I find that most of what I do are solitary activities, not competitive ones. That’s why it was sort of a culture shock when being thrown into warfish and stuff, where I’m not really familiar with the competitive nature of most men. It has something attractive to it…like there’s the element of thinking what others might do or think in order to make my own move…this is something that’s lacking in pretty much all my activities, like puzzles and research… Interesting stuff. Wonder when I’ll actually enjoy this kind of things…maybe I already do, except I just don’t put myself into such situations…

Interesting mccf where we played Apples by Apples and Trivial Pursuit (yay!). The apples game was kind of fun, but it’s quite subjective… I’m just happy that I get them to play the Trivial Pursuit game, where Feng was one team, I was one team, and the rest are one team…it’s called Feng and Martin against the rest of the world. Feng won with 4 wedges, I was second with 3 wedges, and the world sort of cheated and got 1 wedge… Dinner at Taiwan place where I got Wilfred and David to play my Biblical games on computer…Wilfred seems quite interested and was very reluctant to quit even when everyone else left! Heh…anyway, interesting evening. Now, two hours of sleep, then it’s off to Montreal…

I’m grateful to God for…

• being the comfort amidst all my fears, letting me cry in front of Him;
• continuing the process of “thwarting my false self,” which started earlier this year, and is still going on;
• this wonderful evening of games and fellowship;
• rescueing me from strong temptations today; and
• the music ministry at Willingdon in providing the worship songs that I have immersed myself in.

So what can I say about the RRRR this morning? Well, I woke up at around 2am in the morning, after having just 2 hours of sleep. There was this strange urge to do something to release the energy that has mysteriously built up in my body. Also, my violent impulses were back, and I just felt like releasing them through sin, but thankfully that didn’t go through. Eventually decided to do some very quick warm up and went out to run like crazy. Granted, when I run like crazy, it’s still pretty slow, but I was running at a pace that was faster than before. Obviously I wasn’t able to keep up the pace all the way, but I still scored the fastest lap time ever for me… And I felt better afterwards. Sure, I still hate running, but at least it was some kind of a release…

With the Montreal trip just hours away, I’m suddenly having a lot of fears about it. Maybe it’s because this didn’t turn out to be the little private trip that I was hoping for. Maybe it’s because of the intimidation of driving in Montreal. Maybe it’s because the car feels quite strange lately despite having done the maintenance a couple of weeks ago. Maybe it’s because I’ve been procrastinating on school work and this is not going to help. Or maybe it’s because I went ahead with the planning of this trip without praying much about it…

I did some minor cooking last night and the house is a mess right now. Need to clean up…but I want to sleep…O the dilemma…

Today is one of those days where I went crazy and bought 103 pounds of stuff for 120 bucks. I still don’t know what got to me…

There’s a spectacular thunderstorm going on right now. Earlier, there was a spectacular rainbow. It’s all spectacularly spectacular.

I’m grateful to God for…

• giving me such a nice roommate for the past two years;
• keeping me sane amidst all the mental and spiritual turmoils and struggles that’s been going on;
• an afternoon of reading on the internet that both enlightens and boggles my mind, while keeping me from falling into sin;
• slowly shaping my thinking so that I start to know that being masculine (whatever that means) is nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of; and
• reducing the level of anger that I had toward Francis.

With all that talk about physical contact, maybe all I want is to be touched by God…

I was flipping through Traveling Light by Eugene Peterson this morning, and this quote caught my eyes: “No life of faith can be lived privately.”

Went to the office at around 12:30, hoping to get some research work done through the office hour. And as expected, that didn’t happen. I ended up searching the internet for stuffs that, well, I guess I’m not supposed to search for. But it ended up being quite enlightening, but also mind boggling, and I had a giant headache after all that. So yeah, I came home and here I am wasting away more time…

Boy, how in the world did I spend the time today? Lots of sleep, eat, walk around in random places, read, pray, and tv…missing in the list: research. I just don’t want to do research. Oh yeah, and there was an attempt made to find someone to go out for dinner, but that failed…

In playing and discussing warfish with David Lee, the term “finish (someone) off” often came up. And I feel kind of queasy whenever he mentions that, because that phrase has a meaning that is perhaps a lot more brutal and personal to me than him…

I’m grateful to God for…

• once again reminding me that this journey of faith and intimacy with Him is going to take some time to grow, and I should stop panicking;
• the comfortable weather and temperature which allow me to do random walking and soul searching (and God searching);
• the opportunity for the long-distance adventure this coming weekend;
• keeping me in a generally non-depressing mood today; and
• giving me this difficult exercise through Samuel, which revealed to me a lot of my deficiencies.

