It was an exhausting day. The project occupied my mind for all of the morning and a little of the afternoon. There were some details that I still couldn’t figure out until the early afternoon, which is somewhat miraculous considering that I’ve been thinking about them for so long (well, not that long). I typed, I drew ugly diagrams, I made a return trip home, and I handed in at about 2pm. It was extremely hot outside, hitting 32 degrees with humidex 44 (and it’s supposed to get hotter tomorrow!). That added to the exhaustion. Plus the hunger. I don’t know what to eat with this sick body of mine. So yeah, pretty much collapsed when I got home. After some sleep, tried to do something useful, but didn’t, of course. And suddenly I just felt extremely sad. I really don’t know what got to me. It’s just very weird. I get this sense of lost, like nothing is making sense. I think that’s another call to return to God, isn’t it?

Random notes: I’m still addicted to puzzles, even though I don’t really enjoy them that much…; family called like three or four times today, finally deciding that they would visit me late August, if there are plane tickets remaining…; hmm…Samuel with spiky hair? That’s kind of hard to imagine…; the question of returning to serving came up recently, and I’m just totally confused, also having trouble praying about it…; is the island of Newfoundland really that large? 886km from one end to the other end…yikes; I’m just tired; I hate matroids.

I’m grateful to God for…

• leading me through the completion of the project, giving me extra grace despite my constant procrastination;
• giving me physical rest after this incredibly exhausting day;
• continuing to challenge me in how to treat my relationship with Him, thinking the delicate balance that is needed in every aspect, just like how His creation is just balanced for life;
• urging me and pushing me forward on this pathway towards holiness; and
• everything.

I just can’t say enough about cfc sermons, eh? This time, it’s on temptations and lust, and I feel that this is a powerful summary and reminder of the lessons that I’ve learned throughout this year. Yes, I’ve been failing again recently on this front, but that doesn’t have to continue forever. I need more faith and strength from the Lord, who is good.

The second service was kind of bizarre… Later went out for “light” but expensive lunch…couldn’t each much of the oily and cheap stuff when the body is still feeling queasy. Sleep in the afternoon… And hence, delaying the project until the very last minute…again. Here I am in the office trying desperately to find shortcuts to writing up the project, so late at night. But at least I know this is better than working at home, where there are so many distractions around. I’ll be going home after one more block of work, though…it’s too late and I’m already sleepy… Sigh…why do I keep on doing this?

I’m grateful to God for…

• preparing me all year long for the cfc sermon today, and reminding me that He is still with me, and wants me to be holy;
• reducing my physical pain again;
• keeping me going in working for the project;
• relieving sexual tensions in sleep this morning, and giving me more resistance to temptations today;
• shifting my focus towards the good things whenever bad, hateful, and guilty thoughts come into my mind.

Yesterday: Morning struggle to wake up. Afternoon struggle to understand the project paper, which was greatly helped by Irene. The pita lunch really screwed up my stomach, and the later Vietnamese dinner didn’t help, either. I was in deep pain at the end of the day, and eventually had to throw up (hence the dinner was wasted). Boy, I haven’t vomited in a long time now…at least I don’t remember ever going through that since I came to Waterloo… The pain was excruciating, even though I knew that was just small compared to other kinds of physical pain. Sigh…looks like my tolerance for pain is so little…

Today: The deep sleep really helped relieve a bit of pain, but still I had some pain on the lower right side of the body when I move. Sent a couple of emails at 3am, which seems like a good time to send emails, apparently. I’m supposed to do project during the day, but the pain kept me away from it…although I have to wonder why it didn’t keep me away from sleep and puzzles… Afternoon myf talked about temptations, and there’s the sense that people keep talking about their own temptations without really saying what they’re about…I really wanted to just come out and say, hey, mine’s a sexual temptation, how about you? But yeah, didn’t do that. Came home, just finished dinner (a day of malnutrition really isn’t that good).

I’m grateful to God for…

• helping me understand the project paper better;
• making me realize my weakness in how little tolerance I have for pain, and perhaps finally understand a little what some other people are going through;
• greatly reduced the pain that I was experiencing overnight;
• giving me courage to share my doubts on serving with Laura, my observations on mccf with Jeff, and my experience with temptations with myf; and
• being so faithful, lifting me up when I fell down over and over again.

