one day I was good friends with two guys, and the next day they won't talk to me anymore. I guess that's why I can only form friendships cautiously. I have to choose what I say carefully. I think about whether I should do this or not over and over. In other words, I'm very insecure.

Ah, screw the comprehensives. I don't think I can survive PhD anyway.

One story to share at East Side Marios today. So we have a large group of people, around 20. While the waitresses are setting up the tables, I was standing on the side. After a while, one waitress came over and we shared an awkward laugh. A laugh at the frustrations that they simply can't make up their minds on how to set up the tables. She laughingly said, "it's so confusing." I can only agree. Then I decided, I really have to think twice when agreeing to a large gathering in a restaurant. It was quite embarrassing. I hope they were tipped well.

See, when I was growing up, there are things that I believe that are horrendous, but turn out to be common place. Things like watching sports, having weights, and human contact. So I sort of feel like I missed out on something in life. I don't know...I blame it on having grown up in an environment of people who are predominantly female, so I don't know these things. (Yeah, of course I know I can only blame myself...) Anyway, I shall move on.

I desperately need a break. A break from school work. A break from spiritual deadness. A break from sinfulness. A break from my cocoon. A break from being sad and crying everyday.

My childish years are over. I've wasted it. Now stop regretting and get over it. Move on. No, I can't..........

It's hard to fake emotions. And I failed.

Finally the hat is put to some real use. Excellent.

Bowling. Woohoo!
Round 1: Francis 69, Roger 68, Me 80. So I won, surprisingly enough.
Round 2: Francis 53, Roger 93, Me 56. So Roger won, even more surprising.
So apparently there will be vengeance next weekend...if my right hand heals by then...

Got a pair of skates now. That means I will be skating. Well, maybe not. Well, depends on how well I do, I guess. No pushing from others for the first year, I hope.

Another day, another personal flaw discovered.

Yeah, experiencing pain does bring me closer to God, and teach me new things. It's an unfortunate process, but I guess it has to be done.

I'm actually not sure how to handle life anymore, especially the trivial parts of life.

Oh hey, right clicking on desktop now works! Interesting...how did that happen?

I seriously complain too much. I'm slowly becoming the types of people that I don't like. This is so sad... I feel ashamed that everyone else is getting better, while I'm still getting worse.

I have trouble with interpersonal relationships. But then that's pretty obvious.

I read about how wounds are supposed to heal us, and how important proper confession is. Yikes. They hit pretty close to home. Do I really want to be saving face, or do I want to experience saving grace?

If you know how to solve the following xp problem, please let me know: So whenever I right click on the desktop, xp crashes. Simple as that. I guess I really don't need to right click on the desktop anyway, but it would be nice if it is solved.

Ah, having dinner while not hungry. No wonder my ballooning continues...

One good thing about using xp is that music plays continuously on my Millionaire program... There used to be this tiny switch-over silence in between, but now it's gone. Nice.

Today marks the third time that I have made it into a movie theatre to watch a movie. Sort of historic, I guess. Shrek 2 certainly doesn't disappoint. It is slightly predictable. Not as intensive as the first one, but still very very good. I like the MI reference...they got a ton of money to get that theme in for sure.

All of a sudden, we get a new microwave in the house...and a new vacuum cleaner...

Ah, I wish more people would play with me when I was younger...

Woohoo! Internet connection is back! So it wasn't my problem afterall... Thanks, resnet guy!

Ok, now what?

One burden down, tons more to go.

Still no net connection at home. Sigh... Now I'm embarrassed to call the resnet guys again... Yeah, wasted two days on this, and still nothing. Oh well. Maybe I'm destined to use the net in office this term...

The walk to school seems shorter than I thought now.

I can't decide on anything.

Why am I so frustrated with something as trivial as not having internet connection at home? Sigh... I guess this time there's this air of impossibility to it. I mean, we spent a long time upgrading the computer to xp, getting a lot of weird things going on with it, and then still no internet connection. Just very very frustrating. Oh well.