In matroid class today, I’ve only done one exercise. So when Jim asked who would like to volunteer to do a question, lots of hands were raised, he picked someone else, who then proceeded to pick the question that I can do. A perhaps not-so-subtle silent “doh” caught the attention of some people and generated some laughs. The guy did it in a very rigorous but complicated way. Jim asked if someone else has a simpler solution, and he picked someone else to do it. Well, this other guy did it in a strange way. After it ends, Jim asked again if someone has a simpler solution, this time with a laugh. I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not, so I didn’t go for it. I had a proof by picture (heh), and it’s supposed to be a lot easier to understand than the other two proofs…but anyway, it’s all in the past. Now I’m supposed to do some research work today, but didn’t…

There is something mysterious about physical contact, the human touch…I don’t know why, but somehow I kind of want to have more of it…whether it be handshakes, pats on the back (or other nonsensitive body parts), hugs, punches, or even wrestling…I guess something about the Chinese culture limits this kind of thing, especially within my family. Maybe it’s because of this lack of physical contact that makes me desire more of it…

I find that I have been sort of retreating back to my little cocoon, so-to-speak, becoming ever so solitary. I don’t know why I just didn’t want to go to the office, I didn’t want to contact anyone to go out for a meal or other activities. I just stayed home most of the time now. What’s going on here is kind of bothering me, because I’m afraid that I would lose the close connection that I had with my friends. I’m also afraid that this is dragging me back to the dark old days…on the other hand, perhaps this is a sign that I’m not so dependent on the validation of friends…but maybe I’m just deceiving myself.

It was a tough run this morning. Started with a bit of rain, which made me hesitate about running to begin with. My legs felt really tight all throughout the very slow run, so that was kind of painful to push through to complete the lap. I have this theory that the warmer the temperature, the harder it is to run…ideally, I find that 15 degrees is probably the best temperature. It was 19 today.

I keep thinking about this lyric, which I so wish I could sing with all sincerity…

When we see You, we find strength to face the day;
In Your presence, all our fears are washed away…washed away.

I don’t know…perhaps it’s really not such a good idea to try to please everyone…after all, that’s usually not possible anyway.

One day, I’ve given up on Francis…and the next day, Francis offered to give a response…later. O Lord, You are a joker, aren’t You? I don’t know, I was just being very cold to him, and my heart pains even more about how I’ve treated him. And I hate his excuse of being so busy…it would have been better if he simply said that he just didn’t care…at least this sounds closer to the truth.

Sigh…what is it with this rollercoaster of emotions just in one day? How can I be so joyful in the morning and so depressed in the evening? I’m feeling so bad right now that I even started to think about cancelling the Montreal trip…what exactly am I doing here?

I’m grateful to God for…

• continuing to teach me and pull me back despite me being such a hypocrite;
• helping me solve an exercise for the matroid class;
• protecting me from falling into sexual temptations today;
• providing enough financially so that I don’t have to worry about it; and
• giving me the ability to have enough sleep each day.

I do realize that I desperately need to get back to the Word of God. But now I’m stuck at another psalm…this time, Psalm 20. It’s like there’s some kind of resistance to something that is refusing to be understood…it looks simple, but there must be a lot behind it… I’ve memorized the first three verses…

May the Lord answer you in the day of trouble;
May the name of the God of Jacob defend you;
May He send you help from the sanctuary,
And strengthen you out of Zion;
May He remember all your offerings,
And accept your burnt sacrifice.

I guess I was kind of saddened by what I heard about what went on in yesterday’s myf coworkers meeting. This is only from what I heard, of course, but it seems that they continued to discuss very trivial details at great length, and some disrespectful comments were made at each other. I don’t know…I guess on one hand, I’m glad I wasn’t part of it…but on the other hand, the lack of love and unity is a bit disheartening. I can only pray that the Lord will hold them together…

I’m supposed to do a lot of work today, especially considering that I will be away from a while starting Thursday. But…you know…things never work out the way they’re supposed to… What is wrong with me? Why am I so lazy?

What I wrote during kwcac service today: “Lord, why do I have so many hateful thoughts toward Francis? Why couldn’t I truly forgive him just like You have always forgiven me? These harmful thoughts could not have come from You, for You are Love. Lord, teach me to forgive and love.” I guess I should add that the “hateful” thoughts are more along the lines of anguish, desperation, and injustice. Sigh…not sure what to do there. It’s been going on for too long now, and it’s probably too late to talk about it, hence too late for healing of the wounds. It’s quite disappointing.

