It’s one of those “very depressing with no good reason” days. I thought I had a good sleep in the morning…but then it was time to move. Move what? Move my mom’s stuffs to Ingrid’s new place, and also move Ingrid’s stuff to Ingrid’s new place…I was grumpy (probably the rain had something to do with it), and was in a bad mood. I talked with that angry tone to my mom. I couldn’t stand her voice. She keeps complaining about the new place. The moving was tiring. There was a big lunch at Crystal Palace, which is a place where I really shouldn’t go anymore… Came home, slept for about an hour before rushing to fellowship. The fellowship was just sad…or maybe it’s just me. But really, the Bible study was not good…which is a shame. There was this spiritual revival meeting afterwards, but I didn’t go. Came home, mom cooked a nice meal, and I desperately tried to pray due to an extraordinary high level of fear. This ends the day.

Random notes…

• I can’t handle women’s voices, that’s what I have concluded. Or maybe I’m making too much of a generality out of special cases? Really, today, whenever I heard my mom speaking, or Ingrid speaking, or Laura pointing and speaking in that school headmaster kind of way (or otherwise), my head just felt like exploding. I just couldn’t take it. Maybe it’s the perkyness? I don’t know…
• Happy birthday, Peter!
• With all that thinking about God is Love, I have two conclusions… (a) I have trouble realizing and experiencing God’s deep love for me in my heart…sure I know that God loves me so much, but that may be still at a knowledge level, not something I know at heart. (b) As a result, I find myself to have a lack of love for a lot of people around me. There was once upon a time (high school?) when I naively thought that I loved everyone…but that is certainly no longer the case, which I am quite ashamed of. Perhaps I have lost that child-like faith that God wants me to have?
• Mom wants me to move the tv to Ingrid’s place. Can I cut off internet at home? That’s too tough…
• I’m burdened by too many things. But as much as I pray to put these burdens in God’s hands, and let Him be my rock and strength, and asking for peace and joy, there’s still the lingering doubt… Am I really releasing these burdens to Him? Am I permitting Him to be my rock and strength? Am I too stubburn and fixated on depression that I have no capacity to receive peace and joy?

I’m grateful to God for…

• giving me enough strength in the moving, and not injuring myself;
• the good time that was spent with Ed during the move-and-dine;
• keeping me up during the fellowship even as I was dead tired…;
• a chance to make more of a connection with Chen Jie and Steven in the fellowship; and
• once again, drawing me to prayers in this time of distress.

I was supposed to pick up assignments at around 10am, but I didn’t get to it until about 11…but that’s ok, I guess. Processed the assignments, talked to officemate Jeff in the middle of it after he surprisingly came to the office, and then sent off the assignments. I was supposed to start research work after that, but I didn’t do it…I didn’t even try…and that’s so sad, because now I’m stuck once again with the very likely possibility that I’ll have to do two weeks worth of research Monday morning…sigh… Afternoon mccf was ok, I guess, and then dinner and Lifesong, which had its share of technical difficulties, but the message portion was quite powerful. In other news, Kai was more courageous and outgoing than I thought, which is nice. And that ends this day.

Random notes…

• Why do I have a sinking feeling that going to the puzzle championship is the wrong decision?
• Wow…2 degrees…no wonder it felt so cold outside…
• Various parts of my body suffered minor casulties as a direct result of yesterday’s slow run…parts that include my left knee and groin muscle…oops.

I’m grateful to God for…

• Samuel’s email;
• the message of His love at Lifesong;
• enjoyable fellowship with the mccf crowd;
• helping me share my perspectives on the Bible in response to Peter’s questions; and
• meeting up briefly with JY today…

I woke up extra early today, and for some odd reason went for a run, which I haven’t done in a long long time. My legs are sore now, but at least I got some exercise, finally. Went to sleep after breakfast, though, because I was just too tired…woke up at around 11, and somehow managed to slack around until 4 when I went to the office to do work. Well, that didn’t really work well, as I gave up almost immediately after I looked at the research work that I needed to do…it’s not a good sign, really. Came back after about a couple of hours, did nothing, and that’s it for the day.

