…sort of, again. This would be another blogging first for me…this is the highest above-ground elevation I’ve ever been in typing up a post. I’m at the 49th floor of the tallest building in Kaohsiung, and it feels weird being so high up here. The day was plagued entirely by me being sick and unable to do stuffs. We did go to the southernmost point of Taiwan, and that was interesting. In Kaohsiung, we met up with my aunt and uncle and had a dinner full of strange seafood…heh. Anyway, I guess it’s good that I’m sick, so that I don’t have to enjoy the trip anyway. The year is ending soon…so quick. So much has happened this year…

…sort of. Well, more driving for the past two days, and I got sick. Goody…makes the trip even worse. I’m at a point where I just don’t want to go anywhere anymore… Will I ever have any good news on this trip? Probably…not. Man, this sounds so depressing.

Instant update: Stepped outside in Kenting now, and I felt a bit better. I guess tiredness and sickness and hunger do have undesirable effects on the mind… Had a nice meal with seafood pizza. Walked around the night market was ok, I guess…the surprising thing is that I bought something and mesister didn’t…heh. I got a couple of puzzling cubes. The wind here is just huge! And I enjoyed it greatly. From windy roads to windy weather…interesting.

We took a harrowing 4-hour journey from Taipei to Hualien last night. That’s from 8pm to 12am. First through long tunnels, and then through treacherous roads, winding up and down the cliffs of the mountains while escaping from oncoming huge trucks. All while I was dead tired and was in a half-asleep half-awake mode. We (except for me) witnessed a serious car accident, and ran over a cat ourselves…but we did come to the hotel safely, which is a good thing. The hotel is gorgeous, and the view isn’t too bad, either. But I wasn’t enjoying it at all…I’m still in this bad mood thingie, and nothing can lift me out of it, it seems. Sigh… Anyway, heading south again today, and we’ll be heading into recent earthquake zone…wooo.

Going off to a 5-day round-the-island trip starting tonight. I’m still quite depressed over almost everything. Just want to get out of this island as quickly as possible…sigh…

I’m easily overwhelmed, it seems. I can’t get my national ID changed. I can’t even complete something as simple as buying shoes.

Holiness. That’s what I need.

Worst. Christmas. Ever.

Well, might as well start with today, then. It’s Christmas Eve, and I felt absolutely depressed (nothing new, I guess). It started with a startling earthquake in the middle of the night (around 2am)…it would have been even more startling had I not somehow woke up a minute before the earthquake hit (I still don’t know why I woke up, though). After I woke up, I couldn’t go to sleep, so I ended up trying to satisfy my fleshly desires, and ended up pushing too far, which is bad. The church thing was a blur, as I wasn’t paying attention. I think there was a lot of music, but I don’t remember. The language barrier doesn’t help with the other stuffs, either. It’s nice to talk to old friends again, but I don’t know what to say anymore. Slept through the afternoon since I still couldn’t overcome jetlag. Went to Jackson and Rebecca’s wedding banquet in the evening, and it was good. The couple is still lovely, and I’m so glad to see Rebecca’s parents. For some reason, the speakers keep saying about having kids soon…and I’m like, what? Anyway, my mood was bad, and even a simple task of taking photographs became a pain. Anyway, it’s Christmas Eve, I’m supposed to be full of joy, instead I went crazy. I wonder if it was worth coming to Taiwan to begin with…I’m guessing the answer would be no.

Random notes…

• This is the first time I’ve spent Christmas in Taiwan in 12 years, and I’m a bit surprised at how much attention that Christmas is getting. Granted, most of the attention were (as MaxFungo said) on capitalistic opportunities, but even the news cover a lot of strange Christmas stories and stuff. So I would think this is fertile ground for getting the gospel out there. On the other hand, I feel there’s something lacking in this festive atmosphere…probably it’s this lack of holiday time, I guess…I mean, they’re still going to work and school on Christmas day, let alone Christmas week…anyway, this is all a bit strange to me.
• One good thing about Taiwan: a regular airing of Globe Trekker on Discovery Living & Travel channel. Ian Wright rocks.
• The changes around me and the imminent future are just too overwhelming for me…I can’t handle them. I want to just lie down and say, forget it, I don’t want to move forward, you can go on without me.
• Almost all the time when I’m with my family, I want to get away.
• I find that spiritual deprivation is a lot more painful than physical one. That’s what I’m experiencing right now.