The long weekend trip to Montreal is suddenly taking shape quite rapidly… I’m both excited and fearful about the trip, actually. Also, I’m slightly reluctant about taking Cindy and Sarah on the trip, but I guess if they really want to tag along, I really have no good reason to refuse. Does that mean that I’m too soft?

I’m grateful to God for…

• adjusting the service time at kwcac and bringing me to cfc this term, so that providing the service of taking David Lee to church is just the natural thing to do;
• making my body do things that I’ve never imagined that it could do, like running around Ring Road;
• reminding me to shift my focus to Him;
• healing my sickness of three weeks; and
• continuing to pursue me even though I have been so unfaithful.

Ran ’round Ring Road (RRRR) this morning. Man, I still hate running, but for my body’s sake, what else can I do?

Once again, I’m being reminded that I have a focus problem. “Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth.” — Colossians 3:2

Witnessed baptisms at cfc today. It’s always very touching to see someone who loves God so much…at the same time, it brings shame to me for being so far from God…

Pretty much wasted the day to sleeping and puzzling and waiting. I did manage to watch The First Action Heroes musical from Willingdon kids on the web. Slightly funny, and learned lessons about trust, courage, forgiveness, obedience, and love. Needed the kids to remind me of Colossians 3…boy, that chapter looks so different now than before… Also the talk about fathers made me sad, because this feeling that I don’t think I’ve ever had a loving father re-surfaced to my mind…if I ever become a father (and that is a big if), I need to do a lot better.

I am having some frightening thoughts…I’m slightly enjoying this sabbatical from serving a bit too much, so much so that I’m a bit reluctant in coming back to serve God. Then again, when I see myf having 5-hour coworker meeting and discussing trivial stuffs to no end, I’m not sure I want to go back there anyway. Perhaps I should serve in a different place? mccf, for example? Or perhaps, as a really scary thought, go back to chair myf and fix some things…but man, this is something I’ve always been avoiding, for its responsibility is far more than I could handle… Anyway, I guess I’ll need to pray a lot more about this.

I am grateful to God for…

• pulling me away while I rebelliously create temptatious situations today;
• the beautiful sunsets these days;
• relieving my sexual pressures at sleep;
• David Lee, through whom I was taught a lesson about competitiveness;
• constantly testing the limits of my patience.

Back to doing puzzles again…and I do see puzzles as some sort of an escape from life’s problems…it’s kind of like a drug, except it’s not harmful, just wasteful. So maybe I should cut that down…

“Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?” rebukes Jesus, to me.

Wow…I underestimated the ability for myf to screw things up… Waited about half an hour outside the church for nothing. Of course it’s all my fault…everything’s my fault.

I’ve been crying almost everyday for quite a while now. Pains past and present repeatedly float into my mind. I have trouble letting go of the past and move on forward. I couldn’t even remember the good times, only the bad. I feel like a mess right now, with a vague sense of hopelessness. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so bitter, so thankless, so unappreciative of everything around me, complaining to God day in and day out. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t have this intimate personal relationship with Him.

My mom now calls me at a frequency that’s unheard of before…and I get very annoyed each time I receive her call. I wonder…why do I hate my family so much?

I’ve been repeatedly playing this CD of worship music from Willingdon. The more I listen, though, the more I couldn’t connect with the lyrics. And the more I grow tired of it.

19 hours, 3 cities, 269.1 kilometres. Funny how the distance from my place to Wayne’s place in Mississauga is about 85 kilometres, but the round trip from Wayne’s place to T&T Warden is about 100 kilometres! Wow…Toronto, is, huge. So anyway, we couldn’t find Samuel, so we went to Metro to have a nice lunch, then T&T to buy a ton of junk food, back to Wayne’s place for a brief rest before I come home to arrive at around 4:30pm. During lunch, I was talking to Wayne about the thing with Francis, and it was interesting how he had similar experiences recently, except his thing is with a girl, and he seems to enjoy pointing out this gender difference between our experiences…heh. Anyway, I enjoyed this trip greatly. Perhaps I just needed a break, and some meaningful human contact…

An evening of warfish made me wonder, have I gone crazy? Playing games for an entire evening?

I am grateful to God for…

• keeping me safe through all these years of driving;
• not letting me continue to go astray from Him;
• the generosity of Wayne’s family for letting me stay overnight in such short notice;
• temporarily lifting me out of this depressing state; and
• placing Samuel in my life at just the right time this year, and, through him, turned my life around.