Random notes…

• It’s one of those days where I really wanted to just start up conversations on msn, but backed away because I was afraid…afraid of what? Afraid that the recipient was busy? Afraid that I have nothing to talk about? Afraid that I would offend them? I don’t know…in any case, I felt pretty lonely, I guess…
• Some of the instructions for the puzzles to be played in the WPC are online now… I looked at them and said to myself, what have I gotten myself into? Those are impossible!
• Getting colder these days, eh? Only got up to 11 degrees this morning…of course a couple of months later, I would look at this post and laugh at the warm temperature…
• Historically, I have a tendency to have very weird dreams. This morning, there was one that involved David Lee’s birthday party, being ignored by everyone, and getting a mysterious yellowish jellyish thing dumped on me…
• I changed my phone settings so that my own answering machine will start after just 2 rings…so…yeah, I guess I’ll need to move quicker to pick up the phone these days…

I’m grateful to God for…

• providing enough energy to complete the run this morning;
• helping me understand better that for Him to be my strength, I need to realize that I’m weak…;
• constantly moving me to prayers;
• a mostly calm day today; and
• the excitement in seeing puzzle instructions…

I actually woke up pretty early today, at around 6…wanted to sleep more, but couldn’t, so got off the bed at 7. It gave me time to cook rice, and while waiting for the rice, I took the time for prayer, and it was good. And I find the rest of the day to be not too bad, actually…the power of prayer? But I did end up getting too tired anyway and went back to sleep at 10, hoping to wake up at 11, but ended up waking up at 12. Got to school, completed the solutions leftover from yesterday, had nobody in my office hour, and then Aaron visited me. We were supposed to go to the gym, but I hadn’t eaten lunch at that time and I mentioned that I haven’t been to his place yet, so we went to his place to eat…heh. It wasn’t too bad. A little later on, Sibo came to visit, which is quite a surprise, as I haven’t seen him in ages. He’s still the tall thin long-haired guy, with perhaps more of a definition on his face, certainly looks older, especially with the suit that he was wearing. Anyway, it was nice to see him again, and then I came home. I was tired, but there was still the brothers prayer meeting to go to, so I could only drag myself there… We had four people this time around, and I thought we had a good time of sharing personal issues and other stuffs…and I wasn’t sleepy when we started, so that was nice. I think brothers prayer meeting is a pretty good idea, and I pray that God will continue to bless us through these meetings. Came home in the middle of huge rain and thunderstorm, and that’s about it for the day.

Random notes…

• I think what I really want to do is to wake up early each day and try not to fall asleep immediately afterwards. Even if I have to sleep later in the morning, that’s ok…at least wake up early to have more of a chance at a time of devotion. Of course now that I realized this, it’s going to be harder and harder to wake up…
• I watched the second eppy of The Amazing Race late last night, and boy, it was just such a good eppy… And they went to Mongolia! I wanted the race to go there for such a long time, and they did it right with the very interesting tasks. It must have been very frustrating for the racers, though, as they faced lots of vehicles or animal troubles (and other troubles) along the way, and the standings shuffled all throughout the eppy. That’s what I like to see…
• One thing that I’m trying to incorporate into my life is “practice the presence of God.” Still a bit of an on and off thing, but I do find that it gives me new perspectives on who God is and how He works in my life.
• We’re also thinking of starting a brothers exercise group…(heh, abbreviated as BEG…) It seems that a lot of us brothers are complaining about carrying extra pounds in our bodies, so maybe this could work. But with winter coming, we must find indoor sports, eh? Clarence suggested freestyle fighting…which is not a bad idea…
• With only slightly more than a week until I leave for Bulgaria, I suddenly felt a lot of pressure…like there’s so much to be done between now and then… Things like, prepare for supervisor meeting, weekend Bible study, mom’s birthday, visit Jackson and Rebecca before their wedding, more TA stuffs… Aaaaahhhhh…blows my mind.

I’m grateful to God for…

• this day filled with peace in my heart;
• a good time of fellowship in Him among the brothers during the prayer meeting;
• the interesting experience of walking in the midst of an awesome thunderstorm while trying to protect my Bible and prayer book from the rain;
• reconnecting with Aaron and Sibo…; and
• keeping me up through the evening schedule so far…

This morning, success turned into tragedy in the face of temptations…sigh… It’s happening so frequent now that it just seems hopeless for me again. I feel like I know all the things that I need to know about temptations, yet I simply couldn’t follow through in reality…I think what I lack is really a heart of Christ… In any case, that made for a terrible morning and afternoon at home. Still went to the mccf prestudy anyway, and it was ok, I guess…my mind was having trouble concentrating. After the prestudy, I went to my office and started making solutions for assignment 2. It’s a bit troublesome since it includes putting pictures into the LaTeX file…so I didn’t complete it and came home for dinner, and that’s about it for the day.

