Boy, what a strange day it was yesterday. Started at 5am, which was when I woke up. Received an unexpected email from Samuel, which partially caused me to struggle in my thinking more and more. Eventually, a minor breakthrough in a reply. After that, went to school, sent off the assignments, and couldn’t do any work (of course). Went to lunch with David and Francis, and I got my 3rd visit to East Side Mario’s in 8 days…well, the other places were packed, so we didn’t have many options. Came home with Francis. On the way, however, I started agonizing, thinking, “my God, what have I done when writing that email?” But Samuel’s quick reply quashed that thought, and was encouraging. After Francis was gone, Li Zhen came here to play pool, and eventually foosball and table tennis. Went out to lunch, visited his place, and then off to mccf praise and worship night…

Ah…the mccf praise and worship night… It was a wonderful night, first of all, and I’m very grately that David invited me there. We sang a lot of English worship songs, which is something I haven’t done in a long long time. I’m reminded that I do find it a lot easier to connect with the English songs, actually, and it was just great (which is quite an understatement). I still have some focus problems, but it’s been better this time. The testimonies were wonderful, as well, and it was quite interesting to hear about the experiences of Tony and Samuel. After it’s over, I hang around to talk and listen to people around me, even though most are strangers. It was nice to reconnect with Tony and Victor again. Also great to talk to David and James, two CS guys. And of course, Kai and Sophie, and they had a lot of trouble trying to figure out what exactly is 31415926… Somewhere in there somebody named Cindy came in, I don’t know. I stayed until close to 1am, actually, and that ended the night for me. It was indeed a memorable night for me.

Yes, I found a lot of grey hair on top of my head. Yes, I’m getting old.

Spent the morning and afternoon preparing notes for second stage comps, also a preparation for today’s supervisor meeting. I was without food, and was really tired, so obviously I was in a kind of sedated mode during the meeting. I just felt very deflated afterwards, because apparently I’ll need to do a dry run next week already, and there’s so much to do on it. Yet I just don’t have the interest or will to do it all… Sigh…all those days of slacking off are really catching up to me…but I really didn’t slack off this past week, more like spending a lot more time on God…so I don’t know, things are pulling me apart.

Why am I so selfish? I used to love, care and pray about other people, and now I…don’t. Why? Frustration, maybe? Or was it something else?

In a world that demands instant answers, God appears to work the opposite way, most of the time…

I keep imagining Jesus calling me “O man of little faith…” Because indeed, I’m questioning where my faith is? What is faith anyway? It’s certainly not something you imagine…it’s something concrete that you hold on to, something that you are absolutely sure of…and it comes from God only. It’s really mind-boggling…

Yes, I do think I’m starting this journey of faith from the beginning again, taking baby steps one step at a time. It is frustrating that I’m not growing as fast as I wanted to…and I truly hope that I don’t lose this urge to seek God and drop back down to the beginning again…

Meanwhile, the second stage comprehensive is fast approaching, and I’m still far from being done with the preparation. I could delay this, but I don’t want to prolong this burden. Right now, all I can see is the sense of release that I’ll get after the exam’s over. I’m so looking forward to extensive traveling and meeting with friends. But, I need to get over this hurdle first…

For reasons totally unbeknownst to me, I started thinking about the song “I will give You all my worship” that I used to love so much back in the days. Thinking through the song today, however, I find it very disheartening. It feels a lot like the Israelites after receiving the law saying that they will do whatever the law says, and then break it immediately. I, for one, cannot sing this song honestly, and that’s just too bad…

Temporarily abandoning the Bible reading plan, I read Psalm 51 this morning. So of course the song “Create in my a clean heart” came to mind throughout the day. Two verses that stand out to me: “Restore to me the joy of Your salvation” and “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and a contrite heart–these, O God, You will not despise.” Regarding sin, I realize that I can do all I can to remove all elements leading to sin and possibly avoid falling into temptation again; however, if my heart doesn’t change, I would still desire these sinful things, and it’s still bad. I can only pray that the Lord can change my heart, and also pray that I would be willing to be changed.