I’m grateful to God for…

• meeting old friends from church;
• a stern reminder about controlling lust;
• keeping me safe thus far in the trip;
• surprisingly giving me a cable connecting the camera with the computer; and
• the safe earthquake.

It’s been a while…and it’s been a whirlwind of sorts. So what happened? More procrastination. But not too much, since I finally got a silly report done (which took way too long and required Carlos’ help to rescue me from the despair). Meanwhile, I started reading the Bible again, but at the same time I started to pay too much attention to tempting desires again…coincidence? There was this final exam thing which I found out that I didn’t need to proctor for (which is too bad), and spent 4.5 hours marking this afternoon under very woozy conditions. There was a myf coworkers meeting, but it was like I wasn’t there, which is not bad, I guess. Meanwhile, I’m preparing (or not) to leave for Taiwan tomorrow. I kind of don’t want to go, really…I just want to hang out with friends here…I’m certainly not emotionally prepared to make this trip, since so many things were going on here…

Random notes…

• I haven’t watched J! for a while, but did watch it once this week, and this clue is really good: “Project Gutenberg’s list of the 1st 100,000 of these runs from 1 to 1,318,699 (though some say 1 may not be one).”
• After officemate Tony’s enumeration exam, we were in the office and we started working on a “number pointing” puzzle. And it was fun, actually, to be able to work together and figure out each step logically. Good to be friends with people who have a common interest…this has been so lacking in my life.
• I always leave the packing until the very last moment, don’t I? Looks like this time won’t be the exception. I’m just so tired right now… I wish I can get some sleep on the plane.
• It’s the Christmas season again, and I’m looking at it with a new perspective this time around…but unfortunately, what it does is elevating my doubts and confusions about Christ…so I don’t know.
• What? I am Time’s Person of the Year for 2006? Impossible.

I’m grateful to God for…

• carrying me through these days of busyness;
• calming me down a bit so I don’t panic over minor things;
• rebuking me over and over again through reading His words, but at the same time giving me encouragement to come back to Him;
• the friends that He has given me, for which I do treasure; and
• providing with more than what I need to live.

Yesterday: I think I have built up too much aggression in me that I really needed some release… So, there was squash in the morning in David (while Betty’s taking an exam…heh). It was tiring, but that wasn’t enough, so after a nap in the afternoon, I went to Aaron’s place and played around with some combative sports. And I felt much better. And I couldn’t walk properly after that… Today: The thing about “violence breeds violence” applies to me… I only needed to type up a silly thing today, but I wasn’t able to do it. Instead, I procrastinate by doing puzzles, talking to officemates, playing warfish, and walking around for no reason.

Random notes…

• Three people told me to not think too much within a span of a week…so maybe there is something to it? But really, I can’t stop the overthinking…I don’t want to think too much, but somehow I kept on going anyway.
• I was zooming through Hebrews recently, and got this from chapter 6:
  

  Therefore, leaving the discussion of the elementary principles of Christ, let us go on to perfection, not laying again the foundation of repentance from dead works and of faith towards God, of the doctrine of baptisms, of laying on of hands, of resurrection of the dead, and the eternal judgment. And this we will do if God permits.

  And I was thinking…these days, I went back down to trying to figure out and experience the very basic ideas of Christianity, because it seems that I don’t know anything…sigh…

• Woooo…I finally figured out how to read Chinese on my fake msn… Usually Chinese characters show up as little boxes…but if I copy that and paste it in notepad (or just paste it in the conversation window and then turn the font into a regular one), then I can read it. Excellent.

I’m grateful to God for…

• the physical exercise and the release of some physical aggression;
• really keeping me on the positive side when struggling with temptations, even though it’s still very hard;
• msn conversations with Leonard and Wayne;
• continually listening to my idiotic complaints to Him; and
• leading me through my life (even when I don’t notice) day after day after day.