Random notes…

• The next Bible study topic is God is Love…I’m not supposed to be one of the group leaders, but as Bible study coordinator, I feel the need to contribute ideas and stuff. But, the more I think about this topic, the more I’m confused…I don’t understand what it means, I don’t know the extent of God’s love, I don’t feel that God’s love has made a great impact in my life. God is so great, He wants a personal relationship with me in love, yet I find myself more confused than ever…
• Speaking of love, what about brotherly love? I’m wondering if it’s still worth trying to reach out to Francis. He won’t even answer a very simple email question that I asked him… Sure, Jesus taught us to love brothers and sisters in Christ, but how can I love someone who doesn’t really want to be loved? Am I allowed to simply give up on Francis, as I have done many times already?
• There’s been a change in the home phone for my residence here in St. Paul, and so far it’s been nothing but disasterous. For one, even though I have a dedicated phone number, it’s in reality an “extension,” with all its strange rules such as enter “9″ before I can even dial a number. For two, it has a built in voice mail system which is so confusing to use…and I don’t know how to turn it off! I have my own answering machine which flashes joyfully at me whenever there’s a new message, so I don’t want to give that up for a voice mail system at a distance which requires me to call and check in and listen to the same mundane machine voice if I want to see if there are new messages… Anyway, we’ll have to see how it goes. I am supposed to sign the renewal contract by Oct 1…perhaps this will finally drive me out of here?
• It’s funny how my new officemate Tony is filling out that gigantic cross sum puzzle that I have posted in the office!
• Yes, I know that youtube is destroying my life and have been the agent that dragged me into temptations time and time again…so why do I keep returning to it, thinking that this time it will be ok?

I’m grateful to God for…

• His great love for me, even though I still have trouble understanding it;
• His indwelling Spirit that is still with me, whom I have grieved over and over again;
• the great blessing that He has given to me through my friendship with Samuel;
• meeting David Betty Jeff Wilfred at the prestudy today; and
• bringing me back to life amidst all the depressing events.

I remember during the family trip that I wrote down something like, “so many things can be accomplished in just one day…” And yet, I did so little today… Woke up late, did laundry, sleep, invite Chen Jie over for games and dinner, evening Bible study, and that’s about it… Meanwhile, a ton of work is left to do… No, doing puzzles shouldn’t be considered work…

Random notes…

• I’m starting to wonder about the merits of having a spiritually-related event to go to every single evening of the week. On one hand, I get tired very quickly. On the other hand, it keeps my mind off the useless or sinful stuffs…sort of…
• There was a mysterious phone call from Mutao this morning…and really, I have no idea what to say.
• I’m rethinking the lessons that God taught me just this year…things about denying myself, be thankful in everything, trust, faith, living sacrifice, and much more…and I’m feeling really empty right now, having put almost none of these into practice these days. Sigh…”But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was.” Yup, that sounds just like me…
• Yes, I do play the same 20 worship songs in the car and in the mPod at home over and over again, always in shuffle mode, of course. Somehow, I haven’t gotten tired of them yet…and I have no desire to listen to other things, which is kind of strange.
• I’m also thinking about the subject of joy. I studied the origin of the phrase “the joy of the Lord is your strength” before. But now, I’m thinking about Paul’s command to “rejoice always,” which seems to be in an apparent contradiction with the Biblical teaching to mourn for our sins, and “rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” I’m confused. I’m definitely a person with very little joy in my life, though…

I’m grateful to God for…

• helping me answer Graeme’s email questions;
• the time spent with Chen Jie to alleviate the emptyness of the day;
• the Bible study this evening which challenges me to rethink about a life of devotion to God;
• Harry, who apparently decided to commit his life to Christ on Saturday; and
• giving me some time to think over these spiritual questions…

Yesterday: I guess whenever I skip posting for a day, that’s probably because I gave in to temptation and sinned against God greatly, and I was too depressed to write anything. And that was the case yesterday. What’s a bit shocking to me is how easy it was…there was not even a fight. In any case, it was a terrible day of unwilling shopping with traffic jams (which I got used to, quite frankly), and then it was the love feast and evangelical meeting. I was stuck in the techno booth again, and it wasn’t that bad with Chen Jie around, I guess. The message was good, but didn’t make an impact in my life, unfortunately. Today: Early morning start to get to cfc at 8:45 (late) and kwcac at 10 (late). I was too tired, and still some leftover disappointment from yesterday. It got a lot better in the afternoon, though, after having a lunch and beverage with Samuel and Jackson. They were visibly more tired than I was, actually, being at a bachelor party until 4am this day… It was probably the best time I had in a while (even with the minute of awkward silence). Evening banquet for the 30th anniversary of kwcac…my mom and I really didn’t want to go, but after finding no one else willing to take our tickets, we went anyway (while still in sleep, apparently). The dinner was not too bad, I guess, and I was too full. We skipped the rest of the program, and I rushed to the mccf prayer meeting…with only Wilfred and I again…that’s, kind of sad, really. Anyway, we were along the meeting, but Wilfred started packing before we shared personal prayer requests, so I could only followed, and that was that… After a “mom’s talk” and sending her home, the day is done.

