At some point, one would seriously believe that anyone that has any business that has anything to do with cars is a scammer. Ok, so I still couldn’t get over my big repair bill…I hate my car now, want to sell it off, but……….

Did a two-hour tutorial on basic graph theory to a few electrical engineers. They want more practical stuffs, which, well, isn’t what graph theory is about… I also almost had whiteboard-pen poisoning.

I’m remembering a few game shows that I have created in my head…now if only I can turn them into reality…highly unlikely, as always with anything I do.

For the first time in my life, I had a legitimate (i.e. >0.01%) shot at winning US$100K, or at least a very feasible (i.e. >30%) shot at winning US$90, all for free*. So what do I do? Less than half an hour into the game, all in, QQ < KK, game over. I was doing quite well before that, picking up small to medium pots here and there, managed to chip up nicely, and then blew it all on one hand. Thus is another metaphor for my life, I guess.

My legs are nearly crippled after two consecutive days of long walks to school. Mostly on my right leg, though, with pains in the knee and ankle areas. A slip on the ice during one of those walks certainly didn’t help things along…

* “free” means using 20fpp and 2 hours of time to satellite into the tournament. So…essentially free, unless you believe that time = huge amounts of money.

Even if I have reason to be joyful, I sink back and decide to be depressed anyway…

Wow…$1.1K in car maintenance and repair… As much as it is painful, I felt surprisingly calm and peaceful inside me. But still…it bites.

I guess the work is really starting now. I won’t like it.

There is so much mental anguish running through my mind these days. It’s a train wreck of thoughts and circumstances and desires that are fueling this terrible pain. So what are these things? Pretty silly actually… Not wanting to do anything related to me getting paid is one thing. The impending trip to car maintenance is another. Getting really really old really really fast is…well…getting old. Not going outside is apparently not a good thing. And so much more… The usual paralyzing effects are in full swing.

Not doing well physically, either…feeling colder than normal, even in this cold house.

Having repeated nightmares about missing flights don’t help.

The way I waste so much time just makes me want to vomit. Or maybe I just had a bad lunch.

I absolutely want to avoid the paper that my supervisor asked me to do for a year now… Ever since she brought it up again last week, it has paralyzed me further, causing me to stop doing things that I thought were more important.

New music that I accidentally heard and liked: The Hours Suite by Philip Glass. I heard movement 3 on CBC’s internet radio, and was just blown away. Too bad I couldn’t find that recording… So I guess now I’m a minimalist?

Being depressed is one thing. I take it up to another level by getting depressed over why I was depressed in the first place.

Of course the worst thing about being depressed is seeing other people acting so happy.

I have this “don’t care” attitude that’s permeating throughout everything. I don’t think that’s good.

Student evaluations from last semester’s teaching: When I was told “it’s good for first time teaching,” I think that meant “it’s barely acceptible, but since you are new, it could be just ok.”

Future: Does my future so dependent on a single paper that I am so unwilling to write?

Home alone: Nobody wants to come live with me in this igloo.