Looks like I’m way behind on the logging, so just quick synopses now… Friday: Bonus supervisor meeting in the morning, where I finally met Niel. Found out that I got a $1,000 bonus for next term…and also got the same TA as this term. I’m not sure if I want to be head TA again… I decided that I shouldn’t be doing nothing in the evening, so I went to Ed’s place to play some Wii and also watch 1 vs 100, where we boo-ed the contestant who was too cocky. Saturday: The usual unproductiveness for the morning and early afternoon. The myf sharing event went longer than we expected, which is kind of nice. Kai and Sophie came for the first time…yay! Forest’s birthday thingie was funny. Dinner was kind of embarrassing since the people (i.e. the girls) were way too loud, and the dinner went way too long.

Sunday: Two services again, where the theme of Christmas came up, and I felt lost. I got the feeling that instead of worshipping God in the services, I was more focused on myself, and that’s bad. Afternoon bonus of taking Kai and Sophie to Conestoga briefly, before returning to get Li Zhen and Penny to New City Supermarket and eat dim sum at Cameron. Dim sum was excellent, but I didn’t know it was that expensive…oops. Afternoon nothingness and evening prayer meeting rounded out the day. Monday: The snow has melted. Got yet another late start to supervisor meeting day. I did get some writing done… During the meeting, we had this depressing conversation about what could I be doing after graduation…yikes. It was the last meeting for the year, though…so that’s kind of nice. Evening in-depth Bible study/listening once again reminded me how poor I am doing spiritually…

I’m grateful to God for…

• constantly asking me to return to Him;
• the surprising bonus pay for next term;
• the connection and fellowship with many brothers and sisters;
• the fast spiritual growth of Li Zhen; and
• helping me with last-minute research for the entire year.

Thursday: The Toronto trip ended up being 12 hours, 5 cities, 279.1 kilometres. So David and I left at around 10am, and promptly hit a major traffic jam when approaching 401, and on the 401. Initially we were thinking of turning back…but the weather’s so nice, so we went forward anyway. Seeing lots of trucks lined up one after another was quite a sight. First task in Toronto: eat lunch! This was at the Emperor King place, and we were way too full (especially with that giant bowl of congee). Some leftovers to bring back for Betty…heh. Next stop: Seed Press Christian bookstore. And it’s a surprisingly good store, I have to say. Third stop: Metro Square, where I finally confirmed that I do get a hotel room in Vancouver when I fly to Taiwan…yay! Bowling was next, and David soundedly beat me in all three games…boo. We played a shooting video game afterwards, but I still suck at this kind of thing, of course… Went to T&T for the standard shopping, and then off to dinner…with Leonard! Yeah, it’s great to see Leonard again, and we had yet another very full meal…heh. Looks like I’ll have to lose some weight afterwards… The snow started falling at that time, and after getting gas (at an amazing 77.5 while Waterloo’s still doing 88.3), we headed home. Good trip.

Random notes…

• It was a very cold day, but I’m just very thankful that we had bright sunshine for most of the day. Meanwhile, there’s a snowfall warning from London to Barrie, and we escaped the storm just barely…they had around 50cm total…yikes. Also thankful that I just missed this giant snow storm in the trip to London. The timing is amazing.
• At the Christian bookstore, I had this desire that I really want to get every book and read it all. But then I remembered that I still have a ton of books waiting for me to read, including the one they called The Bible…so yeah. Kind of sad to realize that I don’t read books as much as before.
• Bowling scores:
  

  Round 1: Me 82 (1 spare 1 strike), David 120 (5 spares).
  Round 2: Me 87 (2 spares), David 155 (3 spares, 3 strikes).
  Round 3: Me 109 (3 spares, 1 strike), David 119 (3 spares, 1 strike).

  So of course I got my donkey kicked… Is there any sport where I can beat David?