For the record, I treat this weblog as a personal journal for my own record keeping, since writing a journal by hand is simply too hard. My assumption when writing (except for this paragraph) is that nobody else is reading it. I write for myself only, and I’m not trying to send out any messages to anyone. What I write may be brutally honest, but you have the freedom to choose not to read it. My belief is that only the people who are really bored would read this, and I don’t mind providing this material for the bored to read. When I see or talk to you in person, my assumption is that you did not read this, unless you have told me otherwise, which is fine. I guess that’s why sometimes you would hear me tell you the same stories that you’ve read already. Anyway, my point is, read if you wish, but whether you read it or not, that does not matter to me. Just don’t be disturbed by what I write…

Yikes…better start writing really really REALLY boring stuffs to maybe discourage people from reading this… heh.

So I had the “priviledge” to be invited to a dinner at East Side Marios this evening. I think I had a good time (for most of the evening anyway), but really, I need to think twice (or more) when going to a meal that includes Laura…

Ah…supervisor meeting tomorrow…still did very little so far.

Facing my sin. That’s what I’ve been grappling with. On one hand, I want to say, “Here I am, Lord, change my heart.” On the other hand, however, I also want to say, “Do I really have to give up what I’ve loved my entire life?” Sigh…the battle between the Spirit and the flesh…

Somehow, I find the phrase “happy birthday” to be pretty meaningless. Vanity of vanities… At least some people did it right…like my parents, Peter, and Aaron (albeit a day late).

I asked and was granted a delay in the supervisor meeting. I simply couldn’t do anything.

Ah…it’s that day of the year again…the day where many people suddenly cared about you for about 10 seconds and then disappeared for the rest of the year. Yes, indeed, it’s my birthday today, and as I’ve said before, I really hate the attention on this day. Good thing nothing interesting happened, so apparently everyone learned about my birthday philosophy quite well. A couple of emails here, a few instant messages there, a few e-cards here, and a phone call from home, that’s all. So what exactly do I want for my birthday? Spiritual growth. It’s also something I want for the rest of my 26th year on earth.

So what exactly happened today? Woke up, had bread for breakfast, shower, read the scriptures, phone call from home, went to school, visited Marg, spent considerable amount of time composing an email, supposed to prepare for supervisor meeting tomorrow but didn’t, got tired, went home, ate dumplings for lunch, sleep, wake up, exercise, more thinking, watched J!, enjoyed a 4-course dinner, and here I am now. Waiting for The Amazing Race coming soon… Yes, I spent most of the time alone. Pity.

Weatherwise, we had snowsquall warning the entire day, with strong winds and snow and around -2 degrees. Considering that it was 15 degrees yesterday, does that mean that it’s going to be a cold year for me?

My God, wow! That was just such a big big surprise for me, and gave me the shock of my life. Just as I was ready to leave my office, Kevin Yoon appeared just outside the door. I can hardly describe my reaction…just pure joy and shock at seeing this guy for the first time in (apparently) 7 years. We spent a couple of hours walking around campus and at my place, reminiscing about the past and catching up with each other’s lives. It was just the most wonderful time I’ve spent in a long long while, and I thank God for this.

Kevin had been in touch with many people from high school, while I kept in touch with nobody…that’s kind of sad, in a way. I really do forget about people as soon as I don’t see them. It’s not too late to change this attitude, though…

And I start to imagine, I was just about to go out for lunch about 15 minutes before Kevin arrived at my office. If I had gone for lunch, then this encounter would probably never happen… We call it fate, but it was indeed arranged by the Lord. Amazing.

I’m now very much consumed in spiritual thoughts, so much so that I had no will to do my research work. I really just want to get it right with God, and sometimes I panic again because I want it so badly. But I just have to calm myself down through prayer when that happens, and wait patiently for God.

Samuel replied to my email early this morning, and I just happen to catch it about 10 minutes after he sent it…it was around 2:30am, a rare time for me to be awake. I very much appreciate what he’s done for me, and I am very thankful that the Lord sent him into my life through these critical times.

Going back to the basics, that’s what I’m doing.

James 1:2-4 “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” This is yet another verse that I’m now holding on to. My thinking: surely I must be a Christian in order to be tested, so being tested, for me, is a sure sign that I am indeed a child of the Father through Jesus Christ. As I’ve learned many times before, periods of testing are necessary in order to refine my faith in the Lord, and patience is indeed one thing that is being severely tested right now. I pray (and for sure know) that the Lord will lead me through all of this and I will become more mature spiritually.