I’m very disappointed and very confused about myself and what I’m doing. Wasted most of the day to sleeping, puzzling, interneting, televisioning, and very little reading. I hate the paper that I’m reading for my project, so I keep delaying it further and further. I have a lot of trouble understanding the scripture I’m reading, so I keep delaying it further and further. I have great difficulty in cutting myself off from my obsessions and truly follow Jesus, so I keep delaying it further and further. I just don’t know what’s going on.

I’m re-reading the book Your God is Too Safe by Mark Buchanan these days. The last time I read it was more than two years ago, and boy I really don’t remember much from back then. This time, it hits very hard, and it’s going to take some time to adjust my life to this God who is not safe, but boy is He good.

I’m grateful to God for…

• revealing to me that I should be in fear of Him, but not afraid of Him;
• some progress towards a possible new resolve to follow Him;
• astounding me in seeing what my body is able to do in the long run this morning;
• once again pulling me back as I rebelliously attempt to create temptations for myself; and
• stopping me from spending a ton of money on things that I will definitely regret buying.

Woke up at 3 this morning, dragged myself to go out for a run, and this time, I went for a longer run. The route: up Westmount, turn right at Columbia, turn at railroad, turn at University, and finally turn back to Westmount for the uphill finish. It took around 35.5 minutes, and boy, I never knew that I could run (slowly) for that long… That was hard.

Forgot to mention one thing from yesterday…I have to say that I was genuinely surprised with Francis’ positive response to my devotional partnership proposal. I just thank God that there seems to be this gradual change in him. Also, I’m beating myself for not being patient enough…each time I gave up on Francis, he responds right after…so I should have kept my hopes up for a bit longer…

Just talked to Tony briefly on msn…and turns out that he’s in Vancouver…and turns out that he’s at the airport ready to head to Taiwan! So interesting to talk to someone at the airport…this is not the first time, though…kcs did it first in Singapore.

I’m supposed to be focused on my project, and yet I couldn’t stop searching for information on the internet which I’m not supposed to have searched for. I just can’t stop the obsession. It’s very frustrating.

Yup, I keep wasting time…

I’m grateful to God for….

• the slow but noticeable transformations in Francis;
• carrying me through office hour today;
• keeping me very much desired to know Him more and more, and be closer to Him;
• keeping me calm throughout the day; and
• the lesson on patience that I’m learning.

I fell asleep during my morning prayer, only to wake up 15 minutes before class time. Last matroid class, finished one hour early, meaning one more hour of research time for me, during which I had no progress whatsoever. I just had to wing it for the supervisor meeting, and that was ok, but still embarrassing, I think. Interesting how Carlos saw me right before and right after the meeting, and he saw a big change in my face, from a worrying one to a happy one…I never knew that I express my emotions so clearly… After meeting, talked with Carlos, then Graeme and Mike, then a dinner with Tony and Carlos (it’s a day of Carlos, apparently). Went home and wasted time. I still can’t believe I waste so much time…

What is the lesson that God is asking me to learn here? I believe that I have obeyed the Holy Spirit in asking Francis for a devotional partnership via an email Sunday evening, yet I have not received any response so far… There’s this sense that I followed God’s command yet it doesn’t seem to yield anything, which is kind of confusing for me. Also there’s this sense that I really want to care for Francis, yet he seems to be refusing any such care… I don’t know, I think too much, as always.

I’m grateful to God for…

• waking me up just in time to rush to class;
• leading me through another supervisor meeting, despite a lack of preparation;
• continuing to teach me the lesson on patience and judging;
• the merciful end to the matroid classes; and
• letting me connect with Aaron.

Morning run, eat, and sleep. Afternoon went to the office to do research, but couldn’t do it. I had no idea how to continue on with this, losing interest in it already. The Bible study was kind of ok, I guess…it started late, so for no good reason, I drew a 9 by 28 grid on the board and started filling in numbers randomly… Lots of sharing in the study. The dinner afterwards I couldn’t handle…the girls kept on talking about problems in the fellowship, but they just go at lightning speed, and I’m thinking, slow down!!! I wanted to say something, but decided against it, and came home to watch Treasure Hunters. Meanwhile, I sent Francis an email yesterday which only requires a quick yes/no/don’t care answer…and yet he seems to act like if he never received it. Sigh…Lord, can I really give up on Francis now?