• During the dinner conversation with Leonard, he mentioned that the way that I talks is like Jackson. And David agrees. Hmm…really? I never knew that. Is that a good thing? Heh…maybe it’s just that Jackson and I are older…I don’t know.
• David and I talked a lot during our drive home. We talked about warfish, relationships and friendships, which went a little deeper than normal conversations, and I liked that. One thing that came up is how I missed a lot by using fake msn…because I can’t read the “notes” that people put under their names. So that’s how I was so shocked when Samuel suddenly showed up in Waterloo a couple of weeks ago… These days, all the guys seem to have girlfriends, and it’s hard to get any conversations with just the guys…but this was good.

I’m grateful to God for…

• the wonderful weather, which is such a bonus;
• His protection in the driving, especially during three close calls;
• the connection with David, and the joy in seeing Leonard again;
• giving me enough energy to keep up through the day; and
• helping me realize that there is so much more that I don’t know about Him.

Wednesday: The London trip ended up being 21 hours and 243.8 kilometres. The day started early because we were supposed to go out for a fancy breakfast. But then we woke up slightly too late, and Jackson needed to work, so I went back to bed. Woke up at around 10 to find snow falling, which made me slightly nervous. Rebecca was up as well, and she made a nice bowl of noodles for me. We chatted for a while before and during the meal. Topics included in the chat: how Jackson and Rebecca met, how my parents met, and things that I forgot…oops. She sometimes paused for a brief moment before recalling what my name is…heh. Anyway, I left at around 11 under heavy snow, but very little snow on the ground…until I hit Waterloo, and the driving condition was not good…so looks like I avoided one big snow storm there. Went home, cleaned myself, then rushed to school for office hour. Nobody came to the office hour, but I got hit with several emails from a fellow TA who was reporting errors in my solutions…turns out that I made so many copy and arithmetic mistakes on that solutions…yikes. Came home, with very little rest, then went back out for the mccf end-of-term meeting. It was 2+ hours, and it wasn’t too bad, I guess. And that’s it for the day.

Random notes…

• Jackson & Rebecca’s place is kind of small and simple, with not much decorations and distractions, which feels good. My bed for the night was very warm, and is right beside the nice gas fireplace.
• So there was once when I was visiting Vancouver (probably in the Spring of 2004?), and my sister and I visited Jackson’s place since we live close by (a few minutes walking). We saw Terrell and May there, but apparently we also saw Rebecca there…very interesting. I had a vague recollection of a person named Rebecca, but I have totally forgotten about it. Now I have to find the photos I have from that meeting to see if she’s really in there… Very interesting connections there!
• Apparently because I came back late, I missed a very interesting lunch gathering of C&O grads. Awww… The story goes, when officemate Tony asked me what’s the best Chinese place in the plaza, and I said Home Garden. He went the day before, and enjoyed it, especially the egg…heh. So for this day, he had a graph theory exam, and after the exam, he brought 5 other people to Home Garden as well! I thought that was kind of funny…and he went so that he can eat the egg again! Ah…Tony is so funny… Anyway, I’m slightly disappointed with this lunch where two Tonys and one Robin was in it…oh well, there’s always a next time, I guess.
• At the mccf meeting, I’m slightly dismayed at Jeff’s insistence on having a “discussion based” Bible study in mccf. Not that discussion based is bad, but he wants to exclude all possible element of teacher-student thing… It’s all a bit confusing, I guess, but really, one cannot learn a lot just by discussions… He claims that this would also reduce the workload of the leaders, but that just doesn’t feel right… Besides this, Jeff also wants to get rid of the prayer meeting, and that kind of angered me slightly…we all tried to convince him otherwise, but he still thought it’s something that’s useless, I don’t know. Anyway, more communication is needed, I guess.
• Two trips in 3 days? During snow season? I must be crazy!

I’m grateful to God for…

• His protection in the driving during the trip to London;
• the love that Jackson and Rebecca have shown;
• keeping me calm in the hectic afternoon schedule;
• leading us in having a fruitful mccf meeting; and
• giving me a sense of peace and calm for the moment.

Monday: Of course I was doing supervisor meeting stuffs… I even started later than usual, like 11. I ended up somehow managed to solve another grad student’s research problem and not my own…oops. But that other problem is so much more fun, though… Anyway, the meeting was fine because of this, and meanwhile, there’s an unsolved recursion in my research problem. After the meeting, I didn’t go home, actually…slept in the office while waiting for the evening in-depth Bible study/listening. It was a tough one, about praising God. I can only think, man, do I know God at all? How come my daily life is so Godless, in a sense? Why do I keep complaining about Him? How come I never really praise Him? Sigh…anyway, that was it for the tough day.