Random notes…

• Ah…Jackson got a Camry hybrid…nice.
• Boy, there were more emails exchanged just this week regarding the first assignment for my TA course than possibly what I’ve ever done in an entire semester…it’s kind of fun, though, in a weird way.
• I find that a lot of things I just do without thinking why I do it, which is sometimes good, I guess. But after some shallow soul searching, I do find that I like to go out of my way just to spend some time with friends, things such as taking Kai and Sophie to church (or Ikea), or getting Li Zhen out for lunch. Of course often there’s a glorified reason that I’m serving God that way, but really, I probably do it just because I like thse people and I want to spend more time with them. I wonder if God is pleased when I do that… Or maybe I’m just lonely…I don’t know.

I’m grateful to God for…

• connecting with Chen Jie yesterday;
• the wonderful time spent with Samuel and Jackson today;
• His presence in the prayer meeting, even if there were just the two of us;
• helping me face my fears through many prayers today; and
• Hir promise, love, faithfulness, and mercy that converge together to forgive my sins, as I embarrassingly confess them to Him again.

Basically most of this day was spent doing TA work, collecting assignments and distributing them. Along the way, there were a lot of emails exchanged with the instructors, a lot of sorting through assignments by sections because of misleading labels on the drop boxes, a lot of counting, and finally just completed the work by sending out some instructions on how to mark the assignments. This is no easy work, I have to say, but I do find that throughout it all, I had no complaints whatsoever, which is a different attitude from before when I encounter stressful situations. So that’s a bit of an improvement…of course it could just be that I’m not marking the assignments that’s making things easier, but anyway… Afternoon mccf was kind of disappointing, actually. I just happened to be in a group where (a) I don’t know most of the people, and (b) the leader was Grace. And I didn’t see David Lee, either, which is also disappointing. The dinner at Taiwan Small Eat was ok, though, where there’s a closer interaction with a smaller number of people…funny how even the owner was asking where is David…heh. Then came home, and that’s about it for the day.

Random notes…

• About jealousy…I do find myself to be jealous quick easily. Even the very minor things could make me jealous. And so far, I noticed that being jealous has brought nothing but trouble for me, including being unnecessarily hurt, depressed, angry at God, and of course, sin. There are very easy remedies to jealousy, yet it is so much easier to stay jealoused rather than getting rid of it…sigh…
• Trying something new…going to post scriptures that I would like to memorize in a new blog. Just started, so very little is in there.
• The next Bible study topic has been decided (and boy, do they really have to be so passive about it that the only thing that they can do is wait for me to finally assert a topic and then they can chime in their agreement? and why am I complaining about this trivial thing anyway?). God is Love. That’s hard in a sense that we can go off in so many directions with this one, yet which ones to choose? God is Love.
• My new roommate still hasn’t come yet…and his mail keeps coming…this is strange. But I am ok with being alone in this big suite…sometimes.
• I found out when do (some) men apologize the most…it is when playing recreational sports.

I’m grateful to God for…

• carrying me through all the work in the TA job today, giving me calm throughout this mess;
• meeting with James Kai Sophie today;
• bringing up yet another ugly part of my heart to deal with;
• holding me back from sending inappropriate emails to the myf coworkers list; and
• His unchanging and unfailing love for me, even as I try to hide from Him or rebel against Him…

Late start to the morning. Rushed to school for the annual C&O social to meet new students. I think I kind of talked to two new students, and that might have been a record for me…heh. However, it was a bit disturbing when the grad chair Bill doesn’t know my name… Wasted the afternoon even though I was in the office. Came back tired as always, woken up by Ed’s phone call asking me if I want to go out for dinner, and sure, why not. Went to dinner with Ed and Peter, and then played some games at Ed’s place. A deal (or not) later, that’s about it for the day.