It’s a shame that I’ve read so many books in the past, yet almost always I forget what I read immediately after I have read it. Even less so is seriously applying what I’ve learned to my life. But perhaps there are small things that remain in me that have subtlely shaped my thoughts, and are being used by the Holy Spirit in His prompting. So all is not lost, as I’ve previously thought…but maybe it would have been better if I had taken this more seriously in the past…ah, it’s all in the past. Just concentrate on what is going on NOW.

Random musings for the day… Ah…such a warm day today…hitting 13 degrees. We had lunch, 5 of us, but remind me to never go to Crystal Palace for a meal in the near future, thanks! I also managed to get my vehicle license thingie renewed, which is something I forgot to do last year until it was quite late. My mom is particularly excited that she got to watch two (yes, that’s TWO) Oscar-winning films while she was here: Wallace & Gromit and March of the Penguins. I (embarrassingly) watched the first half-hour of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition tonight…they made me cry. There was a strange incident involving somebody buzzing the suite, I heard through speaker phone someone mentioning my name, I pressed the door button, and nobody came up here. Borrowed some wrenches from Francis again, and that reduced greatly the creaking noise coming from the heavybag stand.

Right now I think my model prayer is like the one in Mark 9:24…”Lord, I believe! Help my unbelief!” I’m now starting to realize a big difference between “knowing” and “believing.”

Boy, it’s certainly very strange to not see Samuel at all on a Sunday…the car ride there was awfully quiet…the refreshment seemed off… Pastor Tim talked about being an “impact player” thingie, and the first thing he talked about was having a spiritual mentor. Well, recently, I think I may have subconsciously pushed this role of spiritual mentor or role model onto Samuel, and tried (perhaps unsuccessfully) to “suck the marrow out of his bones” (as Pastor Tim said). And maybe that annoyed him to no end, I have no idea…

After some contemplation, I’m now leaning towards keeping the Bible games alive, but taking a “sabbatical” of sorts from the fellowship ministry next term. This would give me opportunities to re-discover Jesus Christ, and also to travel around to visit different people in various places, like Vancouver, Saskatoon, Montreal. Need to pray more about it, certainly.

Something rare happened tonight…I suddenly had an inspiration to go walk around the campus, which is something I haven’t done in a long time. The weather’s calm, not too cold at 3 degrees, so I thought it would be a good opportunity to take a walk. Throughout the walk, I was praying to God constantly, praying that I would truly experience what it means to have a “personal relationship with Jesus Christ.” And also, I’m learning the lesson of taking promises of God and believe it, as God never fails in His promises. I also pray that I don’t despair, and really remember God’s blessings all over my life. I think I never seriously learned to apply what I’ve learned to my life, but I really pray to start doing that now, with the help of the Holy Spirit.

I never thought that faking myself in front of God is ever an option…He knows everything, after all. In front of people, however, I may hide things from others, but I always go the honest route. What’s the benefit of faking things anyway? Anyway, that’s something Samuel said that bothered me somewhat…was he simply making a statement, or was he questioning my honesty? I don’t know.

David and I had quite a few things in common. Both of our parents thought we were mute until age 3 or 4. We both started a love of reading since grade 3. We both fear rejections from people. He confirmed that he was afraid to talk to me (like many others) about a year ago, but he did see that I have opened up quite a bit. He promised to remember to bring me along for special events (at least those that don’t include Laura or Christy…heh). Let’s see how far this goes…

I find myself to be just like the Israelites when they were in the desert just outside of Egypt…essentially an amnesiac. I find it so easy to forget what God has done in my life. One moment I would marvel at God’s work, and the next moment I would complain about why is God doing nothing? When I read Exodus and the rest, I would scoff at the Israelites for being so forgetful…well, looks like I’m just like one of them…sigh.