Tuesday: Planned visit to Jackson & Rebecca’s place. But first, I had to distribute the assignments, and that was fast and ok, I guess. I’m thankful that the weather has cleared (it was snowing the day before). Arrived at an empty house at around 5:30. Jackson came a bit later and we went to pick up Rebecca. Dinner was at a Peking Duck place (apparently one of Samuel’s favourites), and it was really good. Jackson then took us for a surprise shopping…or rather, surprise for Rebecca to be shopping during final exam period, and just window shopping. Came back to their place and flipped through their wedding photos…and awww…these photos are so lovely! (Well, except for that funnily disturbing picture of Samuel and Christine…hmm…) Wish I was there…but it’s too late. We read the Bible and prepared to sleep. I was just sitting on my bed thinking about stuffs, and it’s like if God has called Jackson and he came in to talk to me alone. At first I was reluctant to say anything, but eventually talked to him about many painful experiences this past year. We had a long chat, and it was good. This is something that I have hoped (but didn’t believe) would happen… There is a sense of relief that I haven’t felt in a while. I think we went to bed at around 1am…

I’m grateful to God for…

• helping me with the short time of research;
• the heartbreaking Bible study Monday evening;
• the clear weather during my drive to London;
• the generosity of Jackson and Rebecca in welcoming me; and
• this wonderful opportunity to talk to Jackson.

Cold, cold day. But still not that cold, I guess…it is the first time this season that I’ve put full warmth protection gear on. Heavy snow started late in the evening, so that didn’t interfere with most of the day’s activities, which is good. Speaking of the day’s activities, it started out with cfc that is David-Betty-less (they overslept…). Then rushed to kwcac for Harry’s baptism. I don’t know, somehow these baptisms warm my heart quite a bit… Met Jackson & Rebecca afterwards, and decided that I would visit them Tuesday afternoon. Yay! Lunch at the green place. We used the excuse of Harry’s baptism as going for lunch, but really, we’re all just want to eat some food. Went to Ed’s apartment to play poker with John Kai Ed Li Zhen. Yeah, that’s my first time. And, I actually won the first game. Really. Strange. The second game I just didn’t want to play well, really, and ended up 3rd. But, there was this one hand where Kai went all in and both Ed and I called…I had a flush (which is apparently really good?) and was kind of reluctant, really, because there was this possibility of a full house…turns out that Ed was bluffing, Kai had two pairs, and I won that one…oops. Anyway, this is a strange game. There’s always a first time, I guess. Came home exhausted, caught a little bit of sleep, went off to the usual prayer meeting and squash, and that’s it for the day.

Random notes…

• For squash today, I was just feeling very down. It’s like I can’t get moving. Maybe it’s partially because I was playing with Lisa, so it wasn’t remotely intense at all…but really, I just figured, I suck at this game. Why bother playing it anymore? The tiredness and hunger didn’t help, either. And my left leg was crumbling anyway. So yeah…not a good night for me. I know, I know, it takes time to practice and improve, but I don’t even like this sport, so there’s very little motivation to get on with it…
• Ah…John has this strange brutish quality to him which is strangely endearing. He likes games and puzzles, too…
• I find myself in a downward spiral that is also a vicious cycle in my relationship with God. I don’t know how to describe it…it’s very depressing, certainly.

I’m grateful to God for…

• the amazing work that He has done in Harry;
• the support of brothers and sisters in prayer;
• the good time spent with fellow brothers;
• keeping me up through the whole day even with very little sleep; and
• the timing of the snow storm to happen after all the driving is done.