Random notes…

• I got my first ever “fist bump,” and it was with Pritchard at the social today. I still have no idea why that was done, but it was sort of cool, I guess.
• I see Ed and Peter having so much fun playing table tennis and darts, and I…just don’t get it. I like the company, but I just don’t get how such activities can be enjoyable…
• I used the prayer meeting as an opportunity to read the book Prayer by O. Hallesby. I kept reading on my own a little bit, and it’s requiring such a different approach to prayer from me…I hope to learn it quickly.
• No kidding…after 4 days, nobody else is willing to make a suggestion for the topic of the second myf Bible study. It’s a simple fill-in-the-blank topic, God is _____. Maybe we think too much…or too little…or maybe we just don’t care. Then again, I should stop worrying about it…I do feel a lot of responsibility riding in me, that’s why I was so concerned… Also, we are talking about attributes of the Almighty God Himself…cannot take this thing lightly.
• I weighed myself this morning, which is something that I haven’t done in a while. Turns out that I’m holding steady at 79kg or 174lbs. That was quite surprising to me since I haven’t done any serious exercise in a long long time now…

I’m grateful to God for…

• the good evening spent with Ed and Peter;
• the interesting conversations at the C&O social today;
• forgiving my sins and helping me gradually leave the guilt behind;
• moving me to unexpected prayers; and
• the struggle in continuing to shape my heart towards one that is right in serving Him.

Yesterday: I only wanted to make up the solutions for my TA course, but I didn’t do that. I ended up spending most of the morning and afternoon doing things that are in rebellion against God, making many attempts to flee from temptations, only to fail miserably and got very depressed. I attended the mccf pre-study late afternoon anyway, but I was only able to joke around and trying to hide my emotions. Today: The events of yesterday continued to plague my mind in the morning. Finally went to the office in the afternoon to do the solutions. Half way through it, I got office hours, and two people came, and it was ok, except I really don’t understand linear algebra… One person even stayed in the office (though only working at a desk) long after the office hours ended. Once I’m done the solutions, came back home for a brief rest, then headed out for the first myf brothers prayer meeting. Five people in total, and I thought that was ok, the relaxing atmosphere and the semi-open sharing, and of course, prayers. Some even wanted to have weekly meetings instead of the biweekly ones that I thought would suffice. So that’s sort of good, I guess…though now there’s more commitment…

Random notes…

• I was just flipping through some of the blog comments from the past (granted, I get very few comments, so I do treasure them when I get them). One comment that have sort of slipped my mind is from this post. I didn’t think much of it at that time, and certainly I didn’t know who wrote it…but now, after some digging through logs and stuff, something hit me, and I think this is the same author as the comment from this post. Is that right? I’m not sure…
• Another guy came into the office when he saw the other guy who was working at the desk after my office hours. He mentioned something that is possibly one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard about…it’s a wind-up cell phone battery charger. Apparently you can wind it up for 30 seconds, and that gives you a 2-minute phone call! It’s just…bizarre…and funny…
• I ended up downloading the first eppy of The Amazing Race (thanks to kcs). Boy, the double elimination was just too brutal…but I guess one good thing is that they finally went in the westward direction and landed in China for the first leg. Nice move.
• So yeah, I do realize that I’m receiving a lot more spiritual attacks and doubts ever since I came back to serve. That’s kind of expected. I try not to let it bother me to a point where I would retreat from serving, at the same time expecting that God would turn these attacks around to get me growing, just like the last time. Now if only I can remember this in the future…
• I always feel like I’m sort of a fake mathematician, mostly because I have a very poor linear algebra background (cauesd by a poor prof back in sfu), and I just don’t get a lot of the fundamental things…

I’m grateful to God for…

• His presence in the brothers prayer meeting;
• helping me get through today’s office hour and in making the solutions;
• the chance to have interaction and fellowship with brothers and sisters for a bit of calm and joy amidst this troubling time;
• a refresher on the subject of temptations in reading The Purpose Drive Life; and
• not giving up on me.

So I was nervous all morning long because of the pending supervisor meeting. And I was still nervous even though I prayed about it. But then I went to the office, sat down at my table, and things started to make a little bit of sense, and I actually wrote some things down. It’s like, why wasn’t I able to think of this before? Of course I got stuck pretty soon, but that was more than enough to get through the supervisor meeting, which lasted for about 1.5 hours, mostly trying to think of ways to get out of the stuckage. All I can think is this: how come God continues to rescue me out of my own lazyness time after time after time? I’m quite ashamed of myself, actually, but very thankful at the same time. Came back home after the meeting, and bought the ticket to Bulgaria. It had a strange twist where I found out that the flights that I was planning to go for have increased in price by about $100. I tried several other combinations (even one that requires 3 flights each way), but eventually convinced myself that two flights each way is enough and I can pay the extra $100, only to find out that the price has dropped to the original level and I bought it at this lower price. There are a lot of mysteries involving airplane ticket prices, I have to say… So I leave in the afternoon of October 6, connecting through Frankfurt, arriving at Sofia in the afternoon next day, returning on October 12, connecting through Frankfurt again, arriving back in Toronto at night. Finally, for tonight, 4 straight hours of television…and I wonder if I had gone crazy already. An hour of usual millionaire and Jeopardy, two hours of deal where a guy actually picked the $3m case but ended up with a nice $650K anyway, then an hour of Studio 60 at the command of kcs where I still don’t get it. And that’s the day.