Right now I’m just having a breakdown. I keep thinking about all the things I missed in life, things that I really wanted to accomplish, yet couldn’t because of bizarre circumstances. I keep regretting how I’ve lived, and what I’ve done or not done. And now I’m stuck at studying for this PhD thing which I don’t care for anymore. I don’t know how to move on from the past, even though this is precisely the lesson I learned in studying the Bible this morning. It’s just…I don’t know how to handle it. I just don’t.

I’m grateful to God for…

• the sense of relief after the devotion today, reminding me once again the joy that comes from connecting with Him;
• giving me enough mental strength to decide for a run in the morning as a way out of temptations;
• providing me with enough courage to share my thoughts and experiences in the Bible study;
• rebuking me when I start judging inappropriately; and
• keep pulling me back to Him during these life storms.

Another whirlwind Sunday… For the two services, I cried during the music worship in both. Both sang “Faithful One,” and I got all choked up over the words “You are my rock in times of trouble; You lift me up when I fall down.” The cfc sermon on doubts is one that hit me hard once again, but God had prepared me for this all through this year, not only in the scriptures mentioned (one of which I coincidentally flipped through earlier in the morning when I couldn’t sleep), but also through all the experiences that I’ve been through so far this year. It confirms some of what I learned, and I’m very grateful for it, and hope to continue to learn from these things. “Honest doubts are much better than dishonest faith.” That is so true. Then the kwcac service, it was ok, but by the end of it, I was emotionally drained, but grew spiritually, I think (even if it’s just a little bit). Afternoon spent wasting time, as always, and the evening prayer meeting was just great, with 5 guys here.

Alright, I’ve been slacking off on academics for a long time now. Need to pick it up soon…prepare for the sprint to the finish…for this term, at least.

I’m grateful to God for…

• preparing me for a long time to fully appreciate the sermon at cfc today;
• the wonderful prayer meeting;
• pulling me back to Him really hard;
• bringing me to the kwcac service despite my physical tiredness, and this led me to serve Him by providing the necessary rides home to several people; and
• being a God of mercy, a God of love, a God of righteousness, a God who wants my heart.

It’s a depressing day of sin and a little bit of recovery. Unfortunately, I have fed my mind with even more images of violence, and that’s also feeding my imagination quite a bit. That’s why it’s going to be harder and harder to fully recover and truly leave this sinful past behind. No, I can’t do it on my own. I need You, Lord Jesus.

Afternoon pre-fellowship with the sound room tutorial thingie, which only Ed and I showed up, even though this was scheduled long ago with lots of enthusiastic response from myf coworkers. That’s kind of depressing. The fellowship was ok, the Bible study was a bit long, and Francis sort of ruined it with his usual egomaniac remarks and boasting of his strange happy-all-around secure life, which, you know, is kind of hard to take for someone who’s currently depressed like me. I got even more depressed afterwards for no good reason, and decided to pass on the Korean dinner. Instead, I went home, find that David Lee hasn’t had dinner yet, so we went to the “green place” for a meal, during which I dropped hints to hopefully inspire him to read the Bible…heh. I guess I’m a hypocrite there, because I have trouble reading the Bible recently…

I’m grateful to God for…

• showing me that He is not a soft God, but a firm God of justice who does not look at sin lightly;
• letting me live alone so as to be able to sing aloud worship songs, and also have time alone when needed;
• once again, reminding me that this struggle with sexual sin is far from over, and I really need Him;
• giving me the opportunity to share my problems with Ed in the prayer meeting today; and
• sharing a dinner with David Lee.

Whenever there are two options available as to what I can do, I seem to always pick the wrong one. Hence, I failed again this morning. Sigh…I’m digging further and further down in my hole… O Lord, shine into the darkness of my heart.