It was still blowing snow outside when I woke up, but the snow was pretty light, so that’s ok for the driving in the afternoon. There was a little bit of accumulation, which melted promptly. Started the morning with a phone call from my parents while I was sleeping (not a surprise, I guess). But seriously, my mom already bought a squash racquet and wanted me to play squash with her when I go to Taiwan. Really. Does anyone play any sports with mom? Anyway, there was an afternoon nap during which I received 3 phone calls within an hour…not a good day for sleeping, eh? Afternoon fellowship was not interesting…maybe it’s just that my heart wasn’t in it at all. During refreshment after fellowship, I struck up a conversation with Forest, and he talked a lot, which is good. Apparently the refreshment made everyone but Forest and I full, so the two of us were the only ones looking for a meal. Somehow we ended up coming to my place for dumplings…wooo…nice. He played his very first sudoku after the meal (heh) and seemed to have enjoyed it. We headed off to his place afterwards and played 5 rounds of pool. He’s very good at it, but I won 2 (one by accident), so that’s not too bad. I had a few incredible shots there…even I couldn’t believe I made so many good shots… Anyway, I do enjoy the time spent with Forest. Came home, and that’s the day.

Random notes…

• Awww…the more I think about the new friends that I have, the more I miss talking to Samuel…
• My Abide in Christ December reading plan is already in ruins. I tried to read yesterday, but my mind and spirit weren’t into it at all…it’s like reading without comprehending. So I stopped. Maybe I should start again.
• I still couldn’t figure out how to solve some problems of the draft 350 final…oops.

I’m grateful to God for…

• these confusing questions about Him that kept swirling in my mind;
• the chance to connect with Forest;
• keeping my tempting thoughts from growing strong;
• reminding me the lesson on joy when I want to get myself depressed; and
• the calmer weather that made driving easier.

Thursday: The forecast was the ominous “temperature falling.” And indeed, we got that dramatic falling. I think it was around 14 degrees at 11am, but 6 degrees at 2pm, and continued dropping until 1 degree at night. The work I had to do was ominous, too…with the making of the solutions. It took too much time, I have to say, but at least I trudged through it (although I only did one out of the two options…didn’t have the time or the mind to figure out matlab). I guess the only relief during this torturous time was the breaking the loop puzzle that Tony and I are working on… Finished the solutions at around 5, then rushed to pick up people to Red Lobster’s…wooooo… Yes, what started as a crazy idea came true… 6 brothers in total were on hand, and I guess the event is not bad. I don’t know, but there’s a sense of “what in the world am I doing?” Li Zhen was disappointed that there’s no more “endless shrimp”…heh. There was the subtle thing that there seems to be a minor separation into two groups of three… I had a fisherman’s feast, and it was good at the beginning…but at the end, I was too full…heh. Anyway, that’s $34 down the drain…(or the esophagus).

Friday: The weather was horrific. Huge wind and rain, which turned to ice in the evening. So the trip to Toronto was cancelled…boo. So David and I decided to have squash in the afternoon instead. But first, trip to office where the wind almost blew away my umbrella. I had to test run a draft for the final exam, and boy it was hard… I can’t even do some of the problems…yikes. Anyway, squash at 2:30, and we were lucky to have found a free court then. But we were kicked out at 3…oops. I think it was just bad strategy, since we didn’t realize that we could just sign up the slot at 3 before looking for free courts…anyway, I actually went the full half hour without taking a break, which is kind of surprising. So again, that means either (a) my stamina’s improving or (b) our playing wasn’t so intense. Afternoon mccf sharing started kind of awkward, nobody (except Wilfred with his cheat sheet) knew what to share…but then it ended up not too bad, I guess. Went to Montana’s for the end-of-term dinner. A lot of them had fun drawing on the table…heh. The food was ok, I think, nothing too spectacular. Rib & wing combo for me, and the taste for the medium sauce on the wing was too strong that it kind of killed the taste of the rib…anyway, we had a good time (I think), and that’s $30 down the drain…(or the esophagus). The drive home was a bit nerve wrecking, as there was ice coming down, and huge wind blowing that actually blown my car to the right for a non-trivial distance…yikes.

I’m grateful to God for…

• the safe drive under dangerous weather;
• the interesting company in Tony in the office;
• the two wonderful dinners;
• calming me down emotionally quite a bit; and
• the lesson on prayer and waiting…I prayed, still waiting…