Random notes…

• About the first random note from yesterday…I guess I wasn’t clear on one thing, and that is I was more upset with Laura’s blunt embarrassing email to all coworkers and her decision to move Forrest to another group than with Forrest saying the Bible study was boring. I was bothered by the latter, too, but not so much, and got over it fairly quickly. It took more time to get over Laura’s actions. I think it was my pride acting up a bit…and I kind of like this Forrest kid anyway. In any case, I’m ok now, so that’s good, and I’m thankful that God resolved it so quickly (it took about a couple of hours).
• The next supervisor meeting is in 2 weeks, and the one after that is 2 weeks after as well…I really don’t want to be lazy and leave everything until the last day again, but history is definitely against me…
• I’m starting to wonder…maybe my sabbatical wasn’t long enough…

I’m grateful to God for…

• rescuing me out of trouble with research again;
• the successful booking of the plane tickets;
• keeping me away from temptations today;
• the time of relaxation tonight; and
• being this incredibly merciful and loving God, a God whom I still have trouble understanding, even with the basics.

I drove two couples to two different morning services. Nap in the afternoon. Helped David move his stuffs. Drove mom back. Evening prayer meeting. I’m so tired… Meanwhile, still no progress on research, and the dreaded supervisor meeting is tomorrow…

Random notes…

• I was just writing about the lesson about getting God’s approval in serving Him, and I was tested on it a bit harshly today… The basic story is, Laura said that someone in my group thought the Bible study was boring, and she moved him to another group. Initially I felt quite offended and angry, then depressed, and prayed hard about it. Soon afterwards, I was calmed down and realize that I shouldn’t be bothered by this kind of stuff because I served God to please God, not to please men (something I remember learning so long ago…). Of course there’s a balancing act in there in the sense that I cannot totally ignore what people say, or I would be ineffective…but I shouldn’t judge myself based on other people’s reactions. Anyway, I now feel ok with the situation, and pray that God will continue to help me in serving Him.
• Another note about yesterday’s Bible study…I’m just thankful that God put me in a group of all Christians. Hearing about how the non-Christians in another group raised questions, I realize that I have no ability to handle this kind of situations. They were being put in the right group, a group that had people who are much more passionate and knowledgable and intelligent than me.
• About the prayer meeting…on one hand, it’s good to have this time of fellowship with Wilfred; on the other hand, only two people?! I had a choice between watching The Amazing Race and going to the prayer meeting, and it was an easy decision to go to the meeting. But two people?! Alright, so Christ said that if two or three people gather in His name, He will be there. But this lack of interest for the meeting is still quite disheartening…
• I have to say that I’m quite spiritually frustrated… I think I wasn’t even remotely close to worshipping God in the two services. I sing the song, but I don’t think my heart meant it. I listen to sermons, but they don’t sink in. I tried to pray, but didn’t know how, even during the prayer meeting. I think part of it was that I was burdened with a lot of earthly things…
• Of the five things that I listed about things to do this weekend two posts ago, I’ve done two. That’s…pretty depressing.

I’m grateful to God for…

• leading me out of the depressing situation;
• time of interaction and fellowship with Wilfred in the prayer meeting;
• the patience He gave me in waiting for David and Betty;
• bringing David Betty Kai Sophie to church today; and
• having mom here to clean and cook.

