I was tired, all day long. Slept and slacked around for the morning. Finally went to the office at around 2, only to be pulled away by mom soon afterwards. I slept some more, we went to do a little bit of shopping and then sent her home. I came home, and soon after that, I was greeted with my new roommate! Finally…he has arrived. He’s a soft spoken type guy, so hopefully it won’t be too hard to live with him. He apparently studies Japanese history, with all the Japanese books on his shelf…interesting… Anyway, I went to the office to do more work on the solutions, came home at around 10, and that’s about it.

Random notes…

• I had the urge this morning to study 2 Corinthians 12:9 with the popular line “My grace is sufficient for you.” What is often forgotten is the line immediately afterwards, saying “for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” I tried to understand what this means, but I couldn’t. This remains a mystery verse for me. Or perhaps the meaning is so obvious that I completely missed it? My brain has this weird way of almost always missing the obvious, that’s for sure…
• It’s so hard…I learn all these lessons about the joy and peace in Christ, yet all of them are thrown out the window when I faced tough situations (even though they are so simple) and got depressed. I just don’t know what is going on.
• It’s also so hard to just stop thinking about others’ opinions (or possible opinions) to drive my actions. It’s not like I should totally ignore it, but I often place too much value into them…and rarely think about what God thinks.
• As the trip to Bulgaria approaches, there’s an increase in anxiety over it. For one, I still have a ton of things to do in preparation for the trip. For two, I’m not sure how quickly (or ever) will I be able to get along with the people there. For three, I wonder if I’m crazy…
• Strangely warm weather today…up to 22 degrees…humidex 27…not complaining, certainly.

I’m grateful to God for…

• this increasing awareness of His presence;
• helping me through working on the assignment solutions;
• good first impression on meeting the new roommate;
• the upcoming crazy adventure; and
• Harry’s enthusiasm to learn and serve as a new Christian.

Morning, mom wanted me to drive her to school…I can only reluctantly agree. It’s supervisor meeting Monday, so I’m supposed to cram two weeks worth of work in five hours… Certainly wasn’t the peaceful time of research that I was hoping for, but at least I did something…and that barely carried through with the meeting, which I’m thankful for, yet I’m still quite ashamed of how little I did. Came home extremely tired, but still watched Race anyway, which was a good episode, but it would have been better had I not spoiled myself with the location and the eliminatee… Slept a little while before reluctantly headed to the in-depth Bible study, where I found out that they’ve changed the entire thing to a coworker meeting on Thursday’s event. I was tired and disappointed, came home, and that’s about it.

Random notes…

• I cannot describe that sense of hopelessness and despair that I experienced yesterday. Goes to show how fragile I am, and how I still don’t know how to depend on God.
• Is it mere coincidence that quite a few of my mental breakdowns just happened to occur the day before supervisor meetings?
• Yeah, I’m still very frustrated with what’s going on in my life. Seems like I always make stupid choices. I have a personality that drives me crazy. Ah…the negativity…

I’m grateful to God for…

• calming me down greatly when I was panicking wildly;
• the strange sense of joy just before supervisor meeting today;
• once again, showing me my extreme weakness;
• correcting some of my own theological errors on His truth; and
• (argh…I can’t find a fifth one…I’m too depressed to be thankful…)

So yeah, I had a mental breakdown. It got to a point where I simply couldn’t handle the things that’s going on in my life anymore. No, I didn’t consider suicide, but boy did I wish God would take me off this earth…then again, maybe not.

Long awkward tearful “talk” with mom tonight…

Meanwhile, supervisor meeting coming up soon…and I definitely need another miracle from God…