I have lots of thoughts running through my head on this...hopefully I'll be coherent in the following.
This morning, while I was waiting for the computer to slowly scan itself, I decided to continue my reading of the book Authentic Faith by Gary Thomas. I was reading chapter 2, which is on selflessness. Well, during the kwcacmyfbbs this semester, I constantly teach that after the fall, we need to turn our focus of self toward a focus for God. That's what I teach, and that's what I didn't do. Reading this chapter really just hits me. I am a really selfish person, am I not? On the surface, it seems like I'm all helping and all giving, and apparently a bit selfless. But, on the inside, I'm still a very selfish person. This topic was briefly brought up, coincidentally, last night during our dinner with Peter. Peter mentioned that when he first got here, a couple of people said he was quite selfish, so he changed his ways. For me, I was told the same thing while I was in elementary school (possibly grade 1), and I changed my ways. So it seems like we act unselfishly just because other people said we are selfish, while I am still incredibly selfish on the inside.
Take, for example, my involvement in the fellowship. Why do I do so little in this fellowship? Because I refuse to do things that I don't like to do. Leading worship? No. Leading prayer? No. Be the chair? No. I have this glorified reason that everybody has different gifts from God, and we shouldn't ask someone to do something if God has not given this gift to him. Well, that's just a grand excuse for not doing things that I don't want to do. So why do I lead games? Because I like games! Why do I do PowerPoint stuff? Because I like playing with it! On one hand, that is good, but on the other hand, I am supposed to be serving God, not serving my self interest.
Another example would be my current struggle with finding a PhD supervisor. Why am I having such a tough time? Because I don't know what I want to do. So instead of asking God for direction (and quite frankly, God usually does not just say it out loud in a megaphone what He wants you to do), I just asked profs, friends, and family, and got myself even more confused as to what I should do.
Yet another example. I try to help people whenever they need it. If someone needs a ride, most often I would just go off in my car and give that person a ride. If someone needs help moving tables and chairs, I go and help move tables and chairs. If someone needs help with some homework problem, I go and do my best to help that person with the homework. If someone needs emotional support, I try to listen to his problems and attempt to give advice. Well, it all sounds great, except when it comes to my motivation for doing that. The "traditional" motivation for this is that I love because God first loved me. Well, that's great, except that is not the primary motivation. The primary motivation is that I'm afraid to be called selfish again, and actually, I feel good when helping people and seeing other people do better. There's this self-satisfying thing attached to it. I feel like I have accomplished something. And that's where the problems lie. To help others primarily for my own benefit? Not really good, isn't it?
Final example, and this is quite personal. I am in a deep friendship with MuTao. In particular for this semester, he needed a ton of help, so I provided as much help as I can (subject to the previous paragraph, apparently). If I listed all the times that I have helped him, I think you would be terrifyingly amazed. And providing help to him is something that I am very happy to do. He seems like a nice guy, and apparently I am the only one he would like to approach (in Waterloo anyway), so that's great. Also, he gets to know a lot about me that nobody else knows. So basically whenever I'm with him, I can just be myself. And that's one primary reason why I spend so much time with him: I enjoy that. Well, throughout this semester, I get to know some of his problems as well. Some of these problems are quite disturbing, and it has been my personal mission to help guide him to the correct pathway before major disaster strikes. Unfortunately, I have never been able to bring up these problems to him. Why is that? Because I am afraid that if I do bring up these issues, our friendship might be over, and I don't want that to happen. I've never had such a deep friendship before, and I just don't want to lose it so quickly. So I ask myself this question: what am I in this friendship for? And right now, the answer apparently is that I'm in this friendship more for my benefit than his. And that's the sad truth.
Ok, I think I've rambled on long enough. Personally, I wish I can change my selfishness to selflessness myself, but I know that's not possible. The only way to change is through prayer. A ton of it.
P.S. Nice thoughts for a Christmas Eve, eh?
This morning, while I was waiting for the computer to slowly scan itself, I decided to continue my reading of the book Authentic Faith by Gary Thomas. I was reading chapter 2, which is on selflessness. Well, during the kwcacmyfbbs this semester, I constantly teach that after the fall, we need to turn our focus of self toward a focus for God. That's what I teach, and that's what I didn't do. Reading this chapter really just hits me. I am a really selfish person, am I not? On the surface, it seems like I'm all helping and all giving, and apparently a bit selfless. But, on the inside, I'm still a very selfish person. This topic was briefly brought up, coincidentally, last night during our dinner with Peter. Peter mentioned that when he first got here, a couple of people said he was quite selfish, so he changed his ways. For me, I was told the same thing while I was in elementary school (possibly grade 1), and I changed my ways. So it seems like we act unselfishly just because other people said we are selfish, while I am still incredibly selfish on the inside.
Take, for example, my involvement in the fellowship. Why do I do so little in this fellowship? Because I refuse to do things that I don't like to do. Leading worship? No. Leading prayer? No. Be the chair? No. I have this glorified reason that everybody has different gifts from God, and we shouldn't ask someone to do something if God has not given this gift to him. Well, that's just a grand excuse for not doing things that I don't want to do. So why do I lead games? Because I like games! Why do I do PowerPoint stuff? Because I like playing with it! On one hand, that is good, but on the other hand, I am supposed to be serving God, not serving my self interest.
Another example would be my current struggle with finding a PhD supervisor. Why am I having such a tough time? Because I don't know what I want to do. So instead of asking God for direction (and quite frankly, God usually does not just say it out loud in a megaphone what He wants you to do), I just asked profs, friends, and family, and got myself even more confused as to what I should do.
Yet another example. I try to help people whenever they need it. If someone needs a ride, most often I would just go off in my car and give that person a ride. If someone needs help moving tables and chairs, I go and help move tables and chairs. If someone needs help with some homework problem, I go and do my best to help that person with the homework. If someone needs emotional support, I try to listen to his problems and attempt to give advice. Well, it all sounds great, except when it comes to my motivation for doing that. The "traditional" motivation for this is that I love because God first loved me. Well, that's great, except that is not the primary motivation. The primary motivation is that I'm afraid to be called selfish again, and actually, I feel good when helping people and seeing other people do better. There's this self-satisfying thing attached to it. I feel like I have accomplished something. And that's where the problems lie. To help others primarily for my own benefit? Not really good, isn't it?
Final example, and this is quite personal. I am in a deep friendship with MuTao. In particular for this semester, he needed a ton of help, so I provided as much help as I can (subject to the previous paragraph, apparently). If I listed all the times that I have helped him, I think you would be terrifyingly amazed. And providing help to him is something that I am very happy to do. He seems like a nice guy, and apparently I am the only one he would like to approach (in Waterloo anyway), so that's great. Also, he gets to know a lot about me that nobody else knows. So basically whenever I'm with him, I can just be myself. And that's one primary reason why I spend so much time with him: I enjoy that. Well, throughout this semester, I get to know some of his problems as well. Some of these problems are quite disturbing, and it has been my personal mission to help guide him to the correct pathway before major disaster strikes. Unfortunately, I have never been able to bring up these problems to him. Why is that? Because I am afraid that if I do bring up these issues, our friendship might be over, and I don't want that to happen. I've never had such a deep friendship before, and I just don't want to lose it so quickly. So I ask myself this question: what am I in this friendship for? And right now, the answer apparently is that I'm in this friendship more for my benefit than his. And that's the sad truth.
Ok, I think I've rambled on long enough. Personally, I wish I can change my selfishness to selflessness myself, but I know that's not possible. The only way to change is through prayer. A ton of it.
P.S. Nice thoughts for a Christmas Eve, eh?
posted by martin at
9:26 AM
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