Pretty much the day was spent surrounding this Bible study. (By the way, I put the notes online…) First I tried to print out 25 copies of the notes, but discovered that after the 8th or 9th copy, the printer toner seems to run out and the printed stuffs start getting lighter and lighter until it really prints almost nothing. So much wasted paper, I thought. But, recognizing that this is just another attack to derail the Bible study, I could only trust in God and not panic about it. Not long afterwards, I took the toner out, shake it a bit and put it back. Long and behold, it printed well again! Wow…so I just printed the notes one by one using the back of the supposedly wasted paper, and finished printing all 25 copies. I don’t know why I wanted to print 25 copies, actually, especially since recent fellowship attendance has been around 10 to 15. When I got to church, there were around 7 or 8 people, and it was kind of depressing. But I didn’t panic or anything. Long and behold, cars started to arrive, and by the time we were all on the stage sharing, there were exactly 25 people in the fellowship. No kidding. Three more people showed up in the middle of the Bible study, though, but still it was a miracle to me. As for the Bible study itself, I felt really awkward and nervous in the beginning, maybe because there were a few new people in the group, or because the questions are hard to discuss. But once we got to studying passages from the word of God itself, things went pretty well, I think. We had good discussions, and even if we sidetracked, it was all sort of related and always not for too long. I even find myself sharing things that I haven’t thought of before… In any case, I think everyone learned something, and that’s the important thing. But I was completely drained afterwards… I sent one of the group members May home, and she talked about how she have trouble understanding the Bible the way we did in the Bible study. I can only tell her my point of view and my experience, and hopefully that was helpful… Now I’m back home, alone, hoping not to get depressed.

Random notes…

• No, I will not let something so small yet so offensive that Francis did to depress me. No, I don’t need to dwell on it at all. No.
• After fellowship, mom went to the three-moms meeting, some people went to Ben Thanh, and I went home. Seriously, I’ve had enough of Viet-Thai food for now… I skipped the mccf dinner yesterday as well because they went for Pho…
• One thing about the Bible study is that I think I depend too much on the reactions of the group members. If they were engaged and responding, I think it’s going well; but if they start sighing or put their heads on the lap, I think it’s going badly. Surely there’s some element of truth in it, but in reality, I was reading too much into it, I think. And I shouldn’t use these as a gauge for success…need to look to God and ask, “do You approve of this?” As an aside, there is this sense that I simply cannot convey the encompassing beauty and regularity and complexity of God’s creation, so there’s always something more to be desired…
• There’s now an event for every evening of the week, apparently…though some of these only happen biweekly, and some I don’t necessarily have to go…
  

  Monday: myf in-depth Bible study.
  Tuesday: mccf pre-study.
  Wednesday: myf brothers prayer meeting.
  Thursday: myf pre-study.
  Friday: mccf fellowship meeting.
  Saturday: myf fellowship meeting.
  Sunday: mccf prayer meeting.

  Am I overloading myself?

• Thinking about my academic career… I think I mentioned before that I’m at a point where I’m simply not interested in researching math anymore. After some more thoughts, I think it’s mainly because of the things that I’m researching about right now, not particularly about math in general. I’m sure there are other areas of graph theory that I would be very interested in doing researching in, just not the things I’m doing right now. That’s probably why I’ve been so reluctant about doing research… So is there a future for me in the academic career? I’m guessing no, at least not in what I’m doing right now. A teaching career would be nice, too, but I have too little experience for that.

I’m grateful to God for…

• having me as His workmanship, taking care of every detail of my being, and being proud of making me;
• leading me through the emotional and spiritual ups and downs of this Bible study, completing this major task in the first time since I returned to serve Him;
• bringing so many people to the fellowship today, spreading His message all around;
• keeping me back from falling deeply into temptations today; and
• bringing peace when I’m a nervous wreck.

I pretty much wasted the morning and afternoon because I was simply too tired. Well, I did prepare the notes for the Bible study, and I tried hard to re-design the template for it, but with my limited artistic skills, it ended up looking pretty dreadful…but anyway, it’s the words that matter, not the looks, eh? Went to mccf late afternoon, and we played silly games. Something definitely felt different from before, though…like, there were a lot of people there that I don’t know, and there’s a sense of losing some of the intimacy that I felt before. Also, the overall environment felt younger and more…feminine? I don’t know. Anyway. Came home, and had a 4 hours, 3 cities, 212.8 kilometres trip to Mississauga. Went to the new T&T in Mississauga, and that was good. Picked up David at the airport and returned while David and Betty were already whispering to each other’s ears…heh. I was pretty tired by the time I got to the airport, though, so the return trip was kind of risky…and it was made worse when I unknowingly speed up to almost 140km/h… Anyway, that’s the day, and I’m still way behind on research.