I think I cry too much. I think I mentioned that before.

I'm a chicken. A giant chicken.

Still without internet connection at home. Called the resnet people, they say my connections are fine. I just need to switch to XP...sigh...I've been resisting XP for so long... And why am I so frustrated with something as simple as an internet connection?

If I knew that my supervisor wouldn't be that harsh when I showed up with no work done, I would have enjoyed the Spring camp more. Sigh... Regrets, regrets, regrets.

The Viet housemate bought a TV. I hope this is not my Waterloo...

Back home now...(sort of)

No internet at home, so now I'm in my office, waiting for the dreaded supervisor meeting. Facing the harsh reality.

Lots of tears were shed yesterday. And not just by me. And not because the pastor's sermon was moving.

There are at least several good things that come out of the Spring camp. Certainly God is still working. And testing.

That's a pretty nice thunderstorm. Too bad no tornados. (Oh, wait, but there are whispers of news of tornados in Waterloo...hmm...very very interesting.)

I have to say, I really didn't enjoy the Spring Camp. I like the speakers, but I didn't pay full attention to them. Socially speaking, I didn't get much time to talk to people. Of course my mind went the wrong direction too many times. And there's always this nagging thing about marking, studying and researching that just drove me crazy. I won't say that I wish I didn't come, but it really wasn't all that pleasant. And what's up with Francis anyway?

Yep, I'm no fun. I'm one of those "party poopers"...

Faithless service. Yup, that's me.

I really should stop listening to messages for others, and not pay attention only during stories... It is very very difficult, though.

Sometimes I wish I'm not in PhD just so that people won't say that I'm in PhD as if I'm some kind of superior being, and then sometimes I act like if it is true, which is really bad... That's another reason why it is always awkward when doing self-introductions...

Dundurn Castle. Hamilton Military Museum. Rush Hour 31. Lengthy photo op.

Still awfully awfully depressed.

As far as I know, my interpersonal skills are as large as a grain of sand. So sad. Yeah, I'm very insecure in terms of that.

Rain! Big puddle! Woohoo!

I'm always left behind...guess that's not so important.

The ballooning continues. Yikes. Close to 80kg now.

Blog from away...Hamilton.

Spring camp here. Really really tired. Funny how the "free time" is going to be used for marking, studying, and researching. So sad...

The drive here was interesting. My car was team #3, even though it is believed that we have taken the long route.

Yeah, I can't do any physical activities. I think that was pretty obvious.

Spring camp tomorrow. Not sure I can afford to be there...but...yeah.

I'm probably the world's worst comforter. There's this anguish of seeing a friend in pain, and yet I have no clue how to be of comfort...

Finally found a store that caters to me...

I now have a driver's license on my wall. Cool. The era of "Minota Hagey University" is officially over.

Perhaps colouring isn't as bad as I thought it was...at least it seems easier than topics like planarity and connectivity. And I think I'm going for the "minimum counterexample" route for a few of these theorems... Speaking of which, I am a minimum counterexample for the Mean Value Theorem.

I signed up for gmail. Yeah, I'm a sucker for free email addresses. Now I have 12.

One day into the proposed schedule, and I'm already behind...sigh...

Finally got around to scan one picture...this one.

I'm going to do so much marking and studying and powerpointing at spring camp...woohoo!

Got an email from the editor of the UW Daily Bulletin who says that he found my pictures of the Canada Day celebration at Columbia Lake from last year, and he would like to use it to promote this year's celebration. Hmm...very interesting piece of mail, actually. I'm surprisingly joyful, even though those pictures really aren't that good... Anyway, glad that the photos are being put to use somehow...I have to wonder how does that guy found my page, though...

Finally made a schedule of studying and research and stuff for the rest of the week. Yeah, of course I'm not going to follow the schedule... I should also mention that making a schedule is yet another way of procrastination.