Yesterday, after the whole love feast spiritual meeting thingie was over, I headed over to Samuel (who sat alone) and had a chat with him. What started out as a nice chat disintegrated promptly when I started talking about my spiritual doubts, and Samuel came back with “you should consider dropping some of your ministry.” Hmm…we also talked about experiencing God, and by the end of the chat, I plunged back down to depression and started thinking over and over again. Sigh… By the way, I really couldn’t figure out Samuel…when he’s absolutely serious, his eyes could kill; but when he’s casually talking, he’s like the most pleasant person around. Anyway, back to topic, I had a really tough time afterwards. In the evening, I’ve finally decided to write down my thinking (or, more accurately, talking or complaining to God). That took a while, but it was worth writing it down so that I wouldn’t repeatedly think about the same things. I was still in despair, though, and that continued until this morning. And then, a breakthrough. I read the scriptures, and had an emotional cry to God, which once again lifted some burden from me. I will now hold to the promise in 1 Corinthians 10:13, and trust that the Lord will act once again to resolve my doubts and solidify my faith, in His own ways, at His own time. Please, once again, if you can, pray for me.

Yesterday, I had a surprise meal with Carlos at East Side Marios. Carlos was looking for a lunch partner, and apparently I was the only one available, so I went along. It was a nice meal, and we had some nice chats, and that’s good… Today, I was planning to cook some elaborate things for lunch, and David was planning to come here to do laundry. So something clicked, and I invited him to lunch as well. So we had a 4-course meal, which was quite nice. Together with the laundry, David and I chatted for close to 4 hours in total…hehehe. It was great, we had some serious and non-serious conversations along the way, and we learned more about each other as well. This kind of time spent is meaningful to me, because otherwise I would be wasting away in doing puzzles and stuff… Hope to have more of these in the future.

It’s embarrassing to be posting at church during a sermon, but that’s what I’m doing here, unfortunately. I have a lot of trouble concentrating on the message right now. I guess one reason is I really don’t like linguistic analysis of the Bible…but that’s a pretty bad reason. Another reason is I have focus problems…I keep drifting away to think about my lack of faith, or looking at what Samuel’s doing, and now typing on the computer. Sigh…

Earlier in the love feast, I was sitting around a bunch of guys and we had a good time, I think. But then there’s this episode…Samuel wasn’t here for the meal until very late. But just as he sat down and began some conversations, I was dragged away to solve the projector problem. I was quite disappointed, actually. It looks like as much I tried to avoid it, I’m really attached to Samuel, just like I was attached to MuTao or Francis back in the days…so I see this is going to be quite problematic for me.

In other news, I think my two dishes for the love feast were completely finished. That’s good. Of course I brought that second dish to cover for Francis…or David…or other people…

Painfully marking assignments. That’s pretty much the theme of the day. It was particularly tough when there is an algorithm question without unique solutions, and a theoretical question that is incredibly hard. The only ones that got close to perfect marks are the ones that are obviously copying solutions from previous terms. So there’s this sense of injustice in my mind, even though the prof asked that we ignore such injustices and the marking is actually easier that way…anyway, I’m making too much out of this, I think.

Good thing it wasn’t all marking all day…I had a nice visit to Samuel (and two surprise new friends, one’s David, the other I don’t remember the name) for lunch. The lunch itself is horrible, the pasta was incredibly tasteless. But it was nice to talk to these guys. Later, at Samuel’s request, we went downstairs to the Cove to play this shooting videogame thingie. Well, this would be the first time that I went in there, and the first time I’ve held a toy gun to play a videogame…so of course I sucked, I have no clue where I was shooting at, so that was a disaster for me. I just couldn’t make the connection between what I do with the gun and what’s happening on screen. Of course Samuel’s been playing this game for years so he already memorized what’s going to happen every step of the way. I’m just a rookie trying very unsuccessfully to play. Later I handed off to David, who played well, it appears. Even later, Samuel handed me his gun, only to reveal that this coming part was difficult, and then we all died 10 seconds later. So…conclusion? It was pretty boring, I don’t see how this could be fun…I guess I don’t like fake stuffs in general, which is why I’m not particularly interested in videogames and scripted TV shows. But maybe there will be a return trip in the future so that Samuel can get me interested in this stuff………. Anyway, I’m just trying to meet Samuel as often as possible without annoying him too much…after all, he is leaving soon…

Hi, Li Zhen! Nice to see you here!