Random notes…

• Wow…76.2 gas…in Mississauga… Haven’t seen the price begin with the number 7 for years.
• The car hits 54K on the way back from the airport near James Snow Parkway… I haven’t done this in a while, so congratulations, car, for another minor milestone.
• I found out that now I TA for both David Lee and James…wooooooo…
• I now have a sense that I’m trying to keep in touch with too many friends…on one hand, it’s wonderful that God gave me so many friends (which is something unusual); on the other hand, I can’t keep a deep friendship with them… I guess I’m longing for the days in the past where there’s a friend or two that I can hang out with regularly and talk freely without boundaries, but those almost always end up hurting me greatly… O the mysteries of friendships…
• Maybe I should make a list of things that I need to do during this weekend so that I don’t get overwhelmed (or so that I can be overwhelmed legitimately): lead Bible study, research work, make solutions for 350, book plane tickets, prayer meeting. That’s…not too bad, except that research thingie might be too much of a burden.

I’m grateful to God for…

• bringing David back and protect us in our evening trip;
• meeting and interacting with the people at mccf;
• helping me make the notes for the Bible study, even when I find it so tedious;
• giving me so many friends to be in company with and to care for; and
• calming me down a bit when I start to have great fears for things today.

I’m getting late starts to the day all this week, apparently. Woke up at close to 9 (not counting waking up at 2 first…). The good thing is I had devotion time for three days in a row now, hope to keep that going (although from past experiences, this is going to take some effort). Went to school and was greeted with an over-enthusiastic Berkant. When asked show he’s going, he answered with a hearty “I’m wonderful!” And we all laughed at the ridiculous level of happiness that he’s exhibiting…heh. It’s kind of infectious, eh? Anyway, I tried to do research, but was unable to do so, and wasted a few hours there. Met Carlos and Graeme for the first time in a long time. Came home, had a brief nap, then off to pre-study for Saturday’s Bible study. I was still agitated and nervous before pre-study, not knowing how it’s going to be like, or how many people will show up. But to my surprise, all of them showed up, and the pre-study was not too bad. Much better than it would have been had I been the only one to prepare for it, and that’s really the purpose of the reform that I was suggesting. Came home for Timmies dinner, and that’s about it for the day.

Random notes…

• I was reading Your God is Too Safe early this morning (like 2am). The chapter is titled “The wounds we share.” I was struck by it deeply. Mainly it’s talking about the wounds that friends inflict on us or vice versa, and it hit me too close to home…especially when the author quoted from Psalm 55, which really expressed what I felt back in the days of the Francis conflict…
  

  If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it;
  if a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him.

  But it is you, a man like myself,
  my companion, my close friend,

  with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
  as we walked with the throng at the house of God.

  So…the lesson is, the wounds may not heal (they may always be there), but these wounds may heal us, and bring us closer to Christ’s wounds, for which I’m partially responsible for wounding. It’s a hard lesson, as it is really easy to be hateful rather than turn to God. I just pray hard that I will really learn this lesson…

• I left the prestudy with a sense of lost…I don’t quite understand why. It’s like, there’s so much we can talk about in the topic of God is Creator, we can only talk a tiny little fraction of it, feels quite unsatisfying. Or perhaps it’s the feeling that leading the Bible study is overwhleming. I don’t know.
• So I’m going forth with the puzzle option. I regret not being able to take the wedding option, but I really can’t do both, unfortunately. As Eugene suggested, if I do win the championship (which is impossible), I can shout out “This is for Jackson and Rebecca!” (……….)
• The leaves on the trees just outside my window are changing colours, and falling pretty quickly… But then maybe these are special leaves, because when I look further toward the campus, most of the trees are still as green as…well…trees. The tricky thing is the timing for going north to visit Algonquin again…
• When I met Carlos and Graeme, they asked me how I was doing in the recent past. I said there was a family trip, which occurred for the last week of August. And then there was last week…but I don’t remember how I spent last week…it’s all a blur to me. It was that bad, eh?
• I wanted to apply this protective plastic film to my mPod, but I really suck at this kind of thing, so eventually I gave up on it. I couldn’t put back the original film that was on it, so now my mPod is, well, unclothed… I’ve heard that its surface is easy to scratch, so I guess I’ll have to care for it a little. Then again, isn’t this supposed to be a music player only and not a decoration? So yeah…anyway.
• Even with all the serving that’s been done, I still have lingering doubts…mostly about myself. Is my heart right? Do I really love Christ? How come I have trouble listening to God? Am I back to being a theoretical Christian? Have I really been released from the bondage of sin?

I’m grateful to God for…

• leading us through the pre-study this evening;
• making my stomach feel a bit better now;
• His presence in the time of devotion this morning;
• the lesson about the wounds; and
• finally settling the wedding puzzle question.