You know, being busy is not good. It takes time away from thinking life's important questions. Like, what is life? Who is God? Why are things that bad? How to face the fact that we are approaching death all the time? Where are the joy and peace that I'm supposed to get?

For some reason, I feel like it's a pain to talk to me... Sorry to people who feel that way.

I suddenly decided to make a 3-course meal for myself today, and almost everything went backwards. The 3 courses are scrambled eggs with soy sauce, spinach, and beef berger. After I finished making two of the three, I found out that I forgot to cook rice...so that kind of delays things a bit. The beef bergers are a bit difficult to cook, and involves a lot more blood than I would have liked. Anyway, it was quite a fulfilling meal, and my ballooning continues.

Why do I always talk about me? There's no point in that, is there?

I wonder if the subject of prayer is highly distorted. From my point of view, many people treat "God answers prayers" as "God does something that I wanted." Sort of a genie-in-a-lamp type thing. It is one of those subjects that I am confused about, quite frankly.

I quote this from, of all places, mathpuzzle.com: Brad Pitt was recently asked about the injury to his Achilles tendon. He damaged it severly enough to cause a delay in shooting, while playing Achilles. "Stupid irony," Pitt mumbled dismissively.

I like this song.

I really can't simultaneously study for the comps and continue with research. That's preposterous.

Seeing the Ridesafe van 3 times on a detoured trip to McD's and back? Especially after we have just talked about it among the brothers moments earlier? Coincidence? Really?

Am I really that untrustworthy? Am I really that pathetic? Am I really that socially incompetent? Am I really that unapproachable? Is the wall in front of me getting thicker and higher? Am I slowly going back to my old cocoon? Why do I see myself base on what others think of me? What does God think of me? Why so many questions?

Apparently I work best at night. Who knew...

Maybe the reason why I don't open up my inner soul so much is because of my pride? Just want to save face? Don't want others to look at me in a different way?

Going to be such an action-packed day today. Not all good, of course, starting with the dreaded supervisor meeting.

32 days till the first comps.

See, I'm constantly in the state of sadness that it doesn't feel much anymore.

Got a partner in research. Woohoo!

Life isn't fair. Get over it. (Quoting from the same book 6 posts below.)

I can't study this at all...too hard...brain not working...couldn't even figure out a simple proof...

Finally saw the fall of RJJ...excellent.

Good to know the parents are doing better now. Better relationships with grandparents. That's nice. Mom told me a lot of heartwarming stories. Man, I'm really cold-hearted, am I not?

In retrospect, sometimes I wish my family had less money and more family time...

I just don't have the ability to express my emotions.

The original plan of going to Hamilton with the fellowship got a surprising detour and landed MuTao and I at the Grand River Hospital. MuTao's back injury occurred again, after exactly 6 months of recovery. This would mark the first time that I didn't attend a fellowship event even though I could have. And spending about 6 hours in hospital is well worth the time, I have to say. Don't know why, I just love this experience. (By the way, it was really funny when the doctor said to MuTao, "You're disabled, man. That's not good.")

Meanwhile, I think I got sick.

Super Millionaire starts again tomorrow. I feel like I'm losing interest in it...

Finally wore something other than blue jeans in public today. Finally got a new hat today. Finally returned something I bought today. Finally decided to switch studying methods for the comps today. Finally giving up on everything else today (well, maybe not).

Still can't believe I did the run-and-walk thing this morning. That was crazy.

I guess I should spend so much time regretting things from the past...

Woke up a bit early today (like, 5:30), so I went for a run-and-walk thing. Of course, if you know me, the "run" part is very very short. It lasted for more than an hour, and took me from the edge of Columbia Lake all the way to Bearinger, and finally going Fischer-Hallman and back. That was a long long trip. Lots of mud for sure. And there are parts of Bearinger that didn't have any room for pedestrians... Anyway, good exercise...probably won't do that again.

Oh, yeah, the sunrise was gorgeous.

I have to wonder if the Lord is hardening my heart on purpose, maybe to let me learn something. I can only wonder, of course.

Boy, it's so hard to pretend to be happy when in fact I'm really sad...

Getting really hot in here...hoping for a relief on Saturday.

If you ask someone to kill you, is that equivalent to suicide? (I had this discussion with someone before...if no, then you go to heaven, the killer can repent and go to heaven...so apparently the answer is yes.)

Just want to quote this from "Your God is Too Safe" by Mark Buchanan. "The worst consequence of losing our imagination, our wonder, is that we no longer see the Christward life as an adventure. We see it as a duty, a chore, a list of dos, don'ts, and how-tos. We think the point of life is to stay as safe and undisturbed as possible."

Being at home all day long is really sleep inducing.

Where am I? That's a good question...

Apparently I spent $35 just to prevent another $626 from going into my VISA account. Was it really worth it? Don't know...

The world is a small place after all...not a wonderful place, though.

Feeling numb. Not unusual, of course.

I've given up trying to find a new hat now.

According to my car, the temperature hit 31 degrees today. So glad to have gotten a fan today, eh?

I guess my dream will never come true.

Supervisor meeting went surprisingly well, actually.

Accidentally found out that my current research topic, monotone paths, abbreviates to my initials.

I have a lot of time to waste at school today, apparently.

One thing I don't like is to get a "whatever" as an icq message. It usually signals that I did something completely stupid.

Oh, man, the WPC qualifying test is on the exact same date as the convocation... I'm seriously screwed...

Long long day ahead today...might not come home for 12 hours...

The townhouse passed the test with flying colours today. My room remained quite cool even with the 25 degree temperature outside. I guess the huge winds helped a lot...

I didn't do much work. Going to be so embarrassed in the supervisor meeting...

Glad to talk to Eugene and Francis on icq. Good guys. Yeah, we all have problems.

Ok, so as a follow up to the post below, I'm officially asking everyone to worry about me. I don't think I can handle my mind...

I have another problem about having problems. There's one side of me that is saying that I should just give it all up to God. But then there's another side of me that likes having these problems... Oh the contradictions... (Mathematically, I think I can prove that my mind does not exist.)

Maybe staying at home is not such a good idea...

Why is it that lots of people ask me not to worry about them?

Not doing any work. And I'm supposed to do some.

Just made 5 copies of mesister's recital CD. I think 3 of them have been reserved...so if you want one and have not reserved it, let me know.

Big day today. Why? Supervisor meeting tomorrow and I did close to nothing the past week! Sigh...back to my old form.

Now that I have to eat my meals in a dining room instead of in front of my computer, I find that my meal time has reduced greatly. That's the good news. The bad news is that now I eat so fast that sometimes my stomach can't take it...

Yeah, this page got a face lift of some sort. Hopefully it isn't too bad... At least the blue background fits with the "sky" theme... I'm now using the new commenting system here...please do leave your name when commenting. Thanks!

Thunderstorm. Woohoo!

Want to test if the new blogging commenting system works... (Ok, the new ones don't work, so I'm keeping the old system...) Speaking of testing, this townhouse without an air conditioner will be seriously tested when temperature hits the expected 25 degrees tomorrow...

Lots of exercise today...good.

Hmm...maybe I should ask MuTao to come to my place more often...

That was a pretty good lunch, actually, at the Duke of Wellington. Corn beef hash and "assorted fruits"...nice.

You know, I like the human touch and physical contact, but Aaron went a bit too far, I think..........

Thank God, MuTao's alive!

Apparently I am a mean person (according to some people anyway).

Mom called on Mom's Day. She's not happy. (No, not about me...)

There are so many things that are running through my head that I just wish I would just die right now and forget about it all...(or if there's a way to forget it all without dying, that would be even better.) Oh Lord, help me.

I think the first item pretty much sums it all up, so I don't need a second item...

...nor a third item...

Got a surprise pre-Bible study thing this morning. It was nice when Paul and I were discussing things. But when the third guy showed up (50 minutes late, I might add), things went a bit sour. Let's just say it's one thing to feel unpleasant, but it's another thing to make others unpleasant about it.

Once again, I'll be doing a Bible study on something which I have failed miserably.

The walk from my place to Paul's place: about 33 minutes.

What is so surprising to me is that if you ask me if I would like to move back to Minota Hagey if I get the chance, my answer would be no. Boy, that's such a huge change of attitude on my part, isn't it?

I'm getting more and more confused these days... The more Christian books I read, the more confused I am about it all. The more time I spent thinking about myself, the more confused I feel about who I am. The deeper that I go into graph theory, the more I wondered if it is all a triviality.

Oh, yeah, I do have very dark secrets of my own. I wouldn't believe you if you don't have at least one...

The trip to Toronto was really nice. Started off with a 2-hour-long hot pot lunch. Then salivating over things we cannot buy in PacMall. A visit to Big Land landed some daily sort-of-necessity for us. The long long long trip back with traffic jam was only made better because I was not alone. In total, the trip lasted around 9 hours and the usual 250km (approximately).

Congratulations, car, for hitting the big 12K! We missed your 11K hit, so I guess we will be celebrating your kilometrestones every 2K... In any case, you hit it right by the beautiful Pearson Airport. Good job! That's 25 days for the 2K. Getting there pretty quickly, eh?

With the boom in consumerism, one wonders why there are so few stores that caters to people such as myself... Ok, sure, I'm a really strange person. So that explains it, I guess...

Just realized that I only came back from Vancouver a week ago. Man, it's been a long long week...

Finally gas prices reached Vancouver-level: 89.9 yesterday.

Time to waste some gas. Going to Toronto today.

I can do jump rope in the new place...nice.

Finished reading this book Soul Survivor by Philip Yancey today. It hits very close to home, at least for me. It also talks about some of the things that I have been recently thinking about. It is a very good book, in my opinion. A bit long, but well worth the read.

Back down to a depression again. Nothing new, I guess.

I was just thinking about the Ten Commandmends (yes, I know it's in Exodus 20, but what's the point of knowing this, though?). I think that I consistently break at least seven of them all the time. Sigh...

It's really hard to study for exams that are 6 weeks away...

This new place isn't too bad, actually. At least in terms of cooking, it's much easier. So expect me to balloon soon...

I sounded funny yesterday.

I'm a lot better now (sickness-wise). Mental-wise, still bad.

Going to do a lot of work today. No, I don't think that's possible.

Time to walk from the new place to my office: 22 minutes. This is certainly shorter than I thought, but next time, I'll bring a hat. Going eastward in the morning and coming westward in the afternoon won't do me any good with the sun.

Had a nice almost-window-shopping trip. Plan from now on: study in the morning, have fun in the afternoon, and sleep at night. Hmm...that sounds almost like my plans from the previous semesters...just differing in the "morning"...

Apparently supervisor wants me to study for the comprehensive exam and go on with research at the same time. Hmm...not sure if one morning a day is going to work.

The moving is complete.

I'm still sick.

Marks for last semester are up now. Integer programming: 93. Designs: 94. Very good. Thank God for pulling me through the obstacles of the semester!

Well, this would be my last night in Minota Hagey. It's been great, but increasingly deteriorating. So long, farewell, adios, etc. Hello Columbia Lake Townhouse...

Packing. Is. Hard. Especially since I was sick... Threw out a ton of stuff, so mom should be happy, sort of. With MuTao here, though, it went a lot smoother and was much easier. Thanks, man!

Hmm...so recently the subject of jealousy came up in my mind and is still constantly bothering me. This is another one of those things where I used to think, "oh, this doesn't apply to me..." Well, unfortunately it does...