My car insurance premium went up…

Apparently they will change my phone number in the middle of August. That’s going to be a hassle…

Nope, I totally don’t understand myself, why I’m continuing to run toward temptations and run away from God. It’s very frustrating. My head keeps running the song with the lyric, “Today I choose to follow You…” And I’m like…nope, I didn’t choose that today. Sigh… In related news, I find youtube.com as a hot bed for the source of most of these temptations, and coincidentally, 3 people mentioned this site to me today, all using it for perfectly good entertainment. What is going on?

I sort of wanted some kind of release for my internal aggression, but didn’t find anything. By evening, I was just too desperate to get out, so I called Chen Jie and Ed, and we played foosball and table tennis at my place. It was good relief. Two rounds of three games of foosball where Chen Jie and I teamed up…we lost both times…heh. But it was close.

I’m grateful to God for…

• this evening of relief from loneliness, and a chance to connect with Chen Jie and Ed;
• giving me enough courage to ask people out instead of being frustrated at home;
• once again, releasing sexual tension at sleep;
• not letting temptations go way out of control;
• helping me in knowing how to respond to the group that asked for feedback today.

All these troubles I’m facing and struggling with could have been solved if I simply follow Jesus’ command to deny myself, take up my cross daily, and follow Him. In other words, let myself die, so I can live in Jesus. So now the question becomes, how much of an impact does Jesus have in me that I would be willing to give up myself for Him? That’s a hard question to answer honestly…

For the matroid class today, I am supposed to do the exercises. I only did one, the one that is similar to something from the digraphs course last year, and I didn’t even do the question completely… I was still thinking while in class how to solve the last part…eventually came up with something reasonable, and went for it. I was shaky, as always, but it was ok, after Jim resolved a few things. So I was kind of relieved. And then he announced that we can get 4 more days for the project, which, well, sort of sent me on this further procrastination mode again…sigh… Afternoon spent wasting time. Evening spent with mccf, where we had a potluck, played warfish and the apples game. I won once, finally. But yeah, not sure what to make of this evening…kind of…wasted?

I’m grateful to God for…

• saving me once again from disaster in matroid class, even though I tried to get away with as little as possible;
• calling me to come back to Him;
• the chat with Wayne last night, which reminded me to have courage to stand up for the gospel of Christ;
• being able to connect with David Lee, even if it’s over warfish; and
• reducing the level of temptations that I faced today.

Why? Why couldn’t I stay away from temptations? Why couldn’t I stop thinking violent thoughts? Why do I still hate my family? Why don’t I care about school? Why is it so hard to pray and read the Bible?

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quence the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies. Test all things, hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil.” — 1 Thessalonians 5:16-22.

I’m grateful to God for…

• the chance to reconnect with Tony on msn today;
• reminding me how far away I am from His will for me;
• the brief moment of peace and joy after praying this morning;
• the abundance of food that He has provided for me; and
• giving me enough energy to live this day.

This is a day of shame for me. I’m ashamed that I didn’t complete the assignment to the best of my ability, leaving it to the last minute only to realize I really didn’t know how to do some parts of it. I’m ashamed that I didn’t spend enough time on project evaluation, and gave really crude comments and marks. I’m ashamed that I keep creating these temptations for myself, unable to leave my sinful past. I’m ashamed that I keep avoiding God by keeping myself distracted with puzzles.

Notes for the day: On a day where I desperately wanted to talk to somebody, I couldn’t find any suitable person to talk to, and that’s just sad; there’s the Contender premiere happening tonight…I know I really shouldn’t watch it, but I so want to watch it…I know that if I don’t watch the first episode, the chances of me watching it in the future will drop significantly…but I so want to watch it! What is wrong with me?; a few of us went to lunch today, and I’m just glad that I was able to voice my opinion on some of the restaurants that they were considering, e.g. the Mr. Panino place and the Bangladeshi place…we ended up at China Legends, and I had a nice (and unhealthy) meal; I don’t know, I kind of lost hope for everything, thus forgetting everything God has taught me…

I’m grateful to God for…

• giving me just enough energy to complete the required work;
• the struggle that I’m dealing with, and the grief I’m experiencing for my sins;
• giving me an opportunity to help David Sun when he needed;
• accepting this hypocrite as Your child; and
• the